I want to punch a wall and put a whole through it.

Yeah, I know. Real mature.

My friend and I were talking the other day (her dad died less than two months after mine) and we were saying that we wish we had signs to wear that say "MY DAD JUST DIED" because maybe... just maybe... it would be an outward justification/allowance of the ability to just go act completely out of control.

I have had this feeling before, lots of times, way before my dad died. I just want to DO something that says, "This is how much pain I'm in, and this is how ****ed up I feel, and how ****ed up I really am... So now do something about it." Obviously, I don't feel as though verbalization is enough.

So why don't I punch a hole through the wall? First of all, what wall would I punch? Can you imagine what my husband would do if I punched a wall in our house?? There are these two major parts of me-- there is the part who functions during the day as a therapist/student/whatever. Then there is this part that wants to completely go out of control, but the "day" part of me seems to be stopping that from happened. Please don't say that's a good thing, because the point is that something needs to come out, and I don't know how to get it out there.

I am aware. I know that punching a hole in the wall, or doing some related act of destruction is my way of getting T to "rescue" me and "see how bad it really is" because apparently I do not know how to drive this point home. Why can't I accept that he does, in fact, see how serious it is for me?

And there is part of it that has nothing to do with T. Part of me just wants to stop ****ing holding it together all the time. I'm sick of people telling me, "You're so strong. I could never have worked and gotten through the semester if I had gone through what you went through." Well, you didn't go through what I went through, so you really would know, would you?

I do what I do because life doesn't have to stop for psychological illness. At least mine doesn't have to. I have learned to integrate the way that I am in a way that it makes me who I am. There is no ****ing way I would let any of this stop me from what I want to do. I love what my mentor said to me. She said, "If someone looked at your psychological profile, they would probably ban you from being a therapist-- however, you are damn good at it."

But the above paragraph does not preclude me from just wanting to lose it sometimes. When I say I want to punch a hole in the wall or just go nuts, it's not to throw everything away. Maybe it is just the only way I perceive that I can make the pain visible when everyone sees me "so strong." The thing is, I'm not fragile. I can't stand when people tell me I'm in a "fragile" place right now. I'm not necessarily strong, either. I'm just me. But the fact is, I feel like sometimes what I do (in terms of career, schooling, marriage, whatever) takes away from the perception of how bad it all hurts.

**Mention of SI**

I understand how you feel. I'm working on my Masters in Social Work right now and people think because of that everything in my life is fine and dandy. Hmm, wrong.
I deal with a lot of trauma, have PTSD and MPD. But no one sees that. They see the "professional" that has it all under control. The only place I can take off the costume is in therapy.
I have the same thoughts - I want people to just SEE how much pain I'm in because talking about it doesn't seem to get the point across enough. If I SI people can see my hurt. If I drink, people can see I'm hurting. If I tear up or break something important to me people will see I'm hurting - they'll understand just a little more of how hurt I actually am.
Yeah - I get that. You're tired of being seen as strong when you're so pissed off and hurt inside.
The thing that worked for me is drawing. I draw it out - draw yourself busting the wall - draw the pain. It allows people to actually SEE it. Or be creative. Reconstruct a piece of wall (use a shoe box and punch/cut a hole through) and bring it to T and say THIS is what I want to do because I'm so angry.
I feel for you.

((((pinksoil))))

Yes, you do need to get this anger out so you don't take it out on yourself. I remember once, very early in therapy when T offered me a padded baseball bat and let me smash this padded table.. It was somewhat gratifying, but for me, it was too much and triggered my ptsd.

But I wonder if something like that would be helpful for you?

Can you ask T if he can help you with something like that? Maybe if T can't, you could take some boxing lessons? This energy is stored in your body and you would feel better if you could get it out.

((((Pinksoil))))

I just realized in the title of my post I wrote "whole" instead of "hole." Typo? Maybe. Unconscious slip because of the desire to be whole considering my post was about these different parts of me? Probably.

I'm wondering why it's so important for you to "show" everyone else how much you are hurting. What is it you are trying to get from them knowing this about you? I guess i'm wondering why you can't just sit with it. Verbalize it to your T and others, and then get it out in a healthy way. Run, go kickboxing, scream into a pillow, write..... why are you almost considering to stop functioning (school, work) in order to show people how intense this is for you? I think people generally understand that losing a parent is not an easy thing, at all. No one has been through your specific situation, but why the need for everyone to know?

