I have never been able to ask for help. When I was little, there was no point...who would I ask? As I grew, I learned to be self-sufficient and independent. I really have never asked ANYONE for help - not my husband, not my friends - I'm the "helper".

Starting therapy was REALLY HARD for me for that reason....walking in and basically admitting "I need help". It's been such a huge struggle....but T has shown me over and over and over again that I can need things and ask for them and I can need help and ask for it and its OKAY, and usually, I will get what I need.

I've been a mess since my last therapy appointment. I have NEVER cried so much. It's like I've unlocked the tears, and they're just ready to flow at any little thing. I cried talking to H about going down to once a week therapy. I cried today because my autistic son is having such an unbelievably hard time right now. I sobbed tonight because teacher T sent me such an understanding and accepting e-mail - I actually was crying so hard I shut myself in my room so my family wouldn't be freaked out.

And the most amazing chain of events has happened tonight....

I e-mailed T and told him how sad I'm feeling about things..and he just e-mailed me back and said that when he looks at Thursday in his daytimer and doesn't see "earthmama", he feels sad. And he told me he would call me during his breaks when he is in training on Friday so we can process whatever happens in my appointment with Teacher T on Friday morning.

I e-mailed Teacher T and told her how I'm feeling and she sent me the e-mail I mentioned above - so completely understanding and accepting and right on the mark.

And I e-mailed my son's nutritionist who we haven't worked with in over a year - she is out of state and is quite renowned. It's usually a 2 month wait for an appointment with her, but she heard how my son is doing and e-mailed me to tell me that she had told her assistant to give ME the first cancellation that comes up.

I asked three people for help and got just what I needed from all three of them. I admitted I was vulnerable and needed help, and I got it.

It's such a bittersweet feeling - to have to be so open and take risks, but to be rewarded with all of that caring.

I just wanted to share this to give a glimmer of hope to everyone here who would rather do ANYTHING than ask for help. I can't even imagine what would have made me ask for help a couple of years ago. I would have sooner cut off my own toe or something.

But! I am discovering the risks are worth it. I don't have to do everything, or be perfect or independent or walled off. What an amazing lesson I've learned from T.

Sending hope and peace to all of us here at PC

[searchingmysoul]

Thank you Earthmama. This post is really helpful to me right now. Similar childhood, very similar learned response. I, at this point, would rather do anything than ask for help.



Thank you again for this.

((((((((((em))))))))))))))),
Missing you!

Hey, Ask and Ye Shall Receive!

T, I would like to see you twice a week.

Let's see how this goes?

Take care of yourself! I love ya'.

[sunrise]

What an inspiring post, earthmama. You asked for what you need and you got it. It sounds so simple, but is so hard. You have learned so very much since starting therapy.

I hope the appointment with the nutritionist will help your son.

[chaotic13]

What I think is so amazing about the "Ask and ye shall receive" concept is when you realize that the Spirit has answered in a way that you would have never imagined...and that what was provided was SOOOOO much better. This week I was looking for support and the people I thought should have provided it...didn't. But the support I did receive came in great abundance from other sources. This support was genuine, came from the heart, and had no strings attached. It was exactly what I needed, when I needed it.

EM I'm glad you seem to have experienced some amazing grace this week too. Now if we can only learn how to tap into this force more often to keep it flowing.

Originally Posted by chaotic13

What I think is so amazing about the "Ask and ye shall receive" concept is when you realize that the Spirit has answered in a way that you would have never imagined...and that what was provided was SOOOOO much better.

[Kiya]

em, all i have are hugs to give, if you want one...
((((((((((((((earthmama))))))))))))))))

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((((((((((( earthmama ))))))))))))))))

[little*rhino]

oh EM.. i never come to read the boards much anymore.. not since changing my name/account.. lost all my posts, my history, the knwoledge that people knew me, just felt safer and warmer

i'm sorry i didn't know that you needed help

we love you here... people love you in your RL world too... you aren't that kid with only a few people to look to for help.. and like you said, no point right? It wasn't YOU see.. that is the point now, it was never you. You understood that intellectually bc we grow to know that the adults are the ones with the supposedly adult brains and power... but we were kids and we internalize that idea that we are the masters of our world, responsible for everything and it is our fault when people don't help or love or care

maybe you just got it on a feeling level that you are worthy of compassion and love and help?

is a shock, yeah? (yeah)

that feeling side never got what your thinking side figured out... the acceptance and everything is filtering down... GOOD!!!!

you deserve every ounce of it

hard to wrap our head around tho

i am so glad that you have your t... so glad there are people in your life who are behaving like most people really do... responding to cries for help instead of whatever dumb-**** response you got from the %$#@! who were "there" when you were little... my T says these are "formative" experiences.. reparenting experiences.

i'm sorry that it makes me mad.. but it does.. i get mad that people, even good kind parents, can be so stupid as to not realize that that little person in their care is learning how the world works based on what those adults are doing... little things, big things.. doesn't matter.. it's the stuff you build who you are with and they are often just CLUELESS about that... even good people. Makes me mad... and sad... for little earthmamma. Want to rescue her... rescue me too... it's ok to cry when you see the love now... is ok.

but... we aren't little now.. and you're right... it's hope... bright light, not darkness. We got people to teach us.

so happy for big earthmamma - love you chicklette