running away with T

I have been having a really challenging time at work--lots of drama and having to defend myself (not one of my strong points). I had a hissy fit the other day in a conversation with my supervisor. Let's just say I didn't act quite mature.

So, today I got to session and I looked at T and said, "T, I'm running away." And he replied: "Me too, let's go together. Where should we go?" I replied, "I'm going to get a new job." He said, "That's not very far."



Duh, what am I stupid? Missed my chance! I coulda been on a beach somewhere by now.

Later on in session (as I continued my rant) he went into his parental figure mode and started talking about how I had to accept my role in this conflict at work. T and I talked a lot about the difference between being the victim and taking care of yourself vs. taking responsibility and acting out.

I looked right at him and told him he HAD to be on MY side here. He said he was on the side of helping me to know myself better and I looked right at him again and said, yeah but YOU HAVE to be on MY side. This is a very young part of me who is now feeling so safe and protected by him.

We both smiled. Yeah,

During the whole session I was coloring and then we analyzed my picture at the end.

OMG two connected sessions in a row......

Miss C,
Sounds like you had a positive session in the middle of a yucky week. That is great the you have 2 consecutive connected sessions...hope the streak continues. I can't seem to string two comforting session together...LOL

I did have one question regarding your coloring during your sessions. How does that usually work. Do you just draw what comes to mind or does he ask you to draw something. After I shared my artwork (I use that term loosely) last session, my T as we were walking out mentioned that she might have me draw during our next session. I didn't really respond to that comment, but of course now I'm worrying about what I might be asked to draw. I'm not a good multi-tasker. I'm not sure if I can hold a conversation and draw at the same time. I know everyone's therapy is different...guess I am just wondering what to expect.

Do you know if you have 3 connected sessions in a row, you have to go to jail until you roll doubles? (Do not pass Go, do not collect $200.) Be careful, Miss.

Chaotic,

I used to be very shy about coloring/drawing in session. It evolved like this: Once T told me he had a pad of paper and colored pencils and I was welcome to use them. This was probably but I don't remember in response to something I said. Then it took a while for me to avail myself of them. Then I would politely ask him if I could draw and wait for him to give them to me. I was horrified that I might pick up the pad and see another client's work. Then I brought in some pastels and left them with his supplies.

Now if I am in the mood--I walk over to where he keeps the stuff and just get it and start drawing/coloring. I do whatever comes to mind. It really calms me when I feel stressed out and helps me to stay grounded enough to have a conversation. Then, at the end of the session we look at what I have created. That's it! No magic--and I am so not an artist!

(((((((((((((((((((((((((( Miss C))))))))))))))))))))))))

Yay for connecting with T, especially when there is chaos all around you. I always feel best when I know my secure base is there, and all is well.

Sunrise,

LOl. I think I"ll bring a monopoly board to my next session!

Whew! Thank goodness I don't have to worry about this.

However, I can easily hit the mark for three argumentative sessions in a row... will that cause me to forclose my house on the Boardwalk? Hahahaha

"
So, today I got to session and I looked at T and said, "T, I'm running away." And he replied: "Me too, let's go together. Where should we go?" I replied, "I'm going to get a new job." He said, "That's not very far."



Duh, what am I stupid? Missed my chance! I coulda been on a beach somewhere by now. ..........."

Hi, MsC.,
I was thinking about this. I can really relate, I've replayed and replayed moments when I missed the chance to be playful and smart, and make that connection in such a 'direct hit' way!
BUT, tho you may not like me so much for saying this, I think you were more healthy here than T. and my support for 'the smart one' goes out to you. You were talking about reality, and dealing with it - getting a new job, and he was inviting fantasy.
I'm so bad at getting out of fantasy and dealing with reality, that your bit here was a precious resource, not to be overlooked. #

Good luck with the new job and the children too.

Hi River,

I've been pondering this all day. I think it's okay that he was inviting fantasy. He was actually taking me up on my fantasy of running away. To be honest, I always go to the practical, or as I tell T, I take it right to the grave.

I think fantasy is a good thing--something that can give us a little insight into our unconscious mind. T and I have discussed the concept of fantasy and I often share fantasies with him. Ours is an analytical psychodynamic relationship. Although I can understand that if you are stuck there it can be a really big problem.

Thank for your thoughts.

I think the exchange about running away sounds like a wonderful connection. It sounds like you both knew it was fantasy, but he went with it showed that he understood what you were really feeling--what you'd like to run away from.

I'm glad you're feeling so connected, Miss C.

((MissCharlotte))

Interesting, very thought-provoking posts.
I too have a very strong practical side, and the idea of fantasizing is something T and I have repeatedly talked about.

I agree, that fantasy can be a good thing.

Take a look at how the dialogue progressed...
MissC wants to run away
T accepts that MissC feels that way, and joins in with her to explore it
MissC then feels accepted, and is able to self-correct and identify what, in a practical sense, she is wanting.

It really shows in a nutshell how beautiful therapy can be when both parties are present.

I also think fantasy plays an important role in our healing. If we can imagine ourselves doing something, then the likelihood of us doing it goes up dramatically. Athletes will visualize themselves performing well before a big meet -- why not use the same approach with our lives/therapy/healing?