Pink
I understand a little of how you feel. I feel the same way alot and like you I don't know how to get it out.

After I told my T last week that I am starting to see how much denial I was in as to what happened, she asked me if I wanted to scream. I said no, you'll never see me do that, I don't do that. I think think she thought I said, I don't know how to do that because she said do you want me to help you, I just laughed and said no thanks.

I can't perform in front of her, even when she asks me to pretend I am talking to someone who abused me, I just can't and have no idea why. I have all this crap building up in me, but never release it. She says she wants me to avoid exploding one day by slowly letting it out.

I am trying to figure out how. One friend suggested that I go to the woods some where and just scream as loud as I can, or perhaps bring some eggs along and whip them at the trees. Those sounded like good ideas but then I thought about the woods lol and I certainly wouldn't want to be in them alone, yet, I wouldn't feel comfortable with anyone there either, no luck in that.

I think stormy angels ideas were pretty good. I use to draw in the past, but with school thats been on the back burner. I may have to try it again some day soon, although for me drawing was quite relaxing.

I know its sucks to have to walk around strong when inside you want to fall apart.

Hanging on

I thought the same thing...but was waiting for migraine meds to kick in before I replied so you beat me to it

I understand wanting others to see your pain. I have struggled with this when I have been in dark, dark places inside...but have to keep it together outside because I'm homeschooling, because I'm raising kids, because I have to take care of my mom, because H won't accept me any other way, because, because, because....

The last time I felt that bad, it felt HORRIBLE that I couldn't get anyone to "see" how things were for me. I KNEW T wasn't getting it. I had to persist and persist and persist and honestly, I wasn't satisfied until he suggested the hospital....it was like - he FINALLY gets it, it's that ****ing BAD.

Is this something you can talk to T about? If you feel like he really doesn't get it, can you make him see it? Write it out, draw it, anything??? (besides taking it out on yourself)

Or do you feel like you just need to get the energy out? Teacher T told me that when she feels big rage, she will go out back and break sticks until she feels calmer. I have written and written and written in BIG BLACK CRAYON - and given that to T at times. I know it FEELS like you need someone else to see how you are feeling...but maybe if you can just get some of that feeling OUT somehow, that need will lessen??

((((((((((((((((((((pink)))))))))))))))))))))))) It sucks. I'm sorry.

What would happen if you were able to get some of this emotion out, to show how much you are feeling? Like, what if you and H sit in a room together and you scream about how unfair it is that your dad died, or how sick you are of keeping it all together? I do this in the car sometimes (so no one hears and gets freaked out!). I also throw pottery at a brick wall.

I understand the desire to somehow prove how bad it feels inside. Anything we say just seems insignificant compared to this immense pain inside.

(((((((((((((( pinksoil )))))))))))))))))

I really can understand what you are saying, I have had the thought of making myself a sign a few times. I have visualized myself punching a hole through one of Ts walls and then I think about what the T in the next office would think if my fist suddenly entered their office, I guess it would get the point across but I won't do it. It just seems like nobody can understand how serious it is, oh and I also hate being told how strong I am. I always think that they only say that because they don't see what is going on inside my head. For me it feels like I am holding in so much rage and I need to get it out but I haven't found a healthy way to do it so the end result is I am so full of emotion that my body physically hurts from holding it in.

I think I clearly stated, in my post, my understanding of what I would need to demonstrate why I am hurting. As a therapist and a doctoral student, and the product of a mother who was oblivious to everything, it is not always the easiest task to convey how much pain is going on. It is the very reason why I turn my aggression inward.

Additionally, I am wondering if you have always "sat with" your pain without ever acting out on it? Seems pretty impossible to me. If we could all just "sit with" our pain, we probably wouldn't be in therapy. Because then it would be tolerable, wouldn't it?

I also stated in my post that despite my need to want to lose control, that I would never stop my functioning. Of course it would potentially interrupt things, but I never said I wanted to stop functioning. What I do is way to important to me. I have found what I want to do for the rest of my life.

People don't "generally" understand anything about losing a parent unless they have lost a parent. I did not understand anything about what it felt like to lose a parent until I lost my father who was my hero, my best friend. Addtionally, like you said, everyone has a specific situation, a personal experience. Even others who have lost their fathers cannot understand my personal experience. There are many things to be shared, but no one can understand the personal bond that was loss. I cannot judge you because I don't know anything about you-- maybe you have a lost someone really close to you; maybe not. But what I can say is that when you lose someone who is the person who you were the closest to out of anyone in your entire existence, then yeah-- the hurt is so bad that sometimes you break out into tears in the coffee shop, in class, or at the human resources department at work... and sometimes you just want to let it all go. And you want people to know what the **** is going on so that there is some sort of understanding.

