Attachment

I am still trying to figure out what my relationship REALLY was like between my mother and I. I do not remember confiding in my mother about anything.I don't remember curling up in her lap, running to her for comfort, enjoying lunch or a good movie together. She was not abusive, in fact very soft spoken. She was supportive of my activities.

I don't know ..I see how much my children interact with me and seek my comfort and guidence...I don't know.

I don't know how this relationship has affected my interaction with my T.

I am still trying to figure out what my relationship REALLY was like between my mother and I. I do not remember confiding in my mother about anything.I don't remember curling up in her lap, running to her for comfort, enjoying lunch or a good movie together. She was not abusive, in fact very soft spoken. She was supportive of my activities.

I don't know ..I see how much my children interact with me and seek my comfort and guidence...I don't know.

I don't know how this relationship has affected my interaction with my T.

I was talking to my T about the things I did when I was really really little - like 3. I used to get out of bed every night after my parents put me to bed and lay on the floor so they would think I had fallen out of bed and would pick me up and put me back. I stopped walking completely when I was 3 also - said I couldn't walk, my legs didn't work (I don't remember this, but my mom told me) - so I had to be carried and stuff. T said I obviously had some big needs for affection and caring that weren't being met.

I also realized suddenly one day when I was three that I could read. I don't know how I learned - just picked up a book and started reading. Up went the walls, and I spent the rest of my LIFE escaping into books. Yay for books.

Anyhow, I was obviously really trying to attach to my parents, but like T said, that's like trying to attach to jello - there wasn't anything to grab on to...

It takes a bit of practice to look at these very emotional experiences from an observer's perspective. It might help to take one memory, and write it out for the first person. Then re-write it, changing it to the third-person perspective.

If your memories as a child are not strong enough, pick another memory from later in your life. Just remember that no matter how old you were in the memory, that child should be approached with unconditional love.

Fascinating question!
In a word, yes. It took a looooong time to develop trust in T. I was terrified for months that T would take what I told him and somehow use it against me (very common occurrence with my mother). I hesitate to call when I need help if it is not a screaming emergency because I was not taught that my needs were important. I thought there was something wrong with me for feeling bad after a very traumatic experience. T finally told me -- 'you've been through hell, give yourself a break'. (My mother loves diagnosing other people's problems, but is not so strong in the compassion department.)

As painful as it is, in a way it gives me hope. No, my mother was not ideal, but because of her I know what sorts of behaviors are *not* healthy. I know that I have a choice, and I choose to embrace a loving approach to life instead of a judgmental approach.

In my brighter moments I am starting to feel compassion for her -- knowing that she must not have had an ideal mother either. This is my chance to really embrace my own power and break the cycle once and for all.

Much compassion and love for you MissC. This stuff is not easy, but it really can make a huge positive change in your life.

MissC,
I read, "Attachment in Psychotherapy" by Dr. David Wallin (I think that's right?). It was one of the best books I've ever read! It explains attachment styles from infancy and incorporates all of the information into how the author, a Psychotherapist himself, utilizes it in his practice. I give it a two thumbs up!!! It is pretty expensive, though.
Be well.

(((((((MissCharlotte)))))))

This is my situation too. It becomes hard to believe people will not use things against me when I had to be so guarded as a child. I learned not to share anything with anyone that was important to me because it could be taken and twisted and used against me, held over my head. Like I knew when I was a kid not to tell my mom that I really wanted to go to friend's house for a birthday party, or to go roller skating, or whatever, because if she knew I wanted to do something, she would make sure that as the time rolled around, at the last minute I wouldn't be allowed to go on some trumped up excuse. This was just painful to always have this happen, to have things yanked away, that I learned not to tell anyone anything I wanted to avoid that pain.

I too have reached this point. I really think my mom did the best she could. She was severely abused as a child and just did not know how to give love and for some reason, seemed to get pleasure out of hurting her kids. I just don't feel she was capable of anything else and I do feel sorry for her and her unhappy life.

I have a question for people: do you think most of your T's clients are attached to him or her? It seems like many people here are attached to their therapists. (Are we a representative sample?) Is attachment common, happen about 50% of the time, or what? Is the % of clients attached to a T a measure of his/her effectiveness/skill/talent?

