[coconut64]

I'm in the middle of a really intense case of transference with my T. The silences, his blank face, I guess everything he does triggers me. I see him as my abuser. It's so real to me that sometimes I swear he is in front of me instead of my T. The result is that I have paralyzing fear. I can hardly speak. I sit there in complete anxiety. My T keeps reassuring me he is not going to hurt me, which I know and believe. So his question is, then, why do I continue to see him as my abuser? Why can't I see what's in front of me (my T not my abuser)? Does anyone have any suggestions on why I'm so hang up on making my T my abuser????? Please, please help.

[MissCharlotte]

((coconut))

This happens to me a lot. T said I have complex PTSD. It's not quite as obvious as you describe, because I'm not as aware when I'm "in it." I think the only way is for the two of you to keep talking through it. Try to realize the triggers, whether it's something in the room, the conversation, how he speaks to you, etc. I have been able to "rewind" a session and hone in on specific parts of our exchange when T sort of morphed into someone else because of the feeling I got when he said something in particular, or even the way he held himself. It's as if you are in a hyper arousal state of trauma and your system must be retrained to know you are safe. I have found it particularly helpful to flat out tell T the second I am beginning to feel anxious and he helps me stay grounded.

If you can slow it down and try to capture the trigger, then you can begin to believe in T. It's very difficult work and excruciatingly slow.

I've gone through something like this with my T as well. Particularly because one of my abusers was a counselor in my teens...and here I am sitting with this counselor... eeek! Sometimes I know I just totally lose reality, and I think "here we go again". It seems like since we've worked through that particular trauma, that feeling has lessened, though.

T and I spend a lot - A LOT - of time on building trust and safety. I mean a lot. I agree with Miss C - maybe this is something you need to talk about, and talk about, and talk about, and talk about. It's part of what makes therapy SO slow, but it's part of the process, I think.

[Sannah]

It seems that this transference is just a normal part of successful therapy. You are bringing these very loaded memories and emotions out into the daylight and they become "real" in the room and the only other person in the room is pulled into the experience. Did you tell the T specifically that he is the abuser to you while in therapy? Continue to work with it and you will resolve it.

[coconut64]

Thank you MC, EM and Sannah

My next appointment is tomorrow and I'm freaking out. Of course I could go in there and talk about something completely different but this would be like the elephant in the room. It has gotten so intense, we need to resolve it.

Maybe the answer lies in the fact that I tell T he doesn't seem real. He is removed (sometimes too much). He is of the blank face school. But, still he is supportive and understanding. When I read how some of your Ts hold your hands and give you hugs, I wish my T was like that. However, I think those are longings from the past that T cannot fulfill, so it's OK.

I tell him that he doesn't seem real because he is removed, he has this blank face so it's hard to accept him and his caring. It's like it has an expiration date. Like any day soon, it's going to be over and he is going to start acting like my abuser. For some reason, I cannot really believe that his concern from me is real. Does he care about me? Is it just because I pay him?

Or maybe I bring my abuser in the room because I want T to exorcise him from me. Or me, I bring him in because I want a different outcome. Who knows.

I did tell T, he knows what is going on. I imagine it must not be easy for him either.

I just read a post Mouse posted similar to mine and it helps to read about other people going through the same thing.

Thanks everyone (((((((((((((()))))))))))))))))))))