[little*rhino]

last week i finally felt ok enough with t to tell him that when the bad times come... sometimes they get pretty bad. For a host of reasons i am not in control of some of the factors that make these bad times come.. t tells me that i can affect them and find ways to ride them out or manage them even if the power to stop them isn't possible right now. i guess i trust him more because i told him that i sometimes can't get the big S out of my head... thinking about what i'd do, how, where... graphic imagery.

in those times i would never call him... i never reach for anyone then... so telling him this at all is a big deal.

he asked me what i thought i could do to help myself in those times and i thought for a minute and then said that perhaps a collage could help, like it helped when i made one to remind me to be strong.

but its been a week and i have no collage... no images come to mind. i need to find things that would be things that would help me push away the dark, morbid imagery. i thought about using my dogs and stuff.. but tbh, in those times i am feeling like i've failed everyone, how they'd be better off...

no, the images need to be something removed from me in a way... something not loaded with specific meaning... no pictures of my family or the career i have wanted but feel i have failed at.. see what i mean? My "goals" become something like headstones that mark what i have fallen short from... not things to look forward to but things i cannot attain.

i know that is twisted thinking... but i am talking about a time when the ONLY thinking going on is twisted.

i need images that my twisted little head can't turn against me.

but im blank... i have no clue...

ideas?

[gimmeice]

((((((((((((( Candika ))))))))))))))))

Could you make a collage of peoples avatars here and maybe pictures that remind you of them?

I am sending you loads of hugs.

[nowheretorun]

hey ice! i was going to say her own Ave is pretty cool too, but good idea!

[little*rhino]

my own avatar is of the Green Tara, the female embodiment of the Buddha of compassion... not to represent me, but it is the symbol i have for my T. The gender is not important, the meaning is. i gave him prayer flags with that image in the center. When i explained he said he was deeply touched... and i know he meant it bc it was written all over him.

Green Tara is the image i used in the first collage... along with my blue lotus, my orange gerberia and some writings...

ice ice baby... i miss seeing you. i'll be honest.. i've got some reason to believe that among the good people here there are some real bad ones. It's like that in life but in real life people cannot pretend they are someone else entirely without a whole makeup team. When i am not feeling safe i can't risk triggering feeling uncertain or hurt.

but your penguin makes me laugh.. everytime

i need images because in the worst times i can't make my thoughts into words... i start thinking almost purely visually... which makes it pretty impossible to use T's voicemail.

[nowheretorun]

i use mandalas... the imagery is soft, glowing, an essence of movement from what is sedentary... it allows my mind to defocus on the outside and inner focus calmly... not everything works for everyone, but its one technique i use... good wishes

(((((((candika))))))))

what about pictures of nature or something else that you find relaxing and peaceful? a favorite vacation spot, etc.?

((((((((((((((((((((candika)))))))))))))))))))))))

I love nowheretorun's ideas of mandalas. I have a mandala calendar, and at the bottom of each month, it explains the meaning of each mandala. They are beautiful to look at, and meaningful.

I love green tara I have a statue of her on my mantle right next to where I am typing!

[nowheretorun]

thanks for the support earthmama, i forgot to mention that there are several types of mandala images to select from, thanks for catching that.. meaning is what its all about

many kudoes to Green Tara Candika

[MissCharlotte]

(Candika)

When I am overwhelmed with obsessive thoughts such as you described, the only thing that helps is to either talk to someone or listen to guided imagery. You are a very visual person too I think so the guided imagery may help you as well. You can download something from www.healthjourneys.com or just do a google search and I bet you will come up with something for free.

I do like collage as well, but it feels like it might be a bit overwhelming when you need something right now. But, maybe you could cut pictures out of magazines that fit into a certain criteria you establish so you create something "beautiful?"

Take gentle care.

[peaches100]

Sorry to hear you're struggling with intrusive thoughts. That can be SO hard to control. I like the idea of a collage because it's something visual you can specifically direct your attention to. I would suggest soothing visual images of some kind . . . whether you picture them internally or paste them onto paper as a sort of collage you can look at. How about photographs of mountain streams, beautiful sunsets, baby animals, etc.? Internal visualizations are also good, the guided imagery.

[pachyderm]

Nice ideas. How about finding some Web site that has pictures of trees? I think that might be good for me.

