[imapatient]

More drama. I got worse.

Read over a bunch of the records/memos/comments of phone calls about my termination and post- and am devastated. Have read previously, and just again a couple of days ago. From something sunrise wrote, I looked anew at things. God I had no idea how what I did it might have come across.

The way I was treated stripped me of my dignity. Not just termination, but thereafter. There was some minimal conatct via phone and mail. But according to the records she didn't even open some stuff I sent--I had not gone overboard. Being shut out with “my lawyer advises me…” is so hostile. That approach could be hostile—against me, or defensive--to protect her from what she might have done.

It wasn’t just T--she consulted widely. I don't know why they cut me off so abruptly like that, but it would seem if she feared me as too obsessed/stalker-ish, that after knowing me for 13 years that it wouldn't need to be so abrupt. And wouldn't it be counter-productive to tick someone like that off so coldly, absolutely, abruptly? ? If it’s because she/they determined she’d been inappropriate somehow—a reason for inability to remain objective statutorily defined here—would they want to tick me off in that case, too?

I just emailed a friend from grad school across the country. We found out we had the same T--we were in the same dept. and she became a big sister to me. I'm looking for that T. He’s the only safe thing I know in this world to help me right now. I'll fly to see him for a few days if he’ll have me. I'm so bad off. My thoughts are turning very violent. I’m spiraling.

[RiverX]

My heart goes to you.
Its this dehumanisation that makes me afraid of the deep emotional investment that I and others put in to therapy. It takes a person of proper integrity and humanity to be able to handle this responsibly. It is exactly this sort of story that I had a sense could happen.
I think this can be very damaging, its not your fault, you trusted, you got cold shouldered, I have also had that happen to me. Its sort of cultish, puts some theory before the human being they are seeing in front of them.

Just do what you can to detox.

take care of yourself, I do understand the implications of this and how serious.

much healing to you.

riverx

[deliquesce]

(((imapatient)))

you need to contain yourself - stop spiralling. this means, maybe putting those memos away, or giving them to a friend for safe keeping, so that you can stop feeding this spiral and making it go out of control.

go for a walk and clear your head. or go to the movies today and find distraction. anything to make you stop replaying these thoughts over and over again. i will be going to the movies today, so maybe you can join me on the other side of the world?

also, i understand your concerns with your new T. but, as you said, he's also an 'elder' of sorts, and i am sure he would have some useful suggestions on how to help you *right now*. do you think you could give him a call and let him know what's happening?

i am glad you are reaching out to this other T of your friends... i hope that comes through for you ok.

please come back and let us know how you are going.

[ECHOES]

I don't think the length of time she knew you is related to the abruptness. I think the abruptness was about what was happening at that moment.

What is it you hope for in focusing on this? I don't mean that to sound harsh, I can't find better words for my curious and non-judgemental question.

[imapatient]

Thoughts of self-harm have subsided.

What I want is to get closure after 4 years of keeping it bound up inside. Was overcome with feelings and thoughts re: my thoughts of harming self. Realized I need help about 3 weeks ago. That's it. I'm trying to deal with something I didn't previously. Lacking solid support base for now, I'm posting here, and seeking T help.

Logic isn’t always the end-all and be-all, much as I wish it were. Emotions are a different dimension.

[ECHOES]

I understand that. It is very hard when something like that happens and you don't have access to the person after the separation.
I wish you a successful and peaceful journey friend.

[phoenix7]

sometmes we dont get closure and that is hard to deal with - sometimes we dont get answers and thta is hard to deal with - can your new T help you with these feelings - I think puttng the paperwork away would be a good idea for now - i wish you luck getting hold of the other T - take care P7