This actually strikes me as hilarious because eggs are positively my most unfavorite food in the world. I literally cannot stand the sight, smell, or taste of them. So if I was to hurl eggs at trees, then it would probably be more against the eggs than at the hurt I'm feeling, lol.

Yes, Stormy did have some good ideas. I am very much a creator-- I do art, photography, writing, etc. But this is a different kind of pain, you know? I'm sure you know what I mean. There are some types of pain that are expressed wonderfully through creation. Then there are the types when you just want to break stuff.

I feel very hurt right now..I wish i could dram it out, but I do not have the tools. I feel humanity is my tool and we are in a play. The play started out sad then got mad, very mad, not at life, not at circumstance, not at illness, yet it was the person who meant the most to me in my emtire exietnce...Mark....hid family....I lost everything when I moved our of 463 and hence named my email after it...went comatose....the nurse sais where is mark, yes, he is married....but is still capable of coming to see you there at general. 463 made me feel alive, loved, it painted the world colors i remember when he said, what you wish for will come true when we went to the bar called the apartment..i loved his wife equally was 'ensconced..' by entire family all 3 kids...our walks...our garden...that first time he put the fan in my room.....there on the floor i lost my virginity to him....we would talk late at night....he was not intelligent yet very manly and loved discussing his kids with him had been so loenly up to thsi point....i draw now...i draw a picture of being a part of family...that is not so oblivious and cold hearter actually has personality...a picture of a acr wreck...blood evcerywhere...the steering wheel wont work...the flashing lights they are not to be trusted not trusted....the body lies motionless....it is of a girl.....that had things done to her....she had her leg sdo she could nor run...or fit in a shoe....she si screaming and cryinfg ansd the words are, "I am just me why do you make a face when you see me that hruts me......."

I am sitting with it now.....sitting and muy eyes see now that I always mattered, ro mark, even to 463 itself....my T picks me up off the floor....it is my popliteal area that is red and swollen...I put on a superman bandaid...I extend this bandaid as an apology I am embarrased want my T to think good of me good of me

Pink

Exactly, I agree its a different kind of pain, thats why drawing for me probably wouldn't work because its typically relaxing for me.

I know what you mean I really do and every day I feel the frustration building more and more. Yet, I don't share it with anyone because thats the way I am, probably not the best defense. Hopefully I can change that some in the future.

I don't know how I will release it. My finals are on monday and I will be going on a cruise with my sister the following monday. I am really looking forward to being in the middle of the ocean away from all the craziness. Not that cruises can't be crazy but I can escape alot of my everyday stresses anyways. AH....I hope it helps.

I realize at some point I am going to have to deal with this issue, right now I am not sure how to do that.

I really hope you and I and whomever else has a similar frustration can find a safe, productive release.

PS....with the eggs you can kill two birds with one stone

hangingon

there are times where i wish i had my own padded room to go into and scream and beat pillows and padded walls and thrash around and throw myself down until i am too tired to move.
but i can't do those things - i don't have my own padded room and if i did those things in the world, i would soon "earn" one of my very own - but not what I want. I don't know how to bring those two selves together; the one holding life together, and the one wanting to get out all the pain, frustration, anger, helplessness, fear....
yeah.

I so get that. I so get that. I am so there.

i was just trying to understand and maybe help you understand yourself. i'm feeling attacked so maybe its best i dont respond to your posts anymore.

People do understand losing a parent is hard. Maybe not exactly how hard, and maybe not everyone is equally empathic.

I understand why you're angry, but I do think it was a bit misdirected toward Krazibean. You didn't really answer the question and I think it is a good one. Why do you need everyone to know?

Again, if you understand the grief of losing a parent (who was your closest companion), as well as anyone that close, the stages of grief become so that you just want to shout out to the world to **** off because you just lost someone. Anger is an obvious part of grief. Grief is not rational, and I think that people have a very hard time understanding that.

"Losing a parent is hard." It sure it is, but that is quite a general statement. But in the context of my post, I was talking about the loss of my father. And if the only word I needed to use to describe this lost was "hard," then I'd be having a pretty easy time right now.

