seeing psych tomorrow...(caution rant)

I am really not wanting to go tomorrow, I have only been once and it really set me off. I went last thurs. and by sat. morning I was in a psycho-rage. My thoughts were racing, I couldn't breath, blah blah blah. I had left his office thinking this isn't so bad... all the fears I had about it were way over the top, what an idiot I had been for fighting against this all these years. Then bam, friday I was nervous, out of sink with everything, thoughts kept interjecting themselves. Air got thin, mood got black.I jsut wanted to sleep but even that was torture. By sunday nite my mom had parked herself on my couch and wouldn't leave, so there we were, dredging up and churning up the same old crap.She decided I was not to be left alone. Boy did I unload at her. You want it you got it! Oh, no, its none of it your fault mom.Bad dad, bad brother, bad grandma,blah blah blah. She goes over what all the pdocs had told her over the years--- poor mom, after all you've had it so bad. Did you ever once think about getting us kids any help? Even once? Blank stare! Now its weds. better but not good.
I don't want to go back, trigger trigger trigger. I can't do this, its to much. Why can't it just go away, I can't change anything, it all sucks,too bad. Nobody cares and its nobodies business. My brain is so tired. I know I'm mad, but I have to keep trying to hold all the pieces together my own way, this T doesn't care that I will die from this, does not care that I will fly to pieces. I don't want to go back. But, the Med. drs. say I HAVE to go. I have issues. Plez somebody say something.

Hello byoungusa, it would be good for you to go back to T and tell him/her how this has affected you over this week. T will need to know that you had a reaction from the first session. Therapy can be hard work, even exhausting but well worth doing.

hi there,

I am sort of new at all this but maybe you could try a second session before you make up yr mind about this T? fortunately you don't have to wait weeks to do that. Good luck! and let us know how it goes.

Unfortunately, therapy is hard and is painful. But, it can save your life and make it better at the same time.
I'm sorry you are having the issues and problems that force you into therapy. It's hell.
Keep posting at pcychcentral. That will help a lot, too.
I hope you keep going to therapy. Good luck.

you said after the session that you felt better - so therapy seems to be working - its hard to go through but the alternative is worse - these things dont go away - believe me I've tried the head in the sand thing - it doesnt work things can get better - its hard... but they do - please talk to your T about what happened after the session - they may be able to help you if it happens again. P7

Can you talk to your T about your reaction and maybe work on some grounding or containment techniques to help you after your session??

I used to really fall apart after therapy sessions....it took a long time to figure out what worked for me, but T and I did figure some things out...writing helps, distracting myself by doing something fun and mindless (guitar hero), being with friends that I am comfortable with, calling T if I need extra help...those are some of the things that have helped. Therapy does stir up a lot of things and it is really, really hard, especially right at first, but, I think, worth it as we begin to heal.

Good luck at your session...

thanks to all for answering, iknow I have to go. I just keep having these like, upwelling episodes, panics. It just sucks so bad. My husband told me that the fact that the T touched a nerve just proves that I have to work some things out. I will tell him about how it affected me. I will and I will let you all know how it goes.
When I lose it, its like falling into hell, nobody likes hell I just don't want to feel like that.
thanks again

sounds like your husband is very wise.

It also sounds like he knows you very well. I hate it when that happens just kidding of course.

good luck!!