I cannot ever imagine...

chaotic13 · Dec 21, 2008, 11:05 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by earthmama

This is interesting. When I used to be feel little and playful in therapy, T and I would trade seats sometimes just to play. I don't know if he'd ever done it before because as sat on the couch he looked around and said "wow, everything looks different from over here!"

Other people have posted here saying that changing their seat felt like it altered the interaction. Of course I wouldn't know first hand because my butt is still in the seat closest to the door and furthest from my T.

I will say this, I know I joke about this a lot but one of my biggest worries about doing the integration thing last session was that I was going to be asked to change my seat or worse...lie down on the couch. Thank GOD that was not required of me.

sittingatwatersedge · Dec 21, 2008, 11:54 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by chaotic13

sittingatwatersedge,

I like the caterpillar analogy... I just wonder if at the end I'll turn out to be a grey colorless moth.

hey Chaotic13 - a grey moth can fly

Simcha · Dec 22, 2008, 06:09 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by chaotic13

I feel this way in therapy... but luckily I've maintained the illusion of "solid as a rock" image of therapy. The thing is deep down inside I know the unflappable me is a lie. I want to find a representation of me that fits better than either of these versions.

I shared a drawing with my T of me (a representation of me) lying in bed. It was a manikin (android) looking figure. It had the chest plate removed and propped against a wall. The chest plate looked like the one on a CPR manikin. The figure had a whole in the chest with the heart removed and wires disconnected and scattered all around were tools, instruction manuals, and an ACME boxes (I used to like watching the RoadRunner cartoon). The figures head had a portion of the scalp removed showing a computer looking brain also with wires hanging out. I wish I didn't show this drawing to my T, because I would have scanned it and shared it here.
This drawing was very detailed and represented how I feel at the moment. I just feel like a machine that is attempting (and on that day--failing)to repair itself.

The day I showed the image to my T, she asked me...do you think your friends could even imagine this could possibly be you? I said, NO.

Searchingmysoul have faith... you may be feeling like a wreck on the inside, you may even be presenting yourself like that in therapy, but chances are the outside world has no idea what is going on. In my case my friends are not seeing the broken me, they seem to be seeing someone who is slowly evolving and they are responding positively to the changes.

Chaotic, um...your drawings are much more graphic than mine are

I was taught growing up that I am supposed to be stone.
I continually defy that, although I have yet to cry in therapy.
I have cried at home for the same things I discuss in therapy... but I do not allow myself to completely feel these things when I am discussing the issues with my T.

Simcha · Dec 22, 2008, 06:10 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by chaotic13

Other people have posted here saying that changing their seat felt like it altered the interaction. Of course I wouldn't know first hand because my butt is still in the seat closest to the door and furthest from my T.

I will say this, I know I joke about this a lot but one of my biggest worries about doing the integration thing last session was that I was going to be asked to change my seat or worse...lie down on the couch. Thank GOD that was not required of me.

I would freak if my T sat on the couch. The perspective thing when changing chairs definitely has merit.

Yeah I know... I'm a sensitive wuss!

chaotic13 · Dec 22, 2008, 07:02 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Simcha

I would freak if my T sat on the couch.

Ah...yeah, me too. One day while in the waiting room someone came in and sat on the couch I was sitting in. I was like WFT there are 3 other chair to choose from! I got up like I needed a different magazine and sat somewhere else. When stuff like that happens it feels like the air in the room has less O2 and gets immediately warmer. Now that is being a sensative wuss!

peaches100 · Dec 23, 2008, 08:30 AM

. . . that my t would deeply care about me.

. . . going 2 weeks without sending her an email.

. . . feeling ready to terminate.

. . . feeling securely attached with t.

chaotic13 · Dec 23, 2008, 11:02 AM

Peaches... THESE ARE GREAT! Make sure you write them down and tuck the paper away somewhere (maybe pack them away with your holiday decorations). Then next year.. you will find them again and be amazed at how much change took place in 12 months.

I'm having a really rough day today...finances, problems H, kids stircrazy, etc. But when I look at some of the personal changes that have occurred... I feel better. I have hope that inside I'm better and there is hope even when I have trouble imagining that things will ever change. For me, making progress on these... untangibles has made accepting other shortcomings a little bit more bearable.

Edit:... My optimism is kind of making me sick today...but it is helping me..go with the flow.

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