Inconsistency Hurts. (This is a long post).

I'm sorry that you are going through this and I know how much it hurts. I am not surprised because i had the same kind of thing happen to me years ago with a therapist who became overinvolved and had poor boundaries. Unfortunately, the client ends up suffering. It usually happens during a crisis (like your Dad's death) when you are more likely to take advantage of the support available and it soon becomes apparent that the "extra" supports are not a good idea because the patient becomes overly dependent. Cell phone calls, emails, excessive demands on a therapist's time outside of session end up fostering dependency which is counteractive to the therapy. There is a difference between healthy dependency and unhealthy dependency. My former T changed her behavior overnight after having consultation (she was a private practice psychologist). She lost her ability to see things objectively. She cared too much and wanted so badly to be there for me (she came to my house, held me, gave me her relative's phone numbers when she was visiting (prior to cellphones), allowed me to leave voice messages 24/7, etc) All this extra support and care made me feel really good and made me virtually unable to handle things on my own. Instead of getting better, i got worse and worse ove rtime. And she got burned out. So, it's not unusual for stricter boundaries to be put in place at a time when it seems the most inappropriate. Perhaps your T was starting to feel a little burned out, or he questioned if he was really helping you or hurting you with all the extra contact.

Another idea is that someone in the agency found out about the private email account and that sent up a red flag. Generally this is a no-no in a professional sense. My current therapist will not do email with me at all, although I can call her and she will return my call and if it's an emergency, I can have her paged. The email policy is mostly for patients with BPD because it can cause so much turmoil when the therapist doesn't respond the way the patient is hoping (which frequently happens).

Therapists cannot always be there for us in the moment. That is why it puts a burden on a therpaist who allows email and phone contact and he or she happens to be unavailable. The therapist has a right to his/her own personal time too. They are human like everyone else.

I do think he owes you an honest explanation, but be prepared for it may not be what you want to hear. I have a DBT therapist now, and if my therapist feels close to burnout due to my behaviors, she must tell me before making any drastic changes so that I have the opportunity to change my behavior first. There have been many times when i was unaware of what i was doing and how it was affecting her willingness to work with me. The result has been trust in the relationship and much more productive therapy.

Hi Pink,

You are always such a magnet for controversy! What's up with that? I have been around the block with my T regarding phone calls and I think there are no firm rules that can apply to everyone, so we worked it out, and I think you two can as well. I'm in a practical, problem solving mood so here goes:

I've been thinking a bit more about this situation. You and T have always had a very open and loving relationship. Telephone and email contact are important parts of your therapy. It seems that the agency has set some boundaries that T truly has no choice but to follow. I don't think it's mean spirited or an indication of a lack of confidence in the therapist's judgment. I just think that whenever you have a large organization there are rules that you have to live with. Yeah, it sucks.

I don't think you two can get around the email rule. But as far as the phone rules go, T will just have to make you feel confident about the times he will check his voice mail. For example, if you know that he checks his voice mail every evening at 10, and again at 7:30 a.m., you can make sure you leave a message before then if you need to talk to him. Whatever the times are that he checks, then he has to let you know what those times are and be true and consistent in checking. Ask him if it's possible for him to let you know what time he'll be checking. It will give you some bit of feeling held and safe during this rough time.

As for e-mail, can you set your email up so that you receive a return receipt if the recipient read it? Then you will know he read your message. And tell him if he clicks it, you will assume that he READ it too!

For all of this to go on when you feel vulnerable is not fair!

Okay, that's it for my practical advice du jour.

Take care.

(((( pink ))))
What a difficult time for you to have sudden changes in the ways you and T connect happening, too. Too many losses at one time. I hope you and T will talk it out when you see him and that you'll feel better.

Just so everyone knows-- like I said before, the changes are due to what the agency is asking for... My T did not lie and make up new rules because he is overinvolved with poor boundaries. I thought I explained myself clearly when I tried to say that cogntively, I understand-- however, the feeling is that things are being taken away from me. I understand from the point of view that because it is an agency, they would want communication kept inside the agency-- suppose a client leaves a suicidal message on a T's cell phone or email and then something happens to the personal messages? I would suspect that it is much safer on their end, to have communication come through office phones and emails.

As for the phone session thing, I have to discuss that with him in person because I don't understand where he stands with that.

And finally, as far as him not getting back to me-- well, that was my own **** up, and I made a new post about it. He called me on Friday night.

April, I can understand your concerns, but your explanation of your former T sounds a lot more extreme than my situation. And as for your boundaries with your current T-- things are a lot different in DBT than in psychodynamic therapy.

I don't thinkI have an unhealthy dependency on my T. I am obviously going through the most difficult time in my life, and I think I have done a great job of managing it independently. Sometimes I do really need him, though. However, I don't see myself as fragile. T is not there to push me out of bed every morning so that I can get to work-- he is not there to coax me to do study; he is not there to push me to go to class; I don't depend on him for my daily functioning, my direction in my life, or to set goals-- all of that is done on my own-- whether I am going through a ridiculously difficult time or not.

Pink,
You and your T have been through a lot. I can definitely see why you would feel like things have been taken away from you with this change in agency. It took me a long time to feel comfortable with my therapeutic relationship and one MAJOR factor in my being able to move forward recently has been the ability to have limited communication with my T via email. I am starting to need this option a little less; but it still is very important that I can email if I want/need to. I can also see that the timing of this change is not the best.

You and your T have overcome many issues in the past. I hope you both will be able to make these new arrangements work for you.

(((PINK!)))
Kudos
hugs
compassion
caring
all commin at ya