Today's the day

Went to therapy.

T was proud of me because I was so super angry, but kept it where it belonged instead of turning it on myself. I was SO angry at him, I realized, as well as Teacher T. It really was unlike any therapy session I've ever had.

Instead of sitting with me, I had him sit in his chair across the room. He told me later he was proud of me for setting a boundary. I didn't sit behind my knees like I always do. I sat cross-legged and leaned forward and let him have it.

I felt like he was on my side, like he validated my anger, like he understood. And as much as I wanted to hate him and lump him in with Teacher T (who abandoned me) and my minister (who SA me as a teen), I couldn't. I could tell he was still him. I still felt safe.

I ended up asking him to come and sit with me towards the end. I really wanted to check out, or switch, or whatever it is I do when I dissociate, and T kept asking me to please stay there. I really, really tried, I worked SO hard, and I did manage until almost the end of the appointment. Then I told him I just couldn't be a grown up anymore, and he said okay...he let me be little, and we made up a story about eating frosting. I told him I wanted him to be my grown up and follow me everywhere and keep me safe and he said okay He said if people were mean to me he would tell them to stop and I told him that if they wouldn't stop, he could hit them - ha! It felt good to still be safe with him.

When I left, he was like "I hope someone old enough to drive shows up".

Anyhow, I feel better with him. I told him I don't know if I'm done being mad at him - grown up me still might be mad - but I'm glad that the little parts of me still feel safe.
I tried to make him PROMISE that nothing would ever change between us, and he got very "blah, blah, blah" and I wasn't really following him. I just wanted to know that there would always be this "us" - that the "us" might look different and change over time, but that it would still be there, even after therapy is over someday. I think he promised that there would always be an "us".

Anyhow, I am somewhere between little and big and don't know yet what I will do about Teacher T. Young me doesn't care at all if we ever see her again, but once I am all reoriented and grown up, I guess I'll have to figure it out. T wants me to at least have some sort of closure with her, if nothing else. Blah - I'll think about it later, or tomorrow, or something.

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Everyone)))))))))))))))))))))))))) Thanks for being here to help me process this stuff. It helps sooooo much.

Good work!

Whew, glad to hear all this. You did so good !!

many hugs and blessings my sweet friend... miss talking to you!

i dont understand what a "teacher T" is exactly...?

seriously? i'd tell her to PFO... my ONE t drives me nuts... but TWO? eep.

try to not fall into being in the same role as you had no choice about as a child.... don;t email her and request to email about it. i'm not suggesting you avoid working it out (altho.. like i said, if it were me PFO) but right now she has all the power. It isn't an adult-adult relationship... she has confused those roles as well. It's called "transactional analysis." Point that out to her. That in healthy communication and relationships there needs to be equal standing. She took your power away. What gave her that right?

i'd have to ask her if it was fair to bring her issues into your therapy... she overextended herself in her role, or so she seems to feel, and then she changed it without being upfront. That really does indicate a lack of respect for your feelings and a disregard for the impact on you in favour of rectifying what she saw as a problem for her.

you want to not being chasing after her approval... and that is the inevitable situation she created... you would predictably and understandably feel abandoned... and you would focus on regaining what her approval. You couldn't help but feel as you do and it was her job, and her mistake to have put that on you. Shame on her

yes... T's make mistakes... blobby ones sometimes... but it would appear to me that her initial mistake was not getting her role right... and then, to fix it and make it better for her, she really handled it badly.

im so sorry it happened em... you didn't do anything wrong and you dont deserve to suffer for someone else's mistakes. Try to focus on that.... the adult knows intellectually what the issues are... try to let that adult do the talking and let that adult carry the load of it... just tell the little(s) that they did nothing wrong and even though sometimes bad things happen it isn't because they did something bad... just because teacher t did really mess up, it doesn't mean everything she gave you is bad.

I'm sorry but I would like to respectfully offer an alternative to this. Teacher T only has all the power if EM plays this role. Teacher T cannot take EM's power unless EM allows it.

Teacher T made a mistake but who knows if she was being consciously vicious about this or if she just made some mistakes?

I totally agree with Sannah here. From what I've read of teacher T, she genuinely cares about Em and seems to be doing her best to help her in an appropriate way. She made some mistakes, yes. We ALL make mistakes, even sometimes when we are doing our very best to get it right. I guess the thing is, unlike the T's with whom we have a uniquely intense relationship, our own mistakes usually tend not to have overwhelming emotional effects on other people. T's mistakes, both small and large ones, seem to be unusually amplified (and sometimes distorted) by some insanely powerful emotional magnifiying glass.

Em, I really am not saying here that your reaction is inappropriate or overly sensitive or whatever... the reality of the situation is that teacher T made mistakes and they had a very strong emotional impact on you. And it plain old wasn't fair. I completely understand why you are angry.

I guess what I am cautioning against is 'blacklisting' teacher T. From everything you've written it seems she has always held your needs in high regard. She goofed up on it, but I do believe she has always TRIED to do the right thing. That's all any decent human being can do.

