@_@ t self disclosure has me floored

I am still.... not sure where or who i am or what i'm doing.... I mean... I've spent a year with t (and 2 weeks, not that I'm counting) and tonight it was like we changed roles. I was the t, sitting at my ease (aka dissociated and in physical pain) and T was leaning forward spilling her life to me in this tumble of words tripping over themselves.
I think T was really trying to *reach* me since right now i am so at the edge... at the end of my rope. well, she got my attention.
All this time i knew she had personally dealt with anxiety - and that was all I knew. That she started her career as a medical-surgeon nurse, then went to PMHNP then her PsyD. Pain clinics, migraine clinics... a long lucrative bio....
and then suddenly this - the same things i am dealing with; childhood s*xual (as well as physical) abuse, severe dissociation... ongoing abuse througout life.... and me going into some sort of dissociated shock from just not knowing and suddenly knowing.
but she reached me.
and suddenly we are speaking the same language. i don't need to protect her... she already knows. i don't need to translate.
i just need to talk. the one thing i really haven't done.
and tears keep escaping me... and emotions i can't quite pinpoint or name.
like i'm in a sno globe and someone shook it. it's beautiful, a white-out and i can't see and yet i see more now than i did.
beautiful f***ing pain.
all i have to do now is talk. talk about the beautiful f***ing pain. f***ing, f***ing pain. B.F.P.
I have John Mayer's song in my head... "Say what you need to say..."
B.F.P.
lost and confused, and seeing more than i saw 5 hours ago, and just as blind....

(((((((((((((((((Kiya))))))))))))))))))))

I wish..I knew what to say..but I don't have the words, all I can tell you is that I am here with you, and holding your hand, and caring about you.

Gentle hugs (((((((( Kiya ))))))))

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((kiya)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

your post touched me. I am sorry for your pain and wish my silly words could take it away.

I hope this doesn't come off as trite or invalidating,
but it brought to mind the line of the song,
"when you're going through hell, keep on going."

Sometimes that's all you can do....hang in there Kiya.

ktgirl

(((((((((((((((((((((( kiya )))))))))))))))))))))))

SHE UNDERSTANDS. You are not alone. What a huge, amazing thing that is. And look how powerful and strong she is now - just like you are learning to be.

Wow.

(((((((((((((((((((((((Kiya))))))))))))))))))))))))) What a great thing to be heard and understood. I am so glad that you are so connected.

BB

ok ...ok... so it was real. just checking. i am so far in depression i can barely move and thought i dreamt all this.

i know! i can't believe it! that's why i thought she didn't know what it is to have my past. i would have never guessed in a million years.

yes - good advice. i am trying. i don't feel like i have the energy to keep going.... but i spose the alternative is worse.

(((((((((pegasus, silver, everyone)))))))))))))
thanks

i still have so much to process about this (i owe her an email) but it was so jam-packed with stuff that i don't even know where to begin. also, there is my final due in 6 hours and the depression i am fighting against.
i guess first things first - final then email....

Wow, Kiya!

I'm so glad your T was able to tell you about herself! Now you can just talk and know that you'll be heard, understood ((((Kiya))))))
You're in my thoughts and I hope you are doing well. I hope to talk to you soon. Take care!

How comforting. How reassuring. You are not alone.

Good luck with your final.

One of the things I communicated to my T last week was my fear/belief that if I told her some stuff or tried to explain things that ... she would act like she understands but really won't. That it may seems safe but that she is not really safe.

Now that I think about it...this was a pretty mean thing to communicate to someone who has been trying to help me for over a year. Maybe this fear just comes from feeling like someone needs to actually experience something to really understand and get what you are saying. Intellectually I don't think that is true, but emotionally maybe I do.

Kyia, I don't know all the rules about self-disclosure but it seems like in your case it removed some doubt you had about not being understood and the fear of ultimately begin rejected by someone who just really doesn't get it.

Your post also reminded me that I really have no idea what my T has or hasn't personally experienced in her own life. So why should I automatically assume that she is unable to comprehend or appreciate where I've been.

(((((((((((((((KIYA))))))))))))))))

Your very lucky to have such a T who can help you--and you can trust.

You hang in there.

I just wanted to write first about "rules for self-disclosure." I don't know that there are any rules universally but each profession's code of ethics has guidelines that basically state that you always strive to do what is best for the client. Agencies might have strict no self-disclosure policies (my first job only allowed my first name to be given to clients).

I think it also depends on your theoretical orientation. Some modalities are more peer-level and engaging where there's this open flow of information. Some are very authoritative and control centered where the clinician takes all the info they can gather without providing any of their own.

It's a judgment call as to whether or not self-disclosure could damage a client relationship, strengthen it, or even possibly put the clinician at risk for harm. There are some clients with disorders so severe that any vulnerability will be manipulated in a power play.

