Freak out.. (can't do this..again) maybe triggers? so please be careful

so here we are again..playing the endless T game.
I know I have posted here a thousand different times, about going to a T and blah blah blah..well look another one by me the failure..

so here we go round 473927498374982734987329 in the Sparrow and T game..

I am going back, to the first lady, don't ask me why, I don't know myself, I just found myself thinking of her during the last T disaster, and remembering that I felt safe in her office, and I was getting somewhere with her, slowly but surely, she is just going to have to understand that slow is the name of the game

I am severaly freaking out..to the point of physical issues, like stomach aches, muscle spasms, and headaches..I can't sleep, I can barely eat..

I just looked at my calender and saw that it is this tuesday..THIS TUESDAY *panics and hyperventilates*

I can't do this, I am going to fail, fail fail, just like everything else, everything else, can't do this, can't speak, cna't can't can't can't

going to just explode with anxeity, just going to go BOOM!!!!

spountaeous compostion, right there in my car in the parking lot, just going to explode...at least I'll make the news...and T's office is close to a funeral home..can you die from going to therapy???? I think I may be the first one to do so...they can mark cause of death as extreme anxiety related to stress of therapy..

now I am just rambling...freaking..I don't know..gaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh!!!!!!

eerrrrmm ?? sparrow >> is this a test at college you talking about ?

Silvesparrow, take a breath I am glad that you are going to go to a place you think of as safe - that must mean you trust the T there? If so you can trust T to help you through this - are you able to ring them?

We all make mistakes, we all fall, its not how many times you fall its how many times you get up that counts and you can get up

I am sorry you are going through this - I am sending all the I can find your way I wish I could do more P7

No, but you can FEEL like you are going to!

I remember a few times when I just had to SCREAM in my car driving to therapy to let some of the tension out (to avoid spontaneous combustion). It helped a little tiny bit.

It's scary!!!!! But it is good that you are trying again. I think what you said is very wise....going SLOW is the key. One thing I have definitely learned in therapy is that this stuff takes time, and that sometimes all I can really deal with is one or two sentences about the past. AND THAT IS OKAY.

Hang in there....you can do this.

Hugs and extra support from Angel!

((((((((((((((((((( silversparrow )))))))))))))))))

Sending you lots of hugs.

There have been a couple of times when I thought I would be annihilated in therapy. That I would cease to exist or disappear forever if certain things came out, if certain things were said. Or I would be changed forever in some awful way, and lose my true self and become something I did not want to be. The thought of all that was terrifying, like I really would physically die, and I had all the symptoms of extreme fear, anxiety. So, I understand.

It is all so very, very real. But you have the described the alternative, which is not to go, and you are hardly getting by, hardly surviving. I think you are being very brave to go back to therapy.

This is very positive to me, that you clearly know what you need and what will not work for you. I think it is very important that you share this with your T right at the beginning of therapy. Therapists love to get some direction and guidance from the client and know what works and doesn't work for them. It will be so helpful if you can tell your T this.

Good luck.

(((((((((((((((silversparrow))))))))))))))

I can't think of something that will put your heart at ease.

You are not alone though...I have been through these same thoughts just recently in T.

Huge hug and take care of yourself.

~Searching

Silver, what do you mean fail like everything else? You have done a superb job taking care of yourself and figuring out all of the things that have been going on. Just keep up the good work and you will do well. Remember to stay empowered while with the therapist and if she is pushing you too fast, speak up for your needs..........

Thank ya'll, so much for the support, just freaking...

not feeling very confident, I am not good at sticking with therapy at all, I get scared and I run, or a I clam up....what is going to make this time diffrent? I know what I need to do to get to a better place, getting there and applying those things are totally diffrent things, and I am quite the faliure at applying things..

I think about it and I go beserke, although I have been eating today, so I guess that is good, I don't know, I took down my calender, so it wouldn't be staring me in the face everyday when I woke up, which it makes me anxious to not have my calender up(I have time obession and I confuse days alot because of time loss), but makes me more anxious to see tuesday circled in ink and with big bold wirting T APPT @ 1pm.

*sighs* I don't think I can do this...are you sure I can't die from a T appointment? I think I am close to spontenous combustion, maybe I should carry a bucket of water with me tuesday, incase I do explode. Is it to late to cancel? I mean, I am just wasitn my time, and the T's time, I know I am not going to stick with it, but ohh fiddlesticks, here I am being a pesimest, again..FIDDLESTICKS!!!!!!!!!

Just give it a try Silver?

Silversparrow, you can get through this leading up to Ton Tues may be ..... oh i have no words AAAARRRRGGGGHHHH ! making - but what if T can help you out of this mess - you dont want to miss that opportunity - you are strong, you are hanging in there and tuesday will come and you will see T - and look back at this and maybe say I dont know why i was so worried. I hope so..

Meantime I am sending you all the I can find - hang in there P7

Calming down a bit, for now anyways, thank ya'll so much, your support and hugs bring me to tears, it is so wonderful to have so many caring people.

I am trying to calm down, my two closest friends irl, have helped alot, they said that they would met me up there and we would go for coffee together afterwards, and that they understood I was nervous but I was doing the right thing.

just hard, to return from what I ran from, and what I have been running from my whole life....

You can feel this *and* still go Tuesday.
In the meantime, maybe you could recall again the feeling of being safe there?

I know when I feel the most at risk for exploding it is when I set a firm agenda item or told myself...YOU WILL TALK ABOUT THIS IN THE SESSION! In my case it was ME who was pushing myself into an anxiety attack. Either I was being impatient or incredibly hard on myself about doing something that I thought was important to do in that session. Usually, when I do this to myself the session is INCREDIBLY difficult. Lately, I've been trying to make a point of NOT doing this to myself. Now I put things into a folder as POSSIBLE shares and then allow myself to decide in the session what I want to share and not share. This seems to take the pressure off me as I the session approaches.

Silver.. maybe you can try not to have specific expectation for your session this week. Maybe just assume...that everything that happens is supposed to happen. If you clam-up, assume that there is a productive reason for that. Like maybe it will give your T important information that she needs to help you not clam up in the future. Or maybe your clamming up will help YOU (Tuesday night after your session) figure something out about what's going on.

I've been in the internal combustion boat before... it wasn't working for me...this newer approach at the very least has less collateral impact on the people around me.

you can do this silversparrow, its hard but you CAN do this P7

Awwww, how wonderful! You have very supportive friends!

You can do this, Silver.

You know, it's *okay* to take it slowly, and even to stop and start if necessary. When I first started T when I was 18, I went for a bit, got too freaked out, stopped for a year or so, went back, stopped again... Then I found a T I stayed with for 8 years, stopped for 10 years, and now I'm going back again. The process is what the process is. It's all good, and all steps to where we want to get to in the end.

You can't possibly 'fail' anything with T. It isn't a course to pass. It's a journey you take with another human being there to support you along the way. Sometimes it's best to stop the journey and rest for a while. Sometimes we fly ahead in leaps and bounds. Other times there are obstacles in the way and it's really hard to find a way around them.

I know it's scary for you, but I think it's really awesome that you are choosing to journey again with this T who has travelled a little with you before. You can do it.

How did it go Silver?

She will. ((((((((( silversparrow ))))))))

thanks for a great idea. As my 4 wks draws to a close, and session looms on the horizon, i thought I would welcome it but feel like running away. this folder will help me get rational about it (I hope!)