I was not attached to my first T and it would surprise me to learn any of her clients were. Does a T either have "it" (ability to get clients to attach) or he/she doesn't?

I would say we are definitely not a representative sample simply because we are in this forum. I know that what attracted me to this forum was that I was about one-year into my (already intense) relationship with my T. So it was my experience in therapy that drew me here. I am sure the simple fact that someone would take the time to post on a psychotherapy forum would be because they have an intense therapy relationship, and are interested in further processing/learning about therapy experiences.

That's actually why I thought we might not be a representative sample of the client population. I was thinking the people here on PC might be more interested in posting because they are more intensely attached to their therapist and seek to understand it, share with others in the same boat, etc. That's initially why I came to PC, because I was in the midst of the intense attachment phase to my T and I thought I must be highly abnormal and wanted to try to figure out what was the matter. When I was with my first T, I experienced no attachment at all, and had no desire to seek out online forums on psychotherapy. So I was thinking maybe there are a higher proportion of strongly attached clients here on PC than in the general client population. Just a hypothesis....

Hahahaa, that's exactly what I thought, too-- but I forgot to add the word "not." I'm going back into my post to edit it now, lol.

((spottedowl)) ((sunny)) ((earthmama)) ((soliaree)) ((chaotic)) ((pinksoil))

Thanks. My relationship with my mother wasn't much when I was a child. I lived in a chaotic household. As an adult I "found" her by taking care of her, and she was then a great help to me with my own children. Maybe it was her way of making up for lost time? Don't know but in many ways at that time I was the mother. My mother was not abusive but my grandmother was and my mother left me in her care knowing this. My mother was extremely neglectful.
My mother was just absent from my life, and I think I became accustomed to just taking care of myself from a very early age; including living in a fantasy world, and (like EM) reading.

My relationship with T is stormy. I have a very difficult time trusting him and when I am in his presence sometimes it is so intense. I think this might be because I am not accustomed to being taken care of nor do I know how to interact on a truly intimate/personal level. It feels weird to me to let someone take care of me but that is the longing.

I also was very much my mother's caretaker, and like you, I think this is played out in my relationship with T. No wonder I feel anxious about needing him--I'm so used to being the one who is needed. I've never exactly done this before, been the more vulnerable person in a relationship. It feels incredibly dangerous. It's confusing ground.

MissCharlotte, remind me which book that was?

The last 2 books I wanted, I didn't get at the time, but I do want them.

Okay, went to Amazon to look and I found it:
http://www.amazon.com/Another-Chance...1625485&sr=1-1

I am definitely going to get this. Thank you for reminding me about it!

..oh, and here's the other one. hmmm...decisions, decisions...
http://www.amazon.com/Attachment-Psy...d_bxgy_b_img_b

MC....I think this book might be able to provide some of the anwers you are looking for. The beginning is a bit tidious, too much theory. But once you get past the first few chapters, everything begins to fall into place until you find yourself in the book.

Becoming Attached: First Relationships and How They Shape Our Capacity to Love

by Robert Karen

lol. cocnut.. I looked it up on Amazon and the cover is a pic of a kid being thrown in the air, and there are arms below to catch her/him. Yikes!!

But really, thanks for another great book idea.

Responding to Pinksoil's and sunrise's comments, I also don't think we are a represenative sample of the therapy going population. In my case, I don't think I migrated here because I had an intense attachment to my T.I started with another depression forum that I found while reading a book. I was lost and trying to help myself. I think I found this site after I had attended my first therapy session. I was very fearful of therapy and needed to see if my experiences with it were similar to others.

I was feeling totally clueless and inept. I needed a place to gain information so I could determine if my T was doing what T's are supposed to do. I don't think I would have stayed or attached at all to my T is I hadn't been exposed to the info provided here.

As for the mother experiences...I still don't know what to make of my life experiences.

Echoes LOL (((((((((((()))))))))))))))

Maybe that's why I'm so screwed up, whenever I was thrown into the air, there was never anyone there to catch me. There, I solved the mystery behind attachment theory once and for all. Coconutfreud.

Too funny!

heavens, no. I was just wandering in WWW and came across this site - and stumbled into a community of very caring people. A blessing for me!!!!!!!