IMHO, there is a large difference between fantasizing about what you might want, and escaping into a fantasy world. As with all things, there needs to be a balance.

Thank you for sharing MissC, and I hope you don't mind me playing the arm-chair analyst with your session.

It's that way for me too. Sharing fantasies is helpful in my therapy. Kind of like dreams. They can you take you miles and miles in therapy and insight. My first therapist, who I saw sporadically for less than a year, was a really nice lady, but I look back now and see how she missed many opportunities in therapy. For example, I remember telling her, when my husband was away on business, that I hoped he would not come back. That whenever he came home, I was so disappointed to hear his key turning in the lock, and I just wished he would never return. She said, gently, "that's not going to happen." Well, I know that's not going to happen! Duh. It's not as if I was deluded or something. She really missed an opportunity to explore why I fantasized about that, how I felt, etc. I do remember feeling rather rejected. I offered up something like that to her, my true thoughts and feelings, and she brushed them off. I know my current T would help me explore a fantasy like that if I offered it to him.

I love that your T said this, MissC. I think it shows a lot of caring. And humor too.

Anyone else out there who either doesn't have fantansies or just simply cannot entertain them. My T sometimes tries to get me to fantasize but I never take the bait. I wonder why it is so scary for me.

T indulges me in my fantasies. Usually, I will say something like "can I stay here the rest of the day while you see your other clients? I'll sit out of the way and be really quiet" and then we'll kind of just play and pretend other clients are there and act out what that would be like. Things like that. I think play and laughter are really important in therapy, at least for me. And I do think that our fantasies are a glimpse into some of our deepest wishes and needs and by talking about them in a playful way, we can bring them out into the open and look at them.

I LOVE to play with T. He has said that when he can get me to laugh, he has noticed that I relax (I'll even lay down sometimes) and it creates an instant connection. There is a place for fantasy and play in all relationships, even in therapy.

Thanks Miss C, sounds like your drawing is a lot like my playing with the label on my water bottle activity. I know that if it makes me too anxious to draw during the session I can always decline. Drawing at home had really helped me tap into some things. I think I am just scared about the possibly communicating this new information.

Thanks again for sharing how your sessions go. I hope you have a connected session hatrick this week.
Cocount64, I struggle with allowing myself to have fantasies, I would like to learn how to do this. I'd also like to learn to dream better too. Not sure if that can be taught.

I don't think I could do this either. I can't do it on command. It has to come spontaneously from me and be something I am already thinking on my own, without his prompting. My T has asked me to envision my future, my dreams, hopes, etc., and I fail miserably at this.

Hi and Thanks Spotted Owl,

No worries about the analysis! I sort of enjoyed it--had not broken the exchange down into its components like you did.

Do you think that is true of negative fantasies as well? For example, I suffer from intrusive thoughts and suicidal ideation at times and wonder if the same holds true?
I mean these frightening fantasies occur during times of extreme stress and/or as a result of complex ptsd and triggered from seemingly everyday occurrences. But interestingly enough, T will listen to these as well. He doesn't discourage me from sharing them. It's me who wants to put them away and pretend they aren't there. He says we need to shine a light on everything.

I love how open and accepting he is.

((coconut))

Maybe your fantasies are the frightening kind? See my post above.

Just entertain whatever you feel able to.

((earthmama))

LOL . I have told T that I am not leaving and he has said, "Okay, I'll just have the next client sit over there, on the couch." (That was when I used to sit on the chair.) And we both laugh. Our laughter together is so healing. I love it.

((Chaotic))

Do you mean remember your dreams? I decided I wanted to remember more of my dreams because I never used to think I was dreaming at all. So I got a little journal and pen right on my night table and I told myself as I was falling asleep that I wanted to remember my dream. Then I began waking up slightly and forcing myself to write down the dream no matter if it was the middle of the night. Sometimes I don't even remember writing it down. I don't do it so much anymore but it really works, try it!

((Sunny))

I can't do this either!

I can not do this either! She's asked me if I ever had any fantasies, and I just stare blankly at the wall and go "Nope". I've described myself as a blank, white paper doll wandering aimlessly in a sea of white forever. Lost, but also not even knowing what to look for. THAT is what I see as my future. It is literally blank.

Good! I meant it in the best possible way...it really is a great exchange.

I think those intrusive thoughts are different than fantasies. If we consider the fantasies as coming from the subconscious, I think of the intrusive thoughts as coming from the fight/flight, more primal area of mind.

Since these thoughts are a result of PTSD, it is essentially the fight/flight mechanism 'discharging'. When we talk about the thoughts, then we are engaging our logical mind because of speech centers. With the logical mind engaged, the 'threat' that the primal mind is trying express can be heard, and integrated. As long as we keep them inside, then they keep bouncing back over and over again.

I like what your T says about 'shining the light' on them. I believe that the thoughts are there because the mind went through hell and is now trying to protect you. So, shine the light not only by talking about them in a safe place, but by loving that part of yourself. Forgiving that part of yourself for doing its job.

Keep shining that light!