[ECHOES]

Anger has been swarming around me, leaking out of my mouth, hanging over me like huge dark storm clouds.

Monday's session was mostly good. We were talking about the many reasons I have for self-hatred, and how those thoughts affect me. She said not only am I hard on myself, but then I keep reminding myself why (in different ways). Silence, thinking a minute.. then she says... "In case you forgot." That cracked me up. Maybe you had to be there but she said it as if it was just a completely logical thing to do.. to remind yourself how much you suck... "In case you forgot."

Later in the session the same feeling as before: that she isn't listening to me, that her empathy is phony, that she sits there smugly thinking "sucks to be you". I Logically I know this is me, not her. She's none of those things, but it felt like it. I think there's something I want that I don't even know or acknowledge. In the moment it feels true and where I used to just feel hurt and cry, now I get angry. I DO NOT like feeling angry. I can't contain it! It's really ugly. And so after session, although I made myself wait til I got home and I really tried to give myself more room around this before judging it and reacting instead of responding... I called and left several messages that I really really really wish I hadn't. Since I'm irrational anyway, I'm hoping the machine somehow didn't record my messages. But oh geez, how do I go back? I want to. I want to apologize and not by phone. I want to explore all this but it's so hard to explore when I feel like a worm! I have a fear she will punish or retaliate, things we've talked about and she doesn't do those things, we talk.. but still I have the waves of anxiety about it. I am afraid she will say do not call anymore and wouldn't blame her but I don't want to lose that. The part of me that remembers the good parts of therapy can sometimes think it will be okay and we'll talk about it and I'll be able to get past this. But what if she hates me now?!

[kittykins9]

Echoes,
I reach out to you with a suggestion. Print out this note and read it to her at next session. The words are all right there and I bet you'll find more understanding than you think.

Kkat

[MissCharlotte]

((((Echoes))))

Oh boy, you know I HAVE been where you are right now. I left T (four or five?) messages in a rage after a session once about a year ago and believe it or not I can't even remember now what it was about. He called it a "transferential rage." I was so humiliated.

Can you maybe call her and simply say you are feeling rather sheepish and look forward to seeing her and processing the anger tomorrow? It might make walking through the door a teeny bit easier.

I am sure she doesn't hate you. T's are like "good" parents--and good parents don't hate their children when they have temper tantrums. They do help them understand them though.

Stay the course--therapy, full speed ahead!

(((((((((((((((((Echoes))))))))))))))))))))))

I think my T LIVES for the times when I am angry at him....there is so much to process there, AND it gives him the chance to show me what a rational, kind response to anger looks like. He has never told me to go away, he has never yelled at me or punished me for being angry. He listens, and cares, and tries to help me figure out what is really going on.

Your T does not hate you. She is probably looking forward to working through this with you in your next session.

When do you see her next??

((((((((((((((((((Echoes)))))))))))))))))))))) Try not to let yourself get too spiraly....this will be okay...

[Simcha]

Originally Posted by earthmama

(((((((((((((((((Echoes))))))))))))))))))))))

I think my T LIVES for the times when I am angry at him....

LOL Earthy. I have to laugh at the similarities in our T's again here.
My T LIVES for the really juicy moments himself. He's riveted, engaged, and loving every minute of it! That's where he can really effect change.

He's an interesting case study himself... I just don't let on that I find it so.

[coconut64]

((((((((((((((Echoes)))))))))))

I struggle with anger too. It's toxic for me and I don't allow myself to feel it. You do. You are allowing yourself to feel your anger and in therapy you can explore where it is coming from.

I agreee with EM and Simcha. As with my shutting down episode, I'm sure T sees your anger as an opportunity to go deeper, to move toward healing, to explore you. I'm sitting here dreading going to T tomorrow. I was thinking about whether he feels bad for me for what I went through on Monday. I think I wanted him to feel bad for me. But then, from his perspective, it's progress. I'm sure he is thinking "I'm finally getting somewhere with coconut". I'm with you, you feel angry, you acted out. I felt hurt, I shut down. That's how we see it from the client's perspective. They see it differently. They see it as opportunities to move the process along. Trust the process remember. I don't think you have anything to be concerned about. Who has not left messages or sent emails we wish we could take back. Plus Ts are like MC says, the understanding, good enough parents who are there for us.

[darkrunner]

((((((((((((((((Echoes)))))))))))))))))))

Anger can be a very scary emotion. I had a time when I totally blew up at my pdoc in the hospital - in person.....screaming and yelling at him......in front of 2 student interns!!!! I felt horribly embarassed afterward and I had a hard time even looking at him. We never talked about it but I thought obsessively about what he thought of me. Part of me wishes we could have addressed it and come to some resolution.
I guess I just want you to know you are not alone - I understand how uncomfortable it is for you now, but try to have positive thoughts and stay with your 'wise mind', which I'm sure knows that T doesn't hate you.

You have my understanding, support and hugs if you want them.

[ECHOES]

(((( everyone )))) Thank you.

I so appreciate being able to come here for support when I'm wringing my hands over something. It is so releiving and I appreciate all of your thoughtful replies and hugs.

When I was a kid, I was afraid to sleep in my own bed in my own bedroom. So I slept on a lower bed beside my sister. That still wasn't enough and I would ask her to hold my hand. All I had to do was say her name "(name)?..." and over the edge of her mattress would come her arm so I could hold onto her hand.

And that's just what it feels like when I come here, needing. Thanks for holding my hand

I went as I knew I would. For once I didn't want to run from this even though I was worried. No punishment, no retaliation, no anger returned. Whew!

It was a good session. After the discussion that followed "So, I got your messages..." I felt so accepted. I was able to be more open. One thing we talked about is how after some sessions, I start thinking she is totally disgusted by me. It starts slowly then grows (as I feed the thought with 'proof') and can get overwhelming and can cause such anxiety that I crawl back inside my shell and that can last a long time. These kinds of sessions make me want to throw that shell away, because being out feels so much better.

[MissCharlotte]

Hey Echoes,

That's awesome! Feeling accepted by T even when I feel ugly myself is something I am just beginning to enjoy....

Thanks for sharing the story of you and your sister -- it is beautiful.

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by ECHOES

These kinds of sessions make me want to throw that shell away, because being out feels so much better.

echoes ! ! !

[peaches100]

Echoes,

I'm so glad it worked out good for you!