[Mouse_]

There was an accident someplace and all routes too T were heavy. Normally takes 20mins but took an hour. My life begun to slip away with each 5mins lost.

Each bit nearer I got I believed I'd make it, it will be ok, I;l only be 5mins late. Today was more important then usual because T's away next week so I knew if I didnt make it today I'd "suffer" for a whole week.

My appointment time is 11.10 and I got to her doorstep at 11.30 heavy of heart and tears being held back by a raging anger headache.

We got into "our" room and I said, the traffic was awful and I feel so frustrated. T said, tell me about it. I felt I was going to sit in silence for the remaining 20mins, to hurt to talk, to angry. I couldnt believe my precious time was to be robbed.

It was important to me today to say something, not to waste the few minutes I had left. T said, what does it feel like to be late? what does it mean to you? She said, does it feel as if your being robbed and not getting a fair share?

Yes to all these things, but I couldnt admit to them at first. I kept saying, I dunno, theres no reason to be late, if you've got to be someplace, then be someplace.

Then I said what I was feeling, that she aint gonna let me stay extra because I was late. T said, how do you know? I said because once before when I was caught in traffic and phoned you from the car saying I wouldnt make it, you just said, ok, well perhaps we can email or something and I said, so I Know your rules already.

T said, but what if the rules aren't ridget and I have to time today to give the full session??

Geez, when she said this, the pain of happiness inside and the fear of her kindness. The tears just came and I was lost, I said, I don't know what to do now, I'm scared.

We talked some more about how I am afraid she will give me something but then turn sadistic because she has had too, but she said, I dont see anyone here Having to do anything, she said I want to do this.

Then I said I feel like a dog that has been given a bone and rushes to dig a hole to bury it, all the while checking to see no other dog is around to steal it.

I said, it feels like I have woken up in a foreign country, I don't know how to deal with your offer/kindness, its easier to feel rejected, at least I know where I am. T said, it feels now I have moved the boundarie like you are falling and If I turn sadistic because I have moved it that at least even though you land hard and hurt yourself you know at least that you have stopped falling.

One thing she did say at the beginning about my fear of being late, is that I was late coming in to my adoptive family, and always felt I was rushing to catch up and no one stopped to let me catch up. A feeling of running and not getting anywhere.

Man that is so spot on, that use to be a repeative dream I had, that I am trying to get somewhere but my legs won't move. Dam shes a smart therapist LOL!.

I said once she made the offer that in itself was enought for me and I'd go home now LOL< she laughted and said, what I am giving you something and you don't wish to stay and take it? so I stayed and took it but did say, eh, ok, then what time is the finish time today then? she laughed again and said, well you came at 11.30 so stay till 12.20..

I managed to say also, that todays session is one of those sessons that I will refer too and use it to reasure and comfort myself.

I said also to T that this reminds me of what the Chinese say about a Crisis, that its an opperturnity also, and today really did touch on some of my core fears adn feelings. Who'd_a_funk_it! I was expecting to go and have a quite last session and instead feel like I picked T up, shook her and put her down again. Or perhaps thats what I did to myself.

[pachyderm]

(((((Mouse)))))

[sittingatwatersedge]

dear mouse

[phoenix7]

Mouse I understand how you feel - especially the bit about being in a foreign country - glad you got the extra time

[Mouse_]

I keep thinking about this session and find myself beginning to cry. The feelings of gratitude, relief and joy and disbelieve that at last my time has come, I too know what it is to have someone kind in your life...T said during the session that it wasn't a big thing to have someone wait for you..to me its more than a big thing, its the first time ever someone has relaxed a rule...something else T had said about my fears that now T had given me something, she would turn into my adoptive mother and become sadistic, she changed the word sadistic to ruthless....my adoptive parents were ruthless in their rules...its like I've been locked in a dark place and finally someone has heard me and set me free...I feel so full of warmth and contentment and a will to want to live this life for the first time ever if I am truely honest with myself....

[pachyderm]

Mouse