Ugh!

Does someone want to help me work through this? I can't figure out what my problem is...

I saw T today. I went in ready to talk about one thing, but we ended up spending the ENTIRE SESSION (which flew by) talking about the fact that Teacher T e-mailed him and asked to consult and they are trying to figure out a time to SET UP A MEETING. ABOUT ME.

Wow, all of my walls are up and I am PISSED. At T! Why? It wasn't even his idea. We talked about all of my fears around it, but I just can't quite get to it - nothing "feels" right.

When I was little, there was a lot of "if you tell, I'll kill you" so I don't know if it's just fear - that I "told" and now people are talking about it...

There's this feeling of "I'm SO CRAZY that two therapists have to have a meeting to figure me out " (T says "you're just unique and complex"! whatever)

There is a fear that somehow Teacher T will change my relationship with T- that THEY will be on a "team" and I'll be left out.

There is this feeling like I am "Client X" and he needs to tell her that "Therapeutic Technique A" works much better with me than "Therapeutic Technique B"...which makes the "relationship" feel completely unreal (another one of my fears).

I don't know. I told him when I left I don't feel connected to him AT ALL (I don't) and that I'm angry and I actually slammed the door when I left.

We hugged at the end of session, even though I told him I'd rather hit him. I want that hug back.

SO. The walls are up and I want to quit chi gong, quit teacher T, quit T, and just go back into my own isolated world I was in before I started therapy.

I did think about revoking the consent I signed last fall for them to consult...but that didn't feel right either.

All of this feels like it's "part" of what's wrong, but I can't get to the core of it, you know?

T leaves a message for me after every appt (I call and tell him what I need) and I didn't call today. I don't WANT a message. I don't know if I want to go to therapy on Monday - or ever again.

Anyone? ANY idea what is going on?

I'm listening from inside my little fortress here....

Me again, replying to my own post. Well, adding to it.

When I am angry (or am I scared? or disconnected? or all?) I totally, TOTALLY want to get into all of my self-destructive behaviors. They are all calling to me LOUDLY. Why? Who am I punishing? Me? T? God, it's so hard to resist.

I'm trying to stay distracted and busy, but I feel like I don't have T or Teacher T right now, and it just feels like BLAH.

(the sane part of me gets that I have T AND Teacher T and they are looking out for my well-being...so what is my deal!?!?!?!?! )

Seriously, HELP!

((((((((((((((((EM)))))))))))))))))))

I'm having a tough day too. So I wanted you to know that someone read your post.

Sorry that you had such a vexing session, EM

I wish I could offer more help. FWIW, for me, these would be the hardest parts of what you describe:

I could imagine that I would feel their "teaming up" would threaten the balance of power and my relationship with each of them. And, I've learned, that anything that makes me question the soundness, reliability, realness, etc. of my relationship with my T generally leads to some kind of strong, upset reaction on my part. So maybe there's a way to frame it (as it sounds like you've already intellectually tried to do) so that their meeting doesn't threaten that? Maybe you can ask your T for reassurance on that point? I don't know. Honestly, I think it would bother me too (it did in fact bother me when my T told me she had a consultant that she talked about me to). Hang in there.

EM, maybe what your mind is struggling with is that...at least by what you posted. They are planning to meet regardless of what you want. I don't know. When I go into lock down, what seems to bring me back it the knowledge that I am the one in control. If you told your T...I would really rather you did not meet with Teacher T at this time. Would he accept this? Maybe just re- affirming that you are in control would quiet your fears enough to then be able to taken/process all the caring both have provided. Maybe in a few days, you won't feel as afraid and can call your T and tell them that it is OK if they consult with each other. For me my fear would be elevated if I was not given the final say on if they meet. Once I knew they would repect my wishes, I would likely work myself into allowing them to meet.

I did tell T that I might revoke my consent - and he said I could do that - so in some ways, I AM allowing them to meet. I am SO CONFUSED. Seriously. I don't even know what I think. I'm not even sure what I feel.

I think mainly I feel disconnected with T for some reason, and that is the thing that is sure to send me into a giant, self-destructive, spiraly mess.

