[queenie123]

I am really at a loss with how to deal with t at the moment. In many ways I've pushed myself quite alot and been able to talk about a few things, not fully, just sort of rambling without actually feeling emotions etc and although trust has been a huge issue, in a way I disconnected myself from it so that I could talk about some stuff, now though it all seems to have hit me like a smack on the head. I suddenly realised that maybe for the first time ever, I actually felt safe, this is a really weird feeling, I'm not knocking it, just don't know how to cope with it and the trust thing is making me feel sick to my stomach. I know my t cares and I find it impossible to believe that from some of the things i've told about, that my t could care about me. All this is making me want to run a mile, I did say that I was going to quit, the third time I've done this, I'm not proud of it but it all feels too much. On the one hand I like getting the nice comments but on the other hand I hate them, partly I think because I feel that as t gets to know me more, maybe the nice comments will want to be withdrawn, I guess the bottom line is that I'm terrified of actually connecting with someone and then being rejected, so I'm running before that has chance to happen.
I may have already ruined things, i think i've probably tested too much, don't know.
If anyone has any advice on how to deal with these feelings I'd would be very grateful.

[gimmeice]

(((((((((((( queenie )))))))))))))))))))

I have been through these type of feelings too and the best way I have found for dealing with them is talking with T about how you are feeling. I know that probably sounds scary because it is scary but I think that conversations like that are really good for the therapy relationship and help your trust issues with your t.

[missboots]

Queenie, I could have posted exactly what you wrote. I don't trust that T will like me after I tell her how I feel and think. It is so scary I want to run as well!

[vienna]

I also feel the same way, quite often. You are not alone. I hope there is some comfort in that!

Originally Posted by queenie123

I think because I feel that as t gets to know me more, maybe the nice comments will want to be withdrawn, I guess the bottom line is that I'm terrified of actually connecting with someone and then being rejected, so I'm running before that has chance to happen.

Ah, yes. This was me for months and months and months and months in therapy....I think I'm just getting over it, actually. I was POSITIVE that as I told T more of my story, he would realize how messed up and horrible I *really* am, and he would refer me. I felt between a rock and a hard place - the whole point of going there was to talk, but talking was going to lead to rejection (I thought)

I have probably talked to T about this more than anything else- the fear of being referred, the fear of being "too much", etc....and he has proven, over time, that what he says is true - I really CAN go in there and tell him anything, express any feeling, show him any part of myself, and he will accept and love me just how I am.

I needed the reassurance from him that he was going to see this through with me, but time is really the thing that has made those scary feelings go away.

I guess my advice would be to talk to T about this, as much as you need to. And don't run away. The urge to run was so strong sometimes that I never thought I'd make it past it, but amazingly, just showing up and talking about it, over and over again, made the urge go away.

It still might come back...the fear and the desire to run away to protect myself....but it seems like it comes back less and less often now, and lasts for a shorter time.

Keep talking.....it sounds like you are doing a great job...

[queenie123]

thank you all, I am going to ring on monday and see if I can chat to her and try sort things out, hoping all goes ok.
why is nothing ever easy !!!!

[phoenix7]

someone once told me that nothing worth having is easy grrrr

I think you are very brave to face your fears - running away is only a temporary fix - our fears still manage to find us no matter how far we run - you are doing the right thing - and i hope your path gets a little easier after this. P7

[queenie123]

thank you P7

We spoke on the phone yesterday and I am going back at the end of february. That gives me chance to work out exactly how I feel and write it all down. Hopefully it will work out, we will see.

thank you all again for your support