[searchingmysoul]

I have been to T 2x this week.

I had my session Monday (regular time). I was really in a resistant place. I spent a lot of time circling around what I really what I wanted to talk about (a recent memory) and saying a lot of "I don't know's". I almost felt like I was talking in riddles and then mumbling off to myself in the middle of a sentence...My T finally said "I can't quite pick up where you are today"..
Yeah well, I didn't know either. I ended up talking about how I had not wanted to be there and how I had wanted to cancel. How those feelings were so strong for me then. We talked some about how through my childhood I would do almost anything not to ask for help, things that put me in danger. How being in danger seemed a better option than the threats of my home.

When I got home I could not figure out what was up with me...What was up with the resistance that seemed to creep back in and the nagging voice that says "you are making a big deal out of nothing". And then it hit me...I am expecting full on contact from my family of origin in two weeks. They were expected to be here for a week...While this was not the first thing on my mind really, underneath my exterior functioning, I was "battening down the hatches for the attack" so to speak.

And so I realized- that's it. Opening this stuff, talking about it, cleansing my soul, cutting out the disease, is also making me so sensitive to any contact with them.

So, I called my T for a second appt to talk about this event that was impending and to talk about my sensitivity and to give voice to this awful memory (because when they come up I have no peace until they are out).

I had my second session yesterday afternoon. My T helped me to troubleshoot the impending visit. She helped me to see where I can take back some of the power that was taken from me as a child. She helped me to feel in a small way my anger. She helped me to excise some of the darkness that threatens to take over all of the time. And I was honest, so honest about my own internal reactions, my fear, my hiding out to protect myself...

Today I was able to talk about my fears with my DH. He and I worked together to come up with a solution that will work for us around the issue of this visit. And I was able to set boundaries around the parameters of the visit this morning.

Right now I am so filled with gratitude for having T. For having a person help me to learn how to protect myself, ask for help, use my resources, and find my voice.

While I know I still have so far to go...Today I am filled...

~Searching

[darkrunner]

(((((((((((((((Searching)))))))))))))))))))))

Thank you for sharing this - I am impressed with your insight and your ability to ask for what you need. Your T sounds wonderful, but you get a lot of the credit too!!!!!! Way to go.

I am beginning to be grateful for my T as well, even though I just started seeing her, so I really relate to what you've written.

[hangingon]

Thats awesome news serachingmysoul. I love that you were able to open up and share this with your T.
Sounds like she is very insightful.
I am starting to learn that about my T as well. I hope she is one that I am really able to open up with and trust.
Congrats for being able to do that in your session and to leave feeling filled!

((((((((((((((((((searching)))))))))))))))))

what great insight!! and how empowering to work with your H to make the visit more bearable. Good for you

[searchingmysoul]

Thanks y'all!

I would say this was pretty huge for me...When it comes to my family I get tunnel vision and all the old stuff comes up. I get so locked in. Recogizing I have the ability to make choices in this is just huge.

[peaches100]

Searching,

I'm so glad your t was able to help you "batten down the hatches" in a healthy way by giving you the tools you need to handle your family of origin's upcoming visit. When we feel more prepared and empowered, it's much less intimidating to face potentially triggering people and situations.