I don't want to give up therapy now...

I've been thinking about buying him a bus pass since he has no money and no car. That way he can get to all the places offering services and resources. Would that be enabling him?

(((((((((((((((((((internettie))))))))))))))) great job, stay strong!

I have difficulty tolerating emotions too, good or bad.

I think it's great that you didn't just say "I've made my decision" like your T suggested. I think that would be a dysfunctional and disrespectful approach. Rigidness like that isn't a well-developed coping measure. It depends on a person's strength to stick to their guns as far as saying more, but it speaks volumes to your functioning and relating ability to handle as you have.

As far as a bus pass, I think that's a pretty minor thing to help with. It is very specifically oriented to helping him in his quest for being productive--and something important, and it's nothing very burdensome for you to do--all you have to do is pay for it, not take him for and to the bus. I assume it's not very costly, so you're not really extending yourself much at all, and not at all in terms of carrying part of his problems.

As long as the bus pass doesn't set you up to be sucked in more.........

Sorry that I wasn't clear on what my T suggested. She told me to tell him that I'd made my decision and that it wouldn't work out for him to come out here but that I would be willing to help him with finding services and resources. And she told me to tell him that I love him and this is how I was willing to help him out. She wanted me to be direct and to the point but also to be flexible with what I would do to help him so we could continue our relationship. I did what she suggested and it seems to have worked beautifully.

What my T meant by not saying too much was to not give my nephew an opportunity to work around my answer. For example, if I said 'you can't come out here because you don't have a plan', that would give him the idea that if he could come up with a plan I'd be willing to take him in. The truth is that I won't take him in under any conditions, not because of him, but because of how I want to live my life.

The bus pass is only $27. I haven't mentioned it to him yet, because I'm still thinking on it. I'm not sure how I would get the money to him and I also am not sure I could trust him to spend it on the bus pass. I'll continue thinking about it. I do appreciate your advice.

My nephew just called me. He had a job interview and was very upfront with the guy about his jail record. The guy actually told him that his chance of becoming a career criminal was too high and he wouldn't get the job. That is laughable but it also makes me angry because how is he supposed to 'start over' when people like that make such sweeping statements. Oh well. I told him to blow it off and go on to the next thing, which is what he is doing. Yay, nephew!

Yes, that would be enabling him.
Do not buy his bus pass or anything else for him. It will start with small things and only slide down from there, so don't risk it.

If he can pay for minutes on a cell phone then he can pay for a bus pass. If not, he can pay for the bus with change on an as-needed basis.

Stay strong!

I wouldn't believe anything that your nephew tells you.
Let him prove himself... he seems adept at lying (you can't even trust him with $27 for a bus pass for instance). He might be lying about the job

He shouldn't mention his criminal history at all. Period. Most people are not very open minded or willing to give people a chance. Just say NO to the criminal history questions. If they run a background check he can deal with it then. Most jobs do not run a background check.

Secondly, he doesn't need a job in order to go to school--- quite the opposite. If he works, it will actually give him less money in the way of grants, need based scholarships, and federal loans.

If he applies for the FAFSA at http://www.fafsa.ed.gov/
(Free Application for Federal Student Aid--he just needs his tax information from last year's filed taxes if done), he will get more than enough money in which to live off of for a time. Then, he can also get a STUDENT JOB ON CAMPUS-- even at a two year college they usually have student jobs, which are easy part-timers that don't interfere with school.

He should get enough to live off of from student aid for the first few months to get a part time job if needed.

Education is VERY IMPORTANT in overcoming a checkered past.

Don't fall for his pressure tactics, NETTIE!

I have to say I think I agree with Simcha. I have seen how this goes with my own brother, and first it's a $27 bus pass, then it's a little extra money to make phone calls for interviews, then it's something else, then something else....

I think directing him to the resources in his area that can help him is perfect. Then step back and trust that he will use those resources - or not. At that point, it's his choice.

I KNOW how hard this is, but it's such a slippery slope. Show him that you trust him and have confidence that he can do this.

Thank you for the advice. I'm NOT going to send him any money for anything. I won't lie - I want to send him money because he says he hasn't eaten for days but I'm going to let him work this out. There are food banks, soup kitchens and churches that could help him out.

I'll mention that to him about school and let him decide what to do.

earthmama, you're right about the slippery slope. I think that's why I had a check in my spirit about getting him a bus pass. I know that he really needs to do for himself to build his confidence. It's really difficult, but I need to step back and just love him and pray for him.

((((((nettie))))))

Im so proud of you for standing your ground

I agree with EM...the $27 bus pass will lead to something else, then something else.....