And as far as anger directed towards Krazibean-- sorry about that, but I just didn't understand the whole "sit with your pain" thing, especially judging from Krazibean's previous posts. If we were able to sit with our pain by ourselves, we probably wouldn't need to see therapists.

And again-- the question was answered in my orginal post... just like Stormy related-- I am a doctoral student and a therapist. There is an obvious assumption, by others, that I couldn't be going through so much pain (even precluding my father's death) because of what I choose to do with my life.

Sometimes you just want to say to people, "**** you. I can function beautifully in a professional and academic way, but you have no ****ing idea how much it hurts."

So there's your answer.

My daddy died when I was 19, I was married and had two small children. For their sakes I had to continue to function. I remember how hard it was. I went through the whole funeral and grave side service dry eyed to honor my daddy. That night I couldn’t sleep. I went outside and sat on the curb and cried, howled really. The pain was awful and even the racking sobs couldn’t release or ease it.

Back then I was still very good at dissociation and so I spent a lot of time not exactly there. My DH had lost his mother when he was a preteen and he helped me but it still hurts at times. I have that deep ache in my heart and soul just trying to write this. I couldn’t mourn all time but I would tell myself that I would cry at 10 or talk to DH about it at 11. Setting a time to deal with the pain helped.

I didn’t have a therapist then and so I have done some more grieving with T. Does your T use EMDR? Time doesn’t heal but the distance it gives does help. Eventually it becomes easier. I know about the problem with being able to act as if; it was really hard to get even T to understand that I was in bad shape cos I played ok so well. I did get through to her, and you will too.

Well see there you go. That assumption wasn't obvious to me, and I did read the part about you being a doctoral student and therapist. I would never have thought that and I would be surprised if anyone else did.

If anything, being a doctoral student means you are more likely to be screwed up (and I say that as one myself ).

It sounds to me like you want everyone to know exactly the right words to say or else to not even try. That's up to you I guess. Nobody's trying to diminish your pain by saying "hard" in place of "earth shatteringly awful" or whatever the right word is.

You are right about that-- the more I get to know my cohort, the more I learn how ****ed up they are. And I love them for it.

We have used EMDR in the past for other stuff. Just last week, I mentioned to T that I would be able to go back to 2 sessions per week if that was okay with him. He said that would be fine, but we had to make a deal-- that one session per week has to be EMDR focused. I am eager to start a regular cycle of EMDR. There was a lot of trauma surrounding the shock of my father's death, as well as other issues surrounding it-- and based on my past EMDR experiences, I am confident that it will help me to reprocess some of this.

that is well put - and very accurate. the saying of course is "time heals all wounds" which, having lost my soulmate i can honestly say that that line is b.s. but the distance does help. rather - it creates distance between mourning times and that distance gets longer in between with time. but when it comes up again, the grief is still just as sharp (at least right now at 7 years). I suppose in another 20 years it will be less sharp.

I still wanna punch a wall... but I did finish a very serene poem. It is in Creative Corner, for anyone who wants to see. It deviates greatly from my usual style of writing.

Dalila said something interesting about dissociation that sparked my interest in adding another thought here. Those of us who are good at dissociation--and I think there are quite a few of us--learned to dissociate when we were very young. We dissociated because, as children, we were faced with psychologically overwhelming situations that we did not have the capacity to manage. In these situations our parents failed us. So, we don't develop the coping mechanisms or experience to deal with things and when we are faced with psychologically overwhelming situations as adults we don't know how to manage them. However, the dissociative experience comes in handy and we are able to function in the world seemingly unscathed because we split out the experience and compartmentalize. Then it explodes out in times when we allow it.

I lost both of my parents less than 2 years apart. Neither of them was even 70 when they died. However, I was older and theoretically more able to manage this as a normal occurrence. Unfortunately, I lacked healthy coping mechanisms and fell into a deep depression. My mother died 8 days before my youngest son was born. I used to stand in the shower crying and begging her (from heaven?) to let me go into labor because I couldn't stand it anymore. I felt guilty because I had life within me and she was gone. I also carried intense anger at my MIL (whom I loved) because she was alive and my M wasn't.

The pain is so deep and strong. And I agree with the others...time does not heal, but it gives a teeny bit of perspective and allowed me to soften somewhat.

I guess I am sharing because we all experience our grief differently and there is no right way to express it. YES, I can really understand wanting to shout from the rooftops that you are in pain. It's wanting the world to know that YOUR world is now different, forever.

I'm so sorry for that.