As for the original post and the rest of your post above, thanks for sharing. I remember the first time a therapist disclosed to me about her past and it was one of the biggest turn arounds of my life in a positive way. She also drove me home from that session (she was way too trusting) when I missed the bus. It really helped to know she was successful in life despite her challenges.

I haven't had a therapist disclose since then... and I think that's what I was seeking again... someone who just gave any sign to let me know that they knew what it was like... I'm sure most do, everyone experiences pain, but I just feel so vulnerable in a room with someone designed to look flawless. That style doesn't work for me and so, my next therapist, I don't want to know their life story, but I want them to be more shabby chic than Restoration Hardware... if that makes sense.

Good luck with your processing. It sounds like you are in a very difficult palce right now but I think it's awesome you managed to pull yourself out long enough to go to your session. That's really a good example for me to follow. Thank you.

((Kiya))

Wow--shared experience, shared pain--I think that your healing within the context of the therapeutic relationship just took a huge leap forward. Wow. You must be overwhelmed and overjoyed.

The fact that you feel like you can now "just talk" is beautiful.

Big Hugs

Kiya- you are so brave. Not only to be facing what you have experienced but also to do it in such a real way.

Wow - so many responses. Thank you to everyone (((((((Soli, Sunrise, Chaotic, Simcha, Scaredsad, Miss, and Searching))))))))

I haven't even been able to follow-up. I just started my email to t and included a lot of my original post. But things keep coming up and hiding again and the words are more like shells in the tide - here momentairly and gone. When the waves cover them, I even forget they are there.

Miss, I think you're right (and yet it is like a strong undertow - moving yet hidden but felt). It is hard to describe since it has also been hidden from me all this time - by myself to keep myself functioning. I always *knew there was something amiss* but refused to look at it head on. Like you said, I am overwhelmed (mostly - more than anything) and yet relieved because that shared experience is there and I don't have to feel like such a foreign space alien!! Though it would be easier to "beam up" and not deal... i spose - no wait, that's what I have been doing. Forgot.

I know - at least I feel i know - that T's only motive in self-disclosure was that the life jacket she'd thrown me already was not enough. I had let go of the rope as well. And she literally had to wade in after me and pull me back in with the very same darkness that was swallowing me to show me there's a way out. She had already told me about her older sister's pain and how that is managed (which I didn't take the bait for) and was clearly sinking fast (this whole thing was about choosing or not to manage the physical pain of fibro and my giving up along with the majority of my dr's).

Yeah, i think that's a big one. We just never know - with anybody - what their lives have been like or what gave them their current strength or current hardships. Shook me to the core - the same abuse i had suffered? also broken bones? What? You - my strong, perfect, "i have my life altogether, i run marathons and travel to 3rd world countries to teach AIDS awareness" t??? Finding out she actually LIVED dissociation and is on the other side to tell the tale... all this time I thought I was speaking in Martian. I admit, I am still blown away.

I would be blown away also. (((Kiya))) I think I would be scared too. Sometimes I take comfort in thinking (delusional probably) that my T couldn't possibly really understand what I was saying in Martian. I guess it is one of those push-pull things. You want someone to really understand what is going on, but then again you really don't because they might see who you really are. If they have been there, then it is harder to hide but they are better at helping you. (((Kiya)))

(((((( Kiya ))))))

It is wonderful to be able to share with someone who truly knows what you are going through.

kiya, i think self-disclosure from therapists is about timing and really asking "Will this in some way help my Client?"
I am glad you can talk now. You're not so alone. Just because she told you doesn't mean she is not doing well now...careful not to worry about her issues now that she has revealed some of her struggle. That would be a negative effect of disclosure, but i could see myself starting to think and worry.....

Let her know how helpful it was. I forget Ts are human too and hurt too. I don't like to think of them as that at times. I need them to be strong, "wounded, but healed". I guess that is a fantasy which makes me feel i have an anchor of hope in therapy.

keep talking.

Just wanted to add to this, after thinking about Echoes thread, that I think in your case Kiya, the T self-disclosure was just the right thing at the right time. Absolutely. I still get shivers when I think about it because it's just so.....BIG. And it gives me so much hope - for you, and for me, too.

I agree...the way you described the exchange and where you were at the moment, it seems like it was done for a therapeutic reason.

my therapist is incredible...

she has helped me to heal in so may ways...but if she would have ever disclosed this type of info to me...well after she would have to have picked me up off the floor..well it would be amazing..to havesomeone woho would understand everything as it is in my life...and for it to be a therapist to boot...well it just wouldn't get any better than that. it would show me that healing is possible and thatthere is a life in the future after all.

yeah. exactly. AND... it kinda raises the bar for next time... ya know??? @_@

yes again EXACTLY

(((((((((((((((((Chaotic, Earth, Pegasus, Shellbe, Stumpy))))))))))))))))))

Good self-discovery here!