T wants me to go to the hospital. I don't want to go. I can't go.

This sucks. I need to be able to just snap out of it, and I can't.

I'm scared.

[PleaseHelp]

Why do you not want to go to the hospital? I understand not wanting to go. I am just wondering what your reasoning is.

What are you trying to snap out of?

[cantstopcrying]

If only we could just "snap" out of it! It doesn't work like that. Go, let them help you, let them make you safe and help you heal.

[Christina86]

((((((((earthmama)))))))))))) I'm sorry that things are so hard right now. That must have been scary to hear from T! Nobody wants to go to the hospital, not even me - and I'm there a lot for different things.

Please take care of yourself, and do what's good for you - even if it's hard.

We care about you here.

I can't go.

I have 3 kids that I homeschool and no one to watch them.
H would be very angry. Very angry.
I don't know what it would be like there and how long I would have to be there and how they would let me out.
I don't want to be with a bunch of people I don't know.
I don't want to admit that it's this bad right now.
I don't want anyone else - H, family, friends - to know how bad it is for me.
I want to be able to do this on my own.

I am so scared, I can't even explain it.

I feel trapped. I feel desperate. I want someone to tell me what to do to feel different. I need help. But I just can't do the hospital thing. No way.

[SpottedOwl]

(((((earthmama))))

I'm so sorry.

Did you and T talk about any other options -- other than the hospital?
Maybe there is solution somewhere in between? Intensive out-patient treatment?

Whatever the decision, I know your kids need a mom, and making sure you are here and healthy has to be a priority.

I wish I could take all the pain away from you, and replace it with the warmth of love.

You are in my thoughts...wish I could do more.

many, many, many

[darkrunner]

(((((((((((((((((((((earthmama)))))))))))))))))))))))

I'm sorry you're going through this.

I sent you a PM

I know this is hard for you.

Hang in there.
ktgirl

[Sannah]

I'm sorry EM that this is so hard ......

Did you tell T that your husband would be really angry?

I talked to H about it, and he WAS really angry.

So, I told T that the hospital is off the table as an option, AND I made sure he understands that he does NOT have permission to talk to H if H should happen to call him.

I am angry - I don't want to go to the hospital, but the lack of support from H is just....ugh.

I have an appointment with T tomorrow at 11.

[PleaseHelp]

I am sorry to hear that your H is not very supportive that sux.

I am glad that you have a T appointment tomorrow. I hope that things go well with the T.

Let me know if there is anything you need?

[coconut64]

Em hang in there, you and your T will figure out what is best for you. I read about your kids and homeschooling. You need to take care of you so that you can take care of them, please consider this. Any idea why you have taken a turn for the worst?

(((Earthmama))),
I am SOOOOO worried about you! I know about the H thing, I totally understand, that is at least one reason why I wouldn't go into the hospital. I'm so here for you! You are such a wonderful person, so kind, caring, and empathic. Please PM me after your appt. with T. I'll look for one when I get home from work. Please stay safe. I LOVE YOU YOU CAN GET THROUGH THIS! YOU WILL GET THROUGH THIS!
Keep me posted.

[pachyderm]

I don't understand why H is so angry. But ignore this if it is something so obvious that I should understand it without being told...

[chaotic13]

Originally Posted by pachyderm

I don't understand why H is so angry. But ignore this if it is something so obvious that I should understand it without being told...

Pachy, I don't know about EM's H but my H would me most upset because he would realize that he would be suck home dealing with the kids all day. My H gets pissed when he has to "babysit" the kids when I go to work. I have to explain to him 1) that HE IS THE DAD, IT'S NOT BABYSITTING, IT'S CALLED PARENTING and 2) me going to work is not the same as say... going to play golf.

EM to can totally see why going to the hospital doesn't seem like a good option for you. Especially if you are leaving your kids with someone who is angry. My H would also likely resent the fact that I was doing something to take care of myself... he would see the hospital as a trip to the spa.

