...and I eat cookies, too!

Yesterday when I was on the phone with T, I was going down my list of destructive behaviors/thoughts that I have been using as an attempt to rid myself of emotional pain, and empty feelings.

I said to T, "I just can't sit with the feelings, so I might drink a bit immediately after I take my meds, I might self-injure, perhaps I will only allow myself a couple of hours of sleep per night, maybe I will take more Klonopin than necessary, I might have thoughts of suicide, and I eat cookies everyday for lunch."

Then I just stopped, and I said to T, "I can't believe I just said that. I can't believe I included cookies in with that group."

But now that I think about it, it's not all that strange. It is just one of many things that is contributing to my body being completely off-balance. As much as I loathe the term "self-care," I would have to say that self-injuring, as well as a diet comprised of cookies and coffee (especially because I have irritable bowel syndrome) would both be considered neglect of self-care... and both actions are creating imbalance.

I can't seem to even begin to balance myself. T talked about just "being." It is a gray area; one that I am seriously afraid of navigating. I see only two options, with one solution. The options are: feel intolerable emotional pain, or feel nothing. My solution? Engage in a destructive behavior in order to feel nothing. Apparently, there is this state of being, in which you can be in this place where you are sitting with the feelings, tolerating them. Funny thing is, I know I have been in this place before. I have been there, sitting in nature, feeling my dad all around me. I have been there while doing EMDR with T. I have been there while listening to the Bellaruth guided imagery, and having my father come to me in my mind to protect me. But for some reason, as I wrote to T in an email last night, I am extremely frightened of going back to these places-- and I find it easier to feel the shot of intolerable pain, followed by whatever attempt I make to obliterate it.

And I eat cookies, too. I never eat breakfast, I never eat lunch. I just eat cookies at work, drink lots of coffee, and then have something else to eat later in the night. I eat cookies.

Pinksoil, I think the things we eat can be very self destructive. I don't cut but I certainly abuse my mind and body when unbalanced. When things start to spin out of balance one of the external indicators for me is eating and my weight. I'm not a freak about my weight at the moment but when the scale creeps up 5 lbs or more I know I'm having problems, whether I've conscientiously acknowledged it yet or not. Fore example being home with H for the past 3 weeks has sent me off balance and I can see it on the scale (and feel it in my core--tonight). Tomorrow the kids are back in school and I am going to reclaim my mental balance.

I think it is great that you see the things you do and that you can tell your T about them so easily. I've also experience the Presence that you described intermittently, but for some reason I can't seem to get back there at the moment. For me it is not out of fear, its because I am just adrift and have lost my way.

Hey Pink... just wondering if there is a kind of paradox here... What I mean is... we all know how people are less able to tolerate pretty much anything when they are rundown, not eating well, not sleeping, and not in a 'healthy' place in a whole range of other ways. When we come up against tough stuff when in that kind of place it is *much* harder to cope with it. I think of the kids in my preschool... when they are tired or hungry or whatever and come up against a conflict, they completely lose the plot. Can't cope with it at all. Us adults may not throw all-out tantrums like they do, but the basic premise is the same - when we don't take care of ourselves, even minor problems are difficult to tackle, let alone major crises and deep emotional pain.

When reading your post I couldn't help but wonder if these 'numbing behaviors' not only serve to stop you feeling the pain in the moment, but keep you rundown and trapped in a space where you are *unable* to even to begin to face it.

These cookies... ... full of fat, sugar and empty calories... they cannot possibly nurture you with the strength and internal support required to feel the reality of your pain / your truth / your life.

AHAAAA!!!!!!!

I've finally figured out your REAL identity!

MUHAHAHAHAHAHA!

THE
COOKIE
MONSTER!!!!!!

The Cookie Monster?

I can't get my computer to post the pictures I have. So, folks, here is a description:

1) Cookie Monster with Cookie (Says C is for Cookie)
2) Cookie Monster with Fruit in from of him (Says, "WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT ME TO DO WITH THIS STUFF?")

They're adorable, aren't they, lol?

This is me at work:

Luce, thank you for that insight. Not taking care of myself in the more basic ways (in regards to eating and sleeping) could very well be a self-fulfilling prophecy for me-- an unconscious attempt to make things even harder to deal with, perpetuating more serious destructive behavior (cutting, meds+alcohol), resulting in not having to deal with anything because I have made it "too hard."

Thank you for that. It makes me see how ****ed up I really am. No, I'm just joking... I had never thought of it in the way you explained it, so now I'm thinking a lot about this in terms of the cycle I have fallen into.

Thank you.

what kind of cookies do you eat? if they are chocolate chip then it is probably ok.

Nooo I eat these stupid butter cookies that one of my coworkers gave me for the holidays. They aren't chocolate chip, so it's not okay!!!!!!! haha

hmm. butter cookies are probably okay too. you reminded me how much i LOVE COOKIES. i brought two bags of pepperridge farm chocolate chunk milk chocolate macademia cookies today. they are pretty good. wonder how long they will last me...

I'm finally able to post a picture:
http://img159.imageshack.us/my.php?i...onster1gz7.png