I totally get this, too. For me, it's a combo. A little, immature part of me might want to punish T a little bit (I know she wants me to do one thing/be healthy/etc., so to get her back, I might want to do the opposite, just to hurt her back). I've never acted on it, but I do feel it a little bit sometimes.

The harder part for me is the part that wants to punish myself. Like fine, I have no one I can count on, and I need to stop being pathetic by wanting them when they don't really care about me anyway. And that helps me stop.

I don't have too many answers here, but I think the fact that you have enough insight to be asking the questions (rather than immediately acting), shows your strength and desire to grow and find a positive path. It's a good sign.

((((((((((((( e m ))))))))))))))

ouch, I am sharing your distress but I am so new at this whole scene and I have no useful advice to give you.

about this

you may be upset but you're spunky! please take care of yourself, I may not be able to get on list this weekend but you need to be good to yourself.
big hugs

((((EM))) honestly again only looking at what you posted. It sounds like you know your Ts have your best interests at
heart. The history you have with THEM is telling you TRUST THEM. But another part of you is crying out danger. (((EM)))
I think you should... trust them.

PS... You know I don't make that statement lightly.

Ok i know how you feel. I have two T's and I hate that they talk about me. Actually I used to hate it. I have a very different relationship with each one and didnt want one or the other making that change. We used to have them when I was with them and I stopped that way to uncomfortroble. What i can say is that as time goes by it feels better, what you can do is tell them that what each of them are doing helps you in a different way and you would like it to stay the same. Nothing has ever changed after they meet they just talk. Its really ok. I also think you may be afraid that people can change quicky and you have no control over it and you ar trying. I think you should email both of them and tell that you are feeling this way. I would bet they would say oh no thats not what we wanted to do. Tell them what your fears are. Ask them what are they going to discuss. Or just tell them your not ready. I can tell you from experience that it isnt that big of a deal after wards. However that it is causing you distress then I would tll them both. Oh and when you said thy are a team and you are not a part of it thats not true there is no team with out you. My t's say that I am the most important part of the team. TALK TO THEM getting angry is an old defense thingy talk to thm tell them what scares you and I bet you they will help.

((((earthmama))))

How frustrating! The idea of my T talking with anyone else about me would definitely stir up a lot of emotion.

I had an idea -- reading this post, and some of your other posts. Maybe Teacher T is the one who really needs some help? Maybe she reached out to your T because SHE needs guidance on how best to help you?

The saddest part is that you wanted to talk about something else, and because Teacher T is wanting a meeting, YOUR session was taken over by it. I'm so sorry.

My thoughts are with you!

I'm in the dreads, but know that I am thinking of you.

It sounds like you are in a very very young place, and it also sounds like the combo of Teacher T and T are like a parental unit--like the parents are trying to find time to get together to talk about the child.

I'm sorry you are hurting right now.

((((((((earthmama))))))))

Wow. This pretty much hits the nail on the head.

I do think this is the case. But I don't want her muddying up my relationship with T. It makes me so sad, and angry, and scared, and frustrated that right when I was feeling so, so, SO safe with T, this has come up. It has completely pulled the rug out from under me.

I did e-mail Teacher T and asked her if maybe she and I could meet to try to work out whatever needs to be worked out, before we involve T. I really want to work with her, but we're definitely kind of "missing" on the whole connection thing. I seriously think it's some kind of countertransference reaction or something....I can't put my finger on it.

I FEEL like I'll never feel as safe with T now, but I hope that's just me and my mood right now. It's such a scary feeling.

And you're right, Spotted Owl, I basically didn't get the session I needed, because it was ALL taken up by this. I pointed that out to T at the end, and maybe that's part of why I'm so angry.

And you're right too, Miss C - I think a lot of this is coming from a young place.

Just....YUCK. Argh. Blah.

((( EM )))

This happened to me recently. T wanted to talk to P-doc because of the fragile state I was in dealing with my mother's illness etc. T asked me if it would be okay.

When I saw P-doc she also asked if it was okay before she committed to T because she wanted to make sure I had no problem with it.