Can you write down all of your fears and concerns you have about going to the hospital? Then maybe go through them one by one to see if they are "real" issues. Then maybe come up with ways that might help you manage the real ones. For example... if you went into the hospital for a few days, could you make arrangements with a family member or close friend to have your kids do a sleep over one of the days. Maybe this way it would lighten the load for H, keep the kids sheltered from his anger, and they may not realize what is really going on with you. I know for me when I had to go a way for 6-day stretches to attend classes, I was scared to death to leave my kids with my H. Luckily, my adult stepdaughters understood the situation really came through for me. They each took turns visiting the house, took the kids on little excusions, and called me to let me know they were watching out for their little bothers. This was so helpful. Too bad it is not the summertime, then you could possibly enroll them in a sports camp or Bible school for a few days.

Maybe you could brainstorm again with your T. There has got to be some other options! An intensive day program...something.

But if not... then maybe doing a short hospital stay it the most efficient and effective way to get you back under control. It might be really hard and cause a lot of temporary distruption in your home... but you are definately worth it.

((EM)) I am sorry you are going through this.

[tulips30]

I understand everything you have written. I had all of the same reasons ( except for homeschooling) that you had given for not wanting to go. My husband was upset and angry also.

I went........in April. I was scared of all the same things you are. I stayed 2 weeks. During that time, I started feeling soooo safe. I got lots of help. I participated in the day to day things. I made pretty earrings. I got to meet some really cool people and also see people who were worse off than me. I got a chance to have my meds changed and regulated in a safe place. I saw my Pdoc everyday.

I made the decision that I didn't want visitors. I knew that an angry husband or upset kids would set me back. It was a good decision. I kept in contact with my t. by e-mail.

I GOT BETTER!! I'm not telling you to go, or not to go. Only that it can turn out to be the thing that will help you find the road back if you work it.

tulips

[sunrise]

(((((earthmama)))))

I am glad you are seeing your T tomorrow. I hope you two can put your heads together and come up with some options to help. Like daily outpatient treatment?

It sounds like such a difficult and stressful time for you. Please go to the hospital if that is what it takes to be safe. Is there any way you can lessen your responsibilities at this time to make life easier for yourself? The daily homeschooling is a huge responsibility. This is just a suggestion that may not be doable or desirable, but could your kids go to regular school this semester instead of home school? It's so hard to have to be a functional parent (and teacher!) when it's a challenge to get through each day.

Please take care of YOU.

[splitimage]

I'm really sorry that your H got angry. That is not helpful or supportive.

I always swore I would never do a psych admission. (Didn't want that following me around in my medical records, fear of living with a bunch of strange people, having people know how bad my problems were really etc.) But last summer things wound up getting really bad, and both my T and my pdoc were suggesting IP. I wound up going in voluntarily and it was one of the best things I've ever did for myself. It gave me the space I needed to be safe and to focus on just getting well. i had lots of different group therapy, saw my pdoc every day, got my meds adjusted, and met some ok people. I also learned to knit. I wound up being in 7 weeks. Because I was in voluntary, I could leave the hospital whenever I wanted, other than having to be in at a certain time of night, to go for walks or whatever. And my pdoc and I agreed that we'd both agree on when I was ready for discharge.

Only you can know your own circumstances and make decisions for your life. I'm just saying that hospitalization can be quite helpful when things are really bad, and that while scary at first, it can be a good experience.

Take care of yourself.

--splitimage

Thanks for the helpful replies. Especially about experiences in the hospital.

I'm really scared. REALLY SCARED. My kids are 11, 8, and 6. We are together all the time. I don't know who would watch them. All of my friends homeschool too, and they could kind of rotate around maybe, but that seems like a lot when I'm really not comfortable asking for help. The only other available person to watch them is MY MOM, who is a huge part of the reason I'm at the point I'm at.

I am literally shaking. I'm scared to go to therapy today. Yesterday, I spent the session literally curled in a ball in the corner of the couch with my hands over my head. IT WAS AWFUL. Every time T said anything, I jumped out of my skin. He told me he was talking as softly as he could.

I get these glimmers of "Hey! Wait! I think I'm okay!" - like at my son's baseball game last night, I was finally able to just sit, and be, and watch the game, and feel kind of normal. But then I slip back down again.

I left T a message yesterday and promised that I would work REALLY HARD in session today to figure out how to move forward. The thing is, I already feel like I'm working really hard. And here I am.

I'm tempted to cancel my appointment, I'm afraid it will make me feel worse instead of better.

