Please Help

Hi,
I'm worried about my brother. He's been arrested many times for DUI, reckless driving, probation violations, ect. Please help me to find help for him, but let me tell you about him first.
A few months ago, I went to a psychologist to talk about him and to seek help for him. I told her about his experimentation in drugs and alcohol. We discussed his stealing from my mom, my dad, and myself. We talked about things I couldn't understand why he did. For example:
-Why he never apologizes for any of the stealing or violence to my mom and I?
-Why he continues to steal and pawn items that aren't his?
-Why when he doesn't get his way he becomes exceptionally violent toward me? He rarely threatens my mom, but I have been told a large number of gruesome ways in which I will die.
-Why he explodes into uncontrollable rage?
-Why he will act like he loves us then treat us without remorse?
-Why he can't accept responsibilty for anything?
-Why he lies about everything, even things that don't even matter?
-Why he tends to live in his "own reality"? He will say that my mom and I promised him things that we never did. He will blame everything, especially his own failures like failing out of college on anyone and everyone else, especially me.
-ect,ect, ect.
I had many sessions with her and all were about him. I think I just went to her because I wanted someone who could tell me what's wrong with him. She said that he would need a formal diagnosis, but that he is probably a sociopath.
My brother is 24 years old and is on probation. My mom and dad tried to get him help when he was 17 and went to family counseling. My brother blamed everything on my parents and came home and said that the counselor told my parents that he needed more "personal freedom."

Note: At this time, he had already stolen my grandmother's car and money from her and my parents. When confronted about it, he proceeded to use the excuse that he "needed it" because my parents didn't give him enough.

I don't think that he will get help on his own. I take that back, I KNOW he will not get help on his own because he believes nothing is wrong with him. But...I don't know what to do. When he doesn't get what he wants, which is usually money, he threatens to commit suicide, then explodes into rages threatening to kill someone...mostly me. I am afraid for my life. I am afraid for my mom's life. He will kill me one day, if he doesn't get help, and I sure he would rationalize those actions too.

Does anyone know any laws to have someone get mandatory help or to be committed? He lives in Georgia, if that helps.
Thank you for your help.

Wow, sorry that you have to go through that. Have you brought these concerns to your parents or family?

How old are you currently?

First thing that comes to mind is that he is allowed to do whatever he wants with no repercussions from anyone over the years. I don't mean telling him it was bad behavior, but having consequences for his actions.

Your parents and family (adults) sound like they might have been too permissive, and perhaps for many years, stemming from childhood. You don't mention your parents ever doing anything to protect themselves, the family, or even yourself from his threats of violence, his multiple acts of theft, and threats of suicide. Threats of suicide are SERIOUS, and MUST always be taken as serious. He's also far too unstable to trust that he simply wouldn't do it. Next time he makes a threat of violence toward others or a suicide threat toward himself, call the police immediately at 911. I mean it. Don't give him a chance to play games on everyone else's mental health and safety, and don't take a risk that you might later regret. Anyone on drugs and alcohol is unstable and for that reason alone you shouldn't assume that they won't follow through with their claims.

The police would put a mandatory mental health hold on him for 72 hours. You can also file a restraining order by calling the police department. That means that for a certain period of time specified by the order, if your brother sets foot on your property/parents/grandparents whomever files it-- he can be arrested on the spot just for violating the order.That would be another safety mechanism.

You MUST take action to protect yourself first, and while I think it is honorable and loving to want your brother to get help, I really don't think this is a reality you are facing. he is not going to seek help, especially if he is in the midst of alcohol and drug abuse. MAYBE an intervention would work, but I doubt it at this point. I think it's great you are in therapy, but you can't fix someone else who doesn't want to be "fixed." Therapy is good for help in overcoming emotionally charged situations like this one. I'd imagine suffering years of abuse at the hands of your brother has taken it's toll on the whole family. Family counseling is not the answer for this though. Maybe if he gets stopped in his tracks and evaluated, he can start personal therapy/rehab. Your parents should get their own counseling.

What does your therapist say you should do about this?

No, he does not believe that nothing is wrong with him. He believes that nothing will actually be done for him, except to punish and maybe eventually kill him. He believes that promises of help are lies. Something very careful has to be done to convince him over time that anything is different. Can you find that something?

Hi SJBENNE,

I'm so sorry you are going through this with your brother. I know how hard it is to watch someone you love self-destruct.

Does your brother have a childhood history of behaving this way? He obviously needs diagnosis, but I don't know how you get someone to do that who doesn't want help. Not wanting help or not thinking he needs it is part of his disorder. If he is, indeed, sociopathic, he probably has no remorse. And, I wouldn't necessarily blame it on lack of discipline. Consequences also have little to no impact on the behavior of these individuals.

But, it may NOT be sociopathy, or it may be a combination of conditions and there may be treatments for some that can get help get him on track.