[phoenix7]

are there places you feel safe or people you feel safe with? maybe you could put pics of these in your collage - hope you find somthing

[little*rhino]

ty for answering guys... all good ideas. Anyone have links to mandalas and meanings?

i dont know why this is so hard... sometimes i just feel so removed and detached from the world. i get caught in thinking about the larger scheme of life and i feel hopeless, insignificant and like i've been a waste of human space. Someone else better than me is dying of cancer somewhere and they could have made better use of the lifespan than i have or can. i feel guilty for being alive and just being so useless.

see... i don't seem to have a solid inner core self. i only know how to respond to things.. not create things... can't seem to even understand what creating one's own path in a fulfilling way might even be like. i seriously can't even invision it. All i see is emptiness.

not every day feels this bad... not every moment is filled with the lack of interest in surviving.... but even on days when i feel happier, i am keenly aware of this lack of fabric that makes one whole. i am not whole... i am incomplete somehow in a vital way.

on one hand i am ok with who/what i am... i know i am eccentric and well, not average. On the other hand... there is a huge empty space where something important should be... and it isn't there... i can't seem to really conceive of what it is, except it seems to be what lets people lead their own lives on their own paths and do what they want.. or even know what they want. i have no clue...

i am embarking on a risky career... very uncertain and very unlikely to be able to make much money. Apparently i am good at it... people say i am and i get the appropriate feedback and "rewards" for it, so i guess i am. Is it what i want? idk... i really dont. i have never "wanted" anything in particular.

i told T that i more deeply understood the drive i have to avoid disapproval. i don't worry about approval because i don't think i deserve anything... but i work very hard to prevent diapproval in people that matter to me (i could care less what strangers think). i understand the perfectionism... how hard i drive myself... how hypercritical i am.... and all to "prove" myself in some unknown way to some unknown target person. Basically, i have more or less wasted my entire life. i've never stuck with many things because that internal drive forced me to keep moving... keep searching for that unknown magical pinnacle that would make everyone happy. The people of my childhood days created a velvet prison for me and i never knew until now. They berrated me for not reaching this whopping potential they said i had... they would keep me after school to yell at me because they said i was the top-scoring student in the district on the testing, but i didn't work hard enough as far as they were concerned... i wasnt acheiving what they said i should... and there it began.

i had no mentors... no role models... no one taught me how to work hard, to study, to acheive... no one taught me how to know if i did my best, or how to decide for myself what that "best" was. No one taught me how to be satisfied, fulfilled or to understand my own wants and needs. i basically just developed my own system of operating in the world that has a wonderfully glossy shell that looks so well put together. i look like a well adapted person who has the world by the tail in so many ways, but inside i just drift.. i do whatever i figure out is what someone expects of me. Nothing feels real or solid.

i drift.

so here i am... on the edge of a big career event... i should feel something... but i don't. i dont even care.

i detach.. i float away... and what i see is how insignificant we all are. Struggling and working and trying all our lives and for what? i don't believe in religous things... don't believe in anything after this. We work so hard, inside and out, and in the end our minds start to go, our bodies give out and we are blown away like fine dust.

there wouldn't even be a hole where i was... in someone's life i mean. There are a lot of people who would be hurt and upset, but there isn't a single person who would have to change even one thing about their day to day life. Not one. No one would wake up and look at an empty pillow. No one would notice an empty place... how depressing is that?

idk... T and i started talking about this... this self evaluating i have been doing and trying to figure out what is really true and what is not. i don't understand the point of just putting a better "spin" on a wasted life. Sure.. you might feel better for a while, but how does that solve anything? i have no idea how to not waste the rest of whatever time i have. None. Like i said, no core sense of what i am or what i want.

i think sometimes about blue skies... when the clouds are high up... an open window on a warm spring day.. that new smell the earth has.

sorry... i've just been rambling

[nowheretorun]

try this Candika, if you want more i will share with you

http://www.yogaverse.com/

coming to this place of learning is the preparation you required to gain further knowledge which you may decide the truth of.. best wishes always

[Simcha]

Originally Posted by gimmeice

((((((((((((( Candika ))))))))))))))))

Could you make a collage of peoples avatars here and maybe pictures that remind you of them?

I am sending you loads of hugs.

I think MY picture should be the collage!!!

lol