LOl I migrated here in search for Therapy answers because it was all so new to me. I wanted to know if I was making the right choice and I certainly wanted to know what to expect of the therapy session.

Attachment lol.....what's that ....was not even thinking about that when I came here.

this could turn into an interesting discussion of itself - why/how did you stumble across PC?

myself - i had just terminated with my T, pdoc was on leave, online group i used to find supportive had shut down, friends did not get what i was going through - i needed support from somewhere because i had just embarked upon another long period of depression. it was definitely a bonus that this place had a psychotherapy forum. i have made myself at home here.

Thanks Echoes, I think the book I was referring to was the one about Attachment in Psychotherapy but at this point I am also intrigued by Coconut's choice. I think our relationship(s) with our primary caregivers -- mothers (and others) is the role we fall back into with T. The goal is to form a different kind of attachment--an adult attachment (sort of, but with T in a quasi-parental role). I guess the extent to which we fall into that old position depends on how integrated (or not) we are. Today, I told T that sometimes I feel like unintegrated was better (as if these other parts of me were not always there!!!).

Because I don't have all that much memory I think if I read the book Coconut suggested I might be able to understand through my feelings -- what kind of relationship I had (or didn't have) with my mom. Ugh--it's quite painful right now to think about this.

Today I had a session to make up for the 15 minute fiasco of the other day. T was so generous in offering this to me, making me feel so secure, and safe, and wanted. I was mostly an adult in therapy but it's not often enough I am in that space. We talked a bit about attachment and more about how hard it is for me to see my way out of my child self and what turmoil I am in at times. It was an extremely connected session. He looked sad when I talked about cutting.

I feel like therapy is a spiral and I have been swirling and swirling down down down and I just landed with a thud on a landing somewhere in the middle of this thing.

((( MissCharlotte )))

It can be releiving to finally land and have that swirling end

The second book you listed sounds really good to me, ECHOES. I'm going to see if my library has it.

I don't know about that with me and my T. I have a great relationship with him but had a horrible one with my mom when I was growing up. However, T interpreted very early on in my therapy that a large part of what was holding me stuck in the marriage and awful relationship with my husband was my past problems with my mother. I think he told me this at my very first session with him. It just all rang so true and he told me he could help me with that, so I totally glommed onto him since I had been so stuck with my first therapist, who never once mentioned my mother. (It is weird how different therapists see such different things in a person and their problems. My first T thought my problem was depression and that I needed to sleep and exercise more--how was that going to solve my marriage problem? My current T treated me immediated for PTSD and we worked on our relationship and getting to the core reasons why I couldn't get a divorce.) Anyway, the relationship I have with T is great and not like the one I had with my mother or my husband, although I guess there are some ripples. T has said I seek out people in my relationships who will treat me like my mother did (give me no love, etc.) in an unconscious effort to master the problem and fix what happened in my childhood. That is how I came to be with my H. Now that I am conquering this pattern and leaving my H, T said I will be done with this pattern once and for all. I have not repeated the pattern in my relationship with T because HE is different. He gives me love and care, unlike the others. Now that I know how that feels (I didn't know this is how it is supposed to be! I thought the way those other people treated me was normal!), I am never going to settle for the negatives of my old pattern. I don't know about the integrated part of the theory, MissC, as I have quite a few parts and ego states. I have worked in therapy to help give some of them what they need, to rescue them and love them. It's like I practice having a healthy relationship with T, and then I go out into the world and try to have better relationships and I also go inside myself and try to improve the relationship with my parts. Everything comes down to relationships!

MissC, I'm glad you got an extra session with T to make up for the short one. It's so wonderful to feel wanted. How do you feel when he looks so sad?

I don't see my relationship with my T as being like the one I had with my mother.

The more I look at my relationships the more I realize how I have recreated my childhood home. I've become my mother. Seems like every session leaves me asking myself, "WTF am I doing?" I hope at some point I can get to the core of the reason why I continue to torture myself by staying in my current relationship. I can't seem to leave, or demand changes that would make it more tolerable.

Maybe by learning how to collborate and have a healthy relationship with my T, I can build these secure relationships with others and gain the strength to either change or shed my unhealthy connection with H. Maybe I'm hoping that my T can show me what my mother couldn't...how I can care for my kids AND have a meaningful, fullfilling relationship with a man who can share power not drain it.