You letting him find his way will not only give him strength and confidence, but you will reap the same benefits...the both of you will grow from this.

LLT, I don't think that I considered the benefits for ME by standing my ground. I was so concerned about how my nephew would feel. You're right though, I will grow from this experience.

My T gave me a writing assignment. I have to write a letter titled "Dear No". It makes me feel anxious just thinking about it.

I absolutely disagree with the "bus pass will lead to something else" thesis as given here by several.

No, only if you let it.

I think it's patronizing to suggest that you aren't capable of setting boundaries except in a global, (overly) rigid way. Maybe you can, maybe you can’t; that’s for you to decide. Standing your ground is what you define it to be. It isn't an all or nothing matter unless you make it one. My take on this extands beyond you, I'm talking about the general issue. It's a benefit to us "hold our ground," but that doesn't mean it's a completely rigid, impersonal matter.

I had a best friend who was a cocaine addict and I didn't cut him off--I just didn't engage in anything that would be related to his drug-taking behavior or other related behavior.

Would I have bought him a bus pass if he needed it for a legitimate purpose like getting to a job or school and couldn't afford right here and now and it could have been of benefit for good purposes? Yes. I don't really imagine a drug addict wanting a bus pass so he can go across town to score, but I do recognize that it would help (for helping in the immediate moment) for a job or school.

As far as student loans go, a criminal record is a barrier to getting them, whether at his level of crime and what types of loans, I don't know. But it's a major barrier for those trying to escape their criminal life by getting an education--one of those counter-productive social policies.

The only barrier to FEDERAL student aid (All Federal Loans, Grants, and Scholarships) is a certain type of federal DRUG FELONY CONVICTION. Not criminality per se, just the drug one. There are still private student loans to go to school if it is a drug conviction. There are all types of programs to look into if the nephew has a drug felony if he is willing to consider college (two year or four year) at this point.

Anyway, the problem with the bus pass is three fold: 1) she has to resist the slippery slope and this is very hard to do if you are uncertain of yourself like internettie is at the moment; 2) the nephew is an adult who needs to learn responsibility and paying for things doesn't help; 3) he has lied and taken advantage of people in the past, internettie included.

This lying and dancing around things is suspect, especially since the nephew has been out of jail for I believe 8 months or so? What has he been doing with his time?

I just see it as dangerous ground. I prefer to make things clear cut and simple-- I don't like to open up a can of worms so to speak. It has nothing to do with implying that internettie is incapable of setting her own boundaries or making her own decisions. She is quite capable of both.

I agree, totally! I have been down this road with my mom and my brother, and unfortunately, I have found that more often than not one things leads to another leads to another.

I TRULY believe that it is empowering to the addict to step back and let them take responsibility for their life. That's just how *I* feel though.

And, I think internettie is doing a great job working through this and showing a lot of love and thoughtfulness and strength

If a person is fully recovered then they have the luxury of having flexible boundaries that get into the grey area. If you are recovering, though, and saying no is still hard, you have to have rigid boundaries.

I can see this from both sides. I think at first I do have to be more rigid because I don't really know where the boundary is. After some time though, I think I will be strong enough to be more flexible with the boundary. I'm not cutting my nephew off at all. I'm still there when he needs to talk and to help him with services and resources. This had been going on for years and years with my nephew so I feel like I really do need to draw a line in the sand.

A year ago I went through this very same thing with my nephew - he wanted to come and live with us when he got out of jail. I wrote a letter to him saying that it wouldn't work out, that I wouldn't really be helping him if I took him in and solved all his problems. I panicked then too. I was sure he would get angry and that would be the end of the relationship. Obviously, that didn't happen. So why was I still so afraid this time around?

I can imagine him using the bus pass to get drugs, to go to the bar. I've given him money before and he didn't spend it on what it was intended for. I know this about him. Why would this time be any different? No, if I give him any money I'm right back where I started with him - nephew taking advantage of me. I'm not going to put myself in that position again. I can't and I won't.

I find myself always wanting to do just a little more for him because he is so special to me. But I just get burned every time. I forgive and forget. That's not healthy. I need to forgive him but remember what he is capable of.

I feel so much less stressed out since I told him that he can't come out here and live with us. That tells me that I'm doing the right thing. I have to take care of myself before I can take care of anyone else. I'm learning that it's not selfish to think that way, it's healthy.

This situation has come at the perfect time. I feel capable of dealing with it even though it's extremely hard to deal with. Working with my new T has given me a new outlook on life. And I'm grateful for that. I'm also grateful for the support from all of you at PC. Thanks.