Regardless, you MUST take care of yourself and family first. NEVER tolerate violence. Yes, call the police. If he is suicidal, get him in for a mandatory 72-hr evaluation. Heck, that may be the only way for him to seriously consider that he may need help.

Please know that you are being a very good sister to him by trying to find ways to help. Certainly, letting him hurt you and your entire family repeatedly, does not help him. I am curious about his age.

This is just MHO. I wish you well - this is a toughie.

Sorry,
I just reread your post and you already said your brother was 24. He is an adult. In mho he should not be allowed to continue to torture his family.

Keep us posted and take care.

I have brought these concerns to my family. My father died of Burkitt's Lymphoma on Jan 26, 2006 after a 7 month battle with cancer. My brother was better a while after he died, but quickly regressed again.
I am nineteen years old, almost 20. I think because of my age, he views me more as a threat to his lifestyle, an inconvenience, than a sister.
I have talked to my therapist about my family and all the stuff my mom and my dad let him get away with. The only thing she has ever said was that them not disciplining him enough could have helped nurture this behavior. I had to stop seeing her though because my insurance refused to cover it.
I think the thing that really concerns me right now is that while he was in prison (3 months) he was mandatorily clean and still blamed everything on the police, the government, my mom, and me. He still suffered from uncontrollable rage and a lack of remorse.
My mom still nurtures his behavior. She says that she can't have her son commit suicide after watching her husband die, so she still gives him money and pays his bills whenever she can. I do wonder if he would commit suicide if we put a restraining order on him, but I think he would probably kill me instead.
He threatens suicide often, but it always follows with rage typically aimed at me. He blames me for everything wrong that ever happened in his life. He says that I condemned him to his life by trying (and failing) to have him arrested after he stole a great deal of money from me out of my father's life insurance account, after he wasted all of his money in a matter of months. He says he never had a "real chance" to go to college like I did, when he is the one who has a college saving account with 2 years payed into it, something I have never had.
I wonder why he hates me so much.
Thank you for responding. It means a lot to me.

I don't know if I'll ever be able to find out that "something". I've tried to get help for him, but he won't go. I've replayed messages of him threatening to kill me in front of him, but he denies ever saying anything. I've brought him the history of family psychological problems, but he adamantly refuses it happening to him. I think his "reality" causes him to see and hear and believe whatever he wants to.
Thank you for your response. It means a great deal to me.

My brother does have a history of behaving this way. I can remember him acting this way even while we were both in elementary school. I do believe next ime he threatens violence or suicide I will have him go in for a mandatory 72 hour evaluation. I wonder though if he will lie his way out of it and fool the psychiatrist as he has an innumerable amount of times to a lot of people, including one therapist.

What does MHO mean?

Thank you for your response. It means a great deal to me.

You need to play those messages in front of someone else... and then the places where he denies it too.

I don't know what you can do. I think help in cases like this is very hard to find.

Thank you. I appreciate your response.

SJBenne, are you living with your mother? If so, can you move out of her home to a location that is kept secret from your brother? And probably from your mother too, as she might tell him. There are often inexpensive rooms for rent in the neighborhoods around colleges. I think your first concern needs to be for your own safety. If your brother is blaming you for all of his problems in life, and if he does become murderous, you might be the target. This sounds very serious to me.

This sounds good in theory, but studies have shown that taking out a restraining order on vengeful people can often escalate their violence. They can get super pissed off at the person who took out the restraining order and come after them. This happens all the time, so please beware. Just because it becomes a crime for the person to set foot on your property, it doesn't mean they will obey that and not come after you. The police will not be there, and it will be too late. I'm sorry if that is being too blunt, but it's the truth. Just because you file a restraining order does not mean you will be given 24 hour protection. Last year, a woman was murdered where I work by an ex-boyfriend that she had just taken out a restraining order on. She had moved to a secret location to protect herself from him, but he knew where she worked and he got her there.

SJBenne, I would like to recommend a book to you that covers some of what I wrote above. It can help you predict which people will escalate to violence, and it helps you learn to trust your own fear. The book is:
The Gift of Fear by Gavin De Becker.

Good luck. I hope you will take whatever action you need to in order to protect yourself.

I do live my mom right now. After spring semester, I took a semester off of college to take care of her because she got very sick last summer. However, this January I will be returning to college. The only problem is that the college I have transferred to is near my brother. I don't want to go to another college because it really is my dream school, and I worked very hard to even be accepted into it.
I'm going to the library tomorrow, and I will look up the book. He called twice today at about 10 in the morning. I don't know what's going on. He knows that she has a job and is at work. He also knows that payday is tomorrow though, and I am sure he wants money. But the question is though "Why would he call when he knows she's at work and can't answer her phone?" Maybe it's to harass us.....I just don't know any more.

S.J.B.