Sometimes there are two realities that exist at the same time. Sometimes they contradict each other, but that doesn't mean they cancel each other out. You are so mad at Teacher T right now. Despite that anger (which is a transient emotion) teacher T IS a good person who has always tried to do the right thing by you. She has a lot of positive things to offer you.

You are angry and you have every right to be.
Teacher T is a good person.

Both are real.

She may be a good person, and she has helped me...but I am not sure if she is a good person for ME to work with.

I really need honesty and openness, and when Teacher T decided to change her role without telling me, it made things very hard for me...I asked her numerous times what was going on, and she acted like I was making up something that wasn't there....when in reality, as she reported to T, things HAD changed, she just hadn't bothered to tell me. If Teacher T had said to me, "I made a mistake, we need to back up and change things a bit" that would have been one thing - but the way this situation was handled was hurtful to me. And it's extra alarming to me that I told her so many of my "secrets" only to be somewhat abandoned.

I feel like she owes me an apology. People apologize to each other when they hurt each other, even if it was by mistake. I need her to own her part in this, which she hasn't done with me, AT ALL. If she can't own her part in this, I can't work with her anymore.. I think that's what it's going to come down to.

Hmmmm. Thanks for helping me think through this. T wants me to meet with her at least once more, for closure, and now that grown up me seems to be returning, I am guessing that is something I will probably do.

It's probably hard to understand how hurtful this situation was/is without being in it....

((earthmama))

Sorry I missed all this today. Wow, what a conflicting situation. You know yourself and you know your needs. I think that it is obvious you and T have such a solid relationship and I am so proud of you taking charge of the session! Way to go.

PS I loved his comment about letting an adult drive home. It reminded me of something my T would say.

((((EM)))),
I am so sorry about this situation! I would have felt angry also! I am SO PROUD OF YOU! I know this must be excruciating, but you are really asserting yourself. I want to be just like you when I grow up Love you Take care of yourself

((((((((((EM))))))))))))

You still kickin it?
Anger mostly used to make me want to do bad things to objects and "bad people". I never directed it inward really. I also believe more in the attributional theory of depression (and others), which is basically we attribute good things to external forces and bad things to internal forces. Also, I think what we focus on, GROWS.
Don't let anger grow. Focus on all the good in the world.
Can you look at a sweet little kitty kat and be ANGRY? Not for long I bet!
-SAM

Ouch, ouch, ouch. I think there's a name for that behavior: "gaslighting."

I agree with you so much on this. Her silence following all of this has been noteworthy, hasn't it? It's hard to believe she hasn't made an effort to contact you and apologize. To me that suggests she doesn't see she has done anything wrong, and that, as you wrote, she hasn't owned her part in this. A heartfelt apology would be so healing. This failure to apologize would be hugely triggering if it happened to me, EM, as that was the constant pattern of my H, and it still hurts.

I think that's a good idea, if you are up to it. You will have a chance to tell her how you feel and get it off your chest. She will have a chance to learn from this and perhaps become a better T. Your T will get to use some of his couples counseling skills. (I guess I'm assuming he will be facilitating your meeting--did you say that?). I think it would be really helpful and supportive if you have him there (if this meeting occurs).

Bravo. That is such a firm boundary. I hope you get to tell her this. I think that statement will help her see how serious this is.

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Earthmama)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
Oh I am sorry I missed this thread and wasn't around =( =(
How are you holding up???
Still holding BOTH your hands - let your anger be placed right where you know it should - and in words.
I like the boundaries you are setting!
I'm here... just a PM away =(

I will be meeting with Teacher T (alone). Maybe this week. I e-mailed her to tell her that I can't come to class this week because I don't know if I want to continue...and that T suggested I meet with her to see how it feels, and at least get some closure.

She said she is "eager" to meet with me. I am going to be very honest with her when we meet. And, I am going to try to be strong enough to stand by what I said before - if she can't own her part in this and apologize, I can't work with her.

I told T yesterday, I just want SOMEONE to apologize to me, you know?? I'm so sick of people hurting me and not apologizing. None of my past abusers are going to apologize, and that hurts. I know I am owed an apology in this situation.

Wooooooooo Hoooooooooooo, you go girl!!!!!!!! EM, yes, the adult has arrived and she is here and she is handling this. I wasn't in this situation but your explanation above is so clear to me how you feel about it I didn't have to experience it.

I do believe that I am seeing the emergence of one empowered woman.......and it looks great!

(((((em))))) i hadn't been up to responding to your thread, but i was reading along, as i had my own little crisis this week. fortunately, my friend who hurt me apologized to me with no excuses and i soooo appreciated it. i love when people are just simple about it and own their stuff and say i'm sorry. here's hoping you get what you need from teacher t.

i think you are doing a great job taking care of yourself, em. i was also so impressed by how your t supported your anger, even at him. he sounds like a great t. you are kicking some butt girl. maybe you need to forget meditation and go for kick boxing instead.