Seriously, I want to just snap out of it. I don't know what's wrong with me. I feel like I'm losing it.

((((((((((((((((((earthmama))))))))))))))))))

I'm so sorry H is not being supportive. But then, if he doesn't know how bad you are feeling maybe he doesn't understand? I'm sorry you are going through a bad time hon, sometimes, even though it is not convenient, hospital is the only answer ... you have to keep yourself safe .... you have to heal in order to look after your little ones .... i know maybe you dont want to hear this though.

If your H knew how desperate you are, would he stay home just for a few days? This would put your mind at rest and enable you to get the help you need .... my thoughts are with you sweetie .... please keep reaching out here also .... love, care and many hugs, Jinny xoxoxoxoxoxoxo

[emilyjeanne]

Originally Posted by earthmama

T wants me to go to the hospital. I don't want to go. I can't go.

This sucks. I need to be able to just snap out of it, and I can't.

I'm scared.

EM,

The hospital is a scary place. My first time was horrifying. Not because the place was bad but because I was feeling that I must be a real crazy person to be there.

I have now been hospitalized 6 times. 3 times in the last year. I have used the hospital as a place to recharge my batteries, have medication changes and a place to be safe. The hospital is there to make you better. It is not a place where therapy will happen. That will be with your T. But it is a place that can really snap you out of your dark place.

I recommend it. Your husband will have to understand. If you need it go.

Originally Posted by earthmama

I talked to H about it, and he WAS really angry.

So, I told T that the hospital is off the table as an option, AND I made sure he understands that he does NOT have permission to talk to H if H should happen to call him.

I am angry - I don't want to go to the hospital, but the lack of support from H is just....ugh.

I have an appointment with T tomorrow at 11.

My H was really weird about the whole hospital thing, as well. I think it is because they are so scared; just as scared as we are, but for different reasons.. but they have no idea how to express it, so it comes out in anger. PM me whenever you want to. I am worried about you, and I just want you to be okay (not vapid).

[PleaseHelp]

EM-

I hope that you are doing better. How did you T appointment go? I will keep you in my prayers.

T helped so, so, so much today. I really feel way calmer.

Without rehashing the whole thing, I do think we got down to the bottom of a lot of what is going on. Basically, it's time for me to "stop running". To "stop swimming". To just float for a bit and see where the water takes me.

I have worked really, really hard since starting therapy a year ago, and I live in a very, very, VERY chaotic household (three boys, homeschooled, one with autism, plus a bunch of pets and H) and everything was just kind of coming together in an overwhelming spiral that I couldn't get out of. It was scary.

T held me today, and heard me, and calmed me, and together we figured out at least what direction we need to go in. It will be a process, but I feel better, like there is a little hope now.

So, I'm supposed to stop working so hard, and just "be". Which is why he wanted me to go to the hospital in the first place - so I could get out of the chaos, and "be", and get safe. He wants me to back out of everything I can for this weekend, and I'm going to. I am seeing a family therapist on Thursday that he highly recommends to see if I can get some ideas on how to calm my crazy kids....especially my middle autistic son, who, bless his heart, is honestly a catalyst for a lot of chaos.

I feel safe being loved right now, and safe loving T back. Things feel slower and better and less LOUD in my head. I am breathing and floating and trying to let things be.

T left me a message for this weekend to soothe me. In it, he said "stop running". That is what I'm going to try to do.

I don't feel totally out of the woods. The hospital is still a possibility, but we are going to try this first. I feel hopeful.

Thanks everyone for supporting me. Now maybe I can actually start supporting all of YOU.

[MissCharlotte]

((((((earthmama)))))))

Hi. I am so glad you are feeling a teeny bit better.

If you can, you should go to www.healthjourneys.com

You should purchase the ptsd trauma tape by Bellaruth Naparstek. You can download it.

It is a wonderful meditation that will help to calm you, and keep you in the here and now.

One moment at a time. Baby steps, sister.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxxoox

[Kiya]

Earthy - I'm sorry i didn't see this sooner. now that this forum has moved, i often can't find it or forget it.
Like Miss said about those tapes/cds/downloads, i also use them. they are nice.
I hope you are ok.