I don't want to give up therapy now...

it is, and yet it is the hardest thing. Boy I really share the pain you are going through.

Every single person in my family is on the "say no" side, and yet I keep arguing; even I have realized that the "helpme" person really knows how to push my buttons... With each crisis episode, the stakes are higher, and this time the person seems to have their back to the wall. If I say no this time, it may be the homeless shelter. My gosh this is so hard.

I agree with Tara.

I don't have personal experience. But I have watched that show "intervention". I don't know if you have ever seen it. But they let the person who is addicted know that if they don't go to rehab they will not be in his life anymore. Usually somebody in the family is enabling.

Talk to your T and ask for some advice on this matter.

Internettie,

I really liked what Phoenix said here:

There comes a time when you have to realise that you can offer help but you have to offer it within boundaries

Instead of feeling badly that you can't take him in and care for all of his needs, is there something you "can" do? Could you offer emotional support in a boundaried way? In other words, agree to touch base with him occasionally, either by phone or in person, just to ask how he is and show your concern/support? It does not seem like providing physical support has really helped him anyway. Providing boundaried emotional support may do more good. It may be a way you can show you care without allowing his problems and needs to interfere with/take over yours.

I was just thinking of a way you could say "No, I am not willing to let you move in with me, but "this" is what I can do."

Of course, if you did agree to occasional meetings or phone check-ins, you would have to ready yourself before each meeting (or phone check), so that you are prepared in your determination not to give in if he tries to talk you into letting him move in with you. If you don't think you can stay strong in your decision, then this idea may not work.

Wow I really agree with everything said here.

Boundaries are so important in recovery. I agree completely with being supportive from a distance, but realizing that support does not equal self-sacrifice or a dollar amount.

HOWEVER--- Like was said here, if you can't maintain the boundaries and stay in supportive contact, then you need to stay away completely.
I think you'll need your new T's help with this one.

I just called my nephew (he had called me but I was taking a nap). He apologized for not calling me yesterday but asked if we could talk tomorrow because he only has a few minutes left on his pre-paid cell. I told him that we could talk tomorrow.

Why do you think he keeps calling to tell me that we'll talk another day? Why do I let him get away with doing that? What the heck is going on here with him and with me?

Think about how stressed you are about this: It must be far worse for him. Maybe he thinks your his last chance to start being productive. He doesn't have his s**t together; he's probably very afraid of what your reaction will be.

I think you both need to say what you to say, and you bear a burden of having to tell him "no" that he doesn't bear.

I need to remember how much I love my nephew. I wouldn't want to do anything to hurt him. I'm sure this is very difficult for him. I always seem to be his last chance. That's what makes it so hard. I feel like crying tonight. I want to do the right thing (say 'no') and do it in a way that it loving and caring but I don't know that he'll see it that way. I know he just doesn't want to hear me say it won't work out. What will he do if I say 'no'? How do I not feel guilty if he ends up on the streets? I can't wait to see my T tomorrow. I should have called her about this but I didn't. I just want to cry...

It's got to very, very difficult for you, which just means that you care a great deal for him.

You don't cause his problems, and you can't solve them. There's a point where "support" becomes enabling, but there's no objective way to identify it. Sometimes not being what someone wants us to be is the best thing to do for them. You’ve done a great deal for him and in the end it hasn't helped him get his act together. The issue is with him, not you. Why put it all on you? What about everyone else? Are you also responsible for what they have or haven't done for him? No.

(((((((((((((((((((internettie)))))))))))))))))))))

Hope talking to T about this situation helped today. Please stay strong and remember that you owe it to yourself to take care of you.

Well I think he's avoiding the answer he's expecting. So, it's good to know he's already expecting to hear the answer you have decided on.

The drama around his phone minutes may be just about an attempt to set the mood to his neediness (I am so in need, I don't even have phone minutes to talk.). It is another manipulation.

We all protect ourselves from unpleasantness in different ways. If we are lucky, we get to learn that it's very releiving to face things directly and immediately. The tension in the space of avoiding is so great but we don't see that part of the cause of the tension is the avoiding, we think all the tension is about the tension coming from the issue we are avoiding.

If it was me and he didn't want to talk again due to his limited phone minutes, I would go ahead and tell him the answer then. It will not be what he wants to hear, but it will releive his tension and he can put that energy into thinking about other options he has, as we all have options even if we have a hard time seeing them.

Hang in there, you're doing great

Echoes, THANK YOU for this. I could have started this thread myself and am finding a lot of help in everyone's replies.

(((((((((((((((internettie))))))))))))))))

I am impressed and inspired with your strength and insight.
I can relate so much to what you said about being "uncomfortable about putting yourself first".
It seems to me that much of the healing process for anyone involves tolerating feelings of discomfort and pain.
I think it is great that you recognize that and are still determined to tolerate and make the right decision for yourself.

It must seem like it is so easy for all of us to say, 'just tell him no', but we don't know him and love him like you do. I can't imagine how hard it is for you, but stay strong, you can do it.

sending you vibes of strength and peace........
and hugs too....

