[Simcha]

I'm not quite right--and my T doesn't know the half of it. I have not been my normal self lately, aside from the episode below.

I do not have a history of violence whatsoever, but the other day I really freaked out from something somewhat offensive that my cousin said to me while I was passenger in his car. I immediately felt an uncontrolled rage swelling up. I punched him, and I was just screaming at him to STFU in a tearful fit of rage that was so unlike my normal thoughts and behaviors, that I even scare myself looking back at it. I had anger/rage that I have never seen before or since.

HE WAS DRIVING. Okay, that freaks me out a bit. I didn't care about that.
I almost jumped out of the car in traffic to just escape. I also punched the dashboard and spit on him. I made him let me out of the car once we got into a side road. What my cousin said was very rude toward me, but my reaction was completely uncalled for. It was like it wasn't even me, like I just snapped. I don't know why it happened, but I have been dealing with some depressive symptoms lately due to causes known by my T.

I'm afraid to tell my T. --even though I want to and I will try to at next session (Monday). I'm afraid for a couple of reasons--that he will either downplay the significance of the event(s), or overreact or otherwise form false opinions about it. I have a complicated history, which he knows somewhat.

My T has asked me in two recent past sessions if I had owned a gun (I don't and have no thoughts of harm toward self or others), which I thought was an odd question to ask. I think he asked because my downturn in mood lately--I guess it's been a little more obvious than I thought. My T obviously saw something that I didn't that he was a little concerned about.

This whole thing scares me a little bit. I don't want to freak out on someone else. We could have crashed, and I didn't even care! I didn't sleep last night either (going to bed now though). I don't want to feel bad if my T doesn't respond as if he understands or whatever. I'm sure this is all unfounded as my T usually understands what I tell him.

I don't want to scare my T either.

My cousin is fine by the way.
Advice, thoughts, opinions?

[gimmeice]

(((((((((((((( Simcha ))))))))))))
I agree with you sharing this with your T is a good idea. My advice is to tell him and also let him know about how you feel about his reactions to what you tell him. A few times I have talked about how I didn't like my Ts reaction to something that I am sharing with her, she always takes the time to try to understand where I am coming from. Good luck at your session Monday.

((((((((((((((((((((((((((Simcha))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

I absolutely agree with gimmeice. DEFINITELY tell T.....and if his reaction isn't what you need, tell him that, too. I've had to do that with my T, and he works hard to understand where I'm coming from and what I need. I think your T will do the same thing.

Hang in there

[sunrise]

Simcha, that episode sounds scary. I hope you will tell your therapist. Maybe even call for advice today? I don't think he will downplay the event, as it sounds dangerous and out of character.

I am sorry you have been feeling depressed lately. I don't know if there's a connection, but my H, who was depressed and angry all the time, said his anger became much less worse once he started taking anti-depressants. I'm saying that not because I'm suggesting you start taking ADs, but because I think there can be a direct link between depression and anger, especially in men (I've read women often get sad, men often get mad). So maybe the angry outburst is a signal to you that dealing with feeling depressed is an important priority.

Hope you can have a relaxing weekend.