T wanted to make sure we were all on the same page heading into what she knew would be a difficult time for me.

By asking/involving me, I took it to mean they had my best interest at heart.

Maybe it was the way in which your T's handled it?

I think I would've been pissed too if they just "announced" that they were going to do it. I'd feel like I was being dificult or "in trouble" and it was a teacher parent conference.

If they asked you would that have made a difference?

I think so. I only know about it because through some kind of intuition or something, I just KNEW it was going to happen.... So I asked T about it, and yep, it's happening. No one told me or asked me.

I e-mailed Teacher T and asked her about it and she basically said "when you signed the waiver for us to consult I told T I would update him after our first meditation class was over and it's over so we are finally meeting next week". She has a way of turning everything around and making it seem like I am just being insane about anything I bring up. Which I probably AM....but somehow it's not helpful.

I don't know. In some ways Teacher T has helped so much, but in another way, she's making me feel like the World's Biggest Loser.

((((earthmama))) You need to know, and hear it from your T directly, that your T always has YOUR best interest in mind.

Just because you are allowing your teacher T to discuss some things with your T, that doesn't mean that your T is going to share everything he knows about you with her. Ok? T will be very discreet, I'm sure.

Perhaps if you can discuss this and work through whatever questions teacher T has, that would be best, keeping your safety with T protected.

It could be just that your teacher T wants to know how much extra support (time, explanation whatever) you may need to excel, and nothing about your actual personal issues.

Hi Em

I think its that lack of control thing we all have and the fear that Teacher T may misinterpret things and then muddle T over something. As you said you don't have that relationship with teacher T like you do T. I would be fearful of a meeting without me present. Not being present when they spoke to clarify misinterpretations would just send my anxiety out of the scare and make me extremely internally angry (trigger for other not so nice things). Fear of the unknown. Also in my experience when you add a third person to any relationship (including roommates) someone always feels left out, hurt, angry etc. Ummm for you Em this is taxing on your emotional roots. Take care.

Tired12

Honestly, I kind of feel like all three of us need to meet together. But I mentioned that to T, and I got the feeling it wasn't really an option.

I'm so confused right now. I think I'm starting to splinter. That's so not good.

Hmm that's what I was eluding to above Em.

I know...I think we were actually posting at the same time

Well Em you can only ask . Then if T's say no you will have the opportunity to ask why not. Then with there response your mind will be put at rest of what or who has the issue. lol which this time it doesn't not sound like it is just you.

I don't know what you're experiencing around this, but my reaction might be that I would very much feel a lack of control and it would feel ominous. I tend to think that people retaliate (for what, who knows) and set me up for hurt and things like that. So if it was me, all those kinds of things would come into play. I think it would feel as if they are planning to conspire against me, that the mere mention of them meeting would feel like something being done 'to' me.

This really bothers me. You are not at all a loser for reacting to this. IMHO, Teacher T made a mistake not telling you this was happening. Obviously she can email, so a quick note would have been respectful...IMHO.

I would write back...

'I understand I signed the waiver, but by doing so I did not waive my right to be informed about what was happening. It would have been respectful to inform me about the request for meeting, and gone a long way towards establishing trust between us.'

I'm so sorry...if you can remember that your instincts were correct, and YOU are the one bringing this issue to the table. That is a very mature and reasonable thing to do.

Many hugs...

OK... first... BREATHE! Stress can't live on air. Second, this is good because it gives some parameters to the conversation. She said she'd do this, and she is keeping her word. That's a good thing. Third BREATHE!!!
So, what I am thinking is that her relationship with you is changing because the class ended - yes? So i bet she needs to know in what role she can still be in your life. She's not your t... and she's no longer your teacher? Sooooooo that leaves her out in the cold and she cares about you.
(AKA) it is Soooooooooo much easier for us on the outside to look in and be calm. When on the inside, it feels dangerous when we lived with dangerous people and info was used to hurt us. *scratches head, thinking this is so very familiar*
((((((((((((((((earthmama))))))))))))))))
breathe!!! lots!!! drink water and keep your self cared for. I think they are caring for you too.
Kiya