In about an hour I get to see T. I don't think my nephew will call before my appt. time but if he does I am ready to say 'no' to living with us but 'yes' to helping him with services and resources in his area. There is one number he has to call (2-1-1) to get hooked up with all services. I'm going to do some research on assistance for people newly out of jail so I'll have that for him too. This seems like a good compromise to me. I can help him in a way that matters yet not give up my life by letting him live here. I'm going to leave my cell on during therapy (T said that was okay to do) so if he calls I can talk to him straight away. I need to work with T on these feelings I have (willing to give up me for someone else and difficulty saying 'no' to anyone). They are running and ruining my life.

I do appreciate all of the comments. They've helped me get through a difficult time. I will let you know how it goes today when he calls. (((((((((all))))))))))

I think you'll do great internettie. Trust yourself. You'll do the right thing.

hope it goes ok with T - and that you get to sort things out with your nephew -

It's a game he's playing with the hope of receiving your sympathy and what he thinks he might get from it. He's just afraid to be direct--he wants to play games with your head and build the pressure on you. It's a tactic he knows has worked in the past with you and others.

Please don't be a participant in his games. Just tell him that you love him very much, but will not provide for him a place to stay OR money of any sort. Ask him what his plans for the future are... where does he see himself in one year? Five years? Tell him to get working on it then!

Let him go... he is an adult now. He needs to learn to live like a man.

Stay strong internettie! You can do it, and even though it will be hard please stay strong.

I talked to T today. She agreed that I needed to say 'no' to my nephew. She told me to just say it and not to give an explanation beyond "I've made my decision".

Well, my nephew called and I told him that I love him but that he can't come out here to live with us. I did tell him I'd be willing to help him locate services and resources (jobs, shelter, etc.). He doesn't have a computer. I was happy that he didn't get angry but if he had I was ready to hang up. I feel better now that I've told him 'no'. He does have a place to live, for now, but he needs to get a job to continue staying there. I'll give him the resources but that's all I'll do. He's going to have to take the information and run with it.

I'm not sure how I'm feeling now. I thought I would feel totally relieved, but I don't. I'm still concerned about him because I love him. T said I'd have to learn to tolerate uncomfortable feelings. I guess that's what I'm doing.

I know that he'll ask for something again some day and I'll have to say 'no', but now that I've done it, maybe it won't be so hard next time.

Do you think I made a good compromise (saying 'no' but offering to locate services and/or resources)?

Thank you all for the support and encouragement.

I think your compromise was great - well done for staying strong - that must have been really hard - it gets easier as time goes on - well done again - I think you dont feel relief because you know its not over - that there will be another time like this -= im glad you have your T to help you - take care P7

(((((Nettie)))))

I agree with everyone here...the answer needed to be NO. I am glad you made the right decision....you need to work on you. Your well being is what is most impt. I know how difficult it is to say no to someone you love and care about and worry about. I am very much in the same situation (co-dependent relationship with an addict) and I should be taking my own advice .....Hopefully one day I will be able to listen to myself



LLT

Kudos to you! Good job in that internettie!

Your T is right in that you will have to tolerate those uncomfortable feelings, but you did the right thing 100%. I would have offered the same thing (placing some of the burden on him to find resources too).

Does he have a HS degree? If not, maybe he can be guided toward a GED?

Oh yeah... as long as he doesn't have a federal (and maybe state) drug felony, he can apply for federal student aid and go to tradeschool, community college, or a regular university.
Options to consider.

You did great!

I think what you did was good on both sides--you said no, to take care of yourself; and you offered to help him, which shows him caring and support. Saying "no" didn't mean shutting him out; it simply meant drawing that boundary. Way to go!

Simcha, my nephew got his GED while he was in jail. I'm very proud of him for doing that. He has been looking at going to school once he can get a stable job situation.

LLT, I am so sorry that you are going through the same thing. I know how hard it is and I feel your pain. It's so difficult when you know what to do to make things right, but they don't. I can tell you from what happened today (talking to nephew) that saying 'no' is the best thing you can do. He's having to think now and not just depend on me to do it all for him. It's up to him now. My heart goes out to you.

P7, it was hard. I love that boy like he is my own. I just want what is best for him. And right now, that means being hands off.

I texted some info to my nephew on resources for jobs. Now it's up to him. He has been trying to get a job (I'm not sure how diligently) and he's frustrated that nothing has happened yet. I'll be praying that he gets a job quickly.

skeksi, you make a good point. I think I learned in my family or origin that saying no meant cutting people out of your life. My mom was good at doing that. So it's a new thing for me to say no without cutting the person out of my life (to avoid the uncomfortable feelings of dealing with them after saying no). I think that's the thing I need to learn about boundaries - they don't mean the end of a relationship, just a new definition.

((((((((((((((((((((((nettie)))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Good job

I Nettie - A*B*S*O*L*U*T*E*L*Y Y*E*S. Cheers for you!
and by the way, if he doesn't have a computer, his local library very probably has one he can use for free. between that and free email (like Yahoo), he should be able to get to just about anything he needs.