New here...Need some therapy support.

Let me start by saying: Hi, I am new here !

I have already gotten so much through reading the posts in this forum trying to make sense of my own experience in therapy. Thank you to those who are so brave to post their experiences.

Some background: I have been going to therapy for 10 months. I started because I was in grad school, my stress and anxiety levels were through the roof, my marriage was a mess, my ability to parent my kids was zero, and I just needed a safe place to be. Going to therapy was great and extremely helpful. After I graduated I stayed in therapy. Naturally, after I graduated we began to discuss more about my childhood and traumas I have been through in addition to my coping skills and the way I see the world and my trust in others.

But, I have to say that I have dug my heels in around all of this stuff. I am, at this point, just not interested in going there- however good for me it may be. And so I am frustrated. With my resistence to the therapy, with myself. But I still go and we have been talking about my ability to trust in the context of this relationship.

Which brings me to my issue. Since we have been talking about "our" relationship I have begun to have overwhelming transference. Most recently, I have had the mental image of laying my head in her lap and letting her stroke my hair. (This is in a very mothering/nurturing way.) I had a session yesterday and told her about this image and she very appropriately addressed boundaries (just to clarify I don't want her to touch me, in fact if she did touch me I would probably freak out, I just want to talk about it) and then we talked about what this image may mean to me. The whole time I am wanting to sob or run away. I did cry a little but I am not a big cryer. And then and still today I am hugely embarrassed about talking about something so intimate and so in my psyche.

I should also note that my family of origin was not very nurturing and I don't let others take care of me ever. At all.

I am freaking out about this... The scenario, the risk, my transference image. I am definately in need of support right now. Thank you!

Welcome!
And you sound very clear.
I find the strength of those feelings very scary too. It sounds like your T is effective. If you feel she is the sort of person you feel you can trust to go ahead with this process, then I'd imaging it could be a good experience. Trust your instincts, and then even if you get it wrong you'll still be learning from the mistake. Also, take it easy, go at the pace right for you. For me, I couldnt start talking about fam of origin stuff till it flowed naturally out of what was going on. I'd be sickened to do that thing of 'talking about the past 'because thats what you do in therapy isnt it', but when it flows naturally, its a different thing, theres a sort of lacing it in and going back and forth past-present that feels wholesome and sensible.

Hope this helps some.

riverx

((searchingmysoul))

Welcome!

Do you think that part of freaking out may be showing your T that you do need/want to be nurtured?

It can be really scary to admit that we need affection and nurturing when we have learned to be self sufficient.

I have freaked out numerous times in therapy, because it is so hard to let those walls down after taking care of myself for so many years. It is scary to learn to trust another person. The beautiful part is, that slowly, I have been learning to trust my T, and that it is OK to want nurturing.

It sounds like you are doing a great job, so be forgiving of yourself. Anytime we try something new, it is going to feel uncomfortable. Just know that those feelings don't last, and that T is there to support your growth.

Yes!!! After I told her about my fab transference we talked about me "surrendering" to this need. This is really beyond me.

Thank you! This is all so helpful. When I think about talking about trauma/family I want to run, fight, vomit~maybe all at the same time. But then I think I need to force myself because, after all, I do pay for it.

Can you tell me more about what you mean by T being effective? I am not sure I understand. Thank you!

~searching

Hi Soul, so you have identified a need of yours, this is great. Keep working......

Can you tell me more about what you mean by T being effective? I am not sure I understand. Thank you!

~searching[/quote]

What I was thinking about is that you said you were addressing the issue of trust, which I'd think is fairly central, so she has the right focus in mind. I was thinking also, about asking 'what does it mean to you' about the nurturing touch, doesnt seem a bad question, although, I felt for you a bit when she addressed boundaries, ... as I wouldnt have thought you were doing anything but sharing your thoughts and imaginings.

I also got very vivid imagary and fantasy with my T. in that transference stuff.

river

((((Searching))))),
You're not alone, trust me! I've been in therapy three years and have had a many a moment that I've felt like a total idiot telling my T such in depth things. It does tend to get easier for the most part. You did the right thing by telling your T how you felt! As the therapeutic alliance grows stronger, I think people become more open in telling our T's the intimate details. I think it's still uncomfortable, though, so I understand how you are feeling! It sounds like your T does understand, though, so try to allow yourself some peace Take care!

Welcome to PC!

Those risks feel so big - admitting those intimate longings we have for nurturance, love, caring from our Ts. But for me, that's where the really DEEP stuff lies - the really deep, deep wounds that need healed.

When I started therapy, I expected the trauma stuff to kind of be "it" - I didn't expect all of this transference and longing. It's painful...and for me, it was embarrassing at first to admit those feelings and fantasies. But I think it's probably a really normal part of therapy, and of healing...

Good for you for taking the risk. It will be okay.

This makes more sense to me now. Thank you. I actually joined this site specifically to help understand the intense transference I was begining to have.

And the boundaries around my image was definately an "ouch!" moment. Of course I absolutely understand... But it is hard not to feel some rejection. She asked about what I felt about this piece, the boundaries. I just said that I felt overwhelmed by my feelings which is true, but I didn't admit to feeling rejected.

I am still feeling really messy about the whole session. UGH!

Thanks all. It really does feel better not to be alone.

Yeah, if that were me, my guess is..., you felt rejection not because of her boundaries, but becuase in that instance she didnt see you at the deep level where you long to be seen, that is, that you were actually responsibly and vividly expressing a deep longing....... very vulnerable place to be.
You did you best to communicate, and she did ask how you felt about it....
that would give me some encouragement,... it was a reasonably good question huh? .......... she is focussing on some really relevant issues, so I'd imagine that that could be to do with the strenght of your emotional responsiveness....

good to share with you too....

river

Welcome! I really appreciate you sharing your story. I've never stayed with a therapist long enough to experience any transference issues but I feel like it could be an excellent teaching tool if I ever worked with someone who allowed for that approach to therapy.

Most of my practitioners have been more behavioral than psychodynamic, however, so sessions are not as fluid as a lot of what I've seen described on this site. In fact, despite working in the field, I've only had one supervisor/professor ever model psychodynamic practices for me so I don't feel I'd be qualified to handle transference issues without intense supervision.

I do believe, however, that I experience transference in my relationships with men. So, learning about it I've been able to apply it to those situations and in that vein, I can relate to your fears and vulnerability and embarrassment. You just have this urge to be nurtured... but at the same time, it isn't something you'd ever do in reality. If that makes any sense at all??

Thanks for sharing, again, and welcome to the board.

edit: by "you" above... i meant "me"... not trying to speak for you... that's what I experience...

Exactly this! I had to learn to both survive and deny any feelings of need also ~If I don't need anything than it can't bother me that you can't or won't give it to me~ Right? Yet I want to be cared for. I just don't let others care for me or meet my needs. And when they try, I push away, usually pretty hard.

I find your professional experience very interesting also. I am also in the field. And, interestingly, all of my supervisors have been psychodynamic in nature. But I have to say being on the couch, being the client, exposing myself, is freaking hard.

I have really appreciated the opportunity to process all of this!