I q-u-i-t!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I saw T this evening. And after that session I just realized that I am completely wasting her time and my time and money. I can not do this!...I think T is getting frustrated with me because I can't open up to her. Hell, I am frustrated with myself. I dont know what the heck I was thinking going to therapy...what a bunch of BS. This is a bunch of bologne!!!!!

I realized that for as long as I can remember I have been lying! Pretending to be something/someone im not. Pretending to be "okay" and happy and nothing's wrong and molding myself to suit everyone elses needs and wants etc. Everyone sees patient, happy, un-anxious (is that a word?) LLT and has for 20 years---my entire life! How do i put on this charade for 20 years?! And after 20 years or more (i am only26) of pretending and essentially LYING, I dont think I know what is underneath it all. I dont think I know who I am.....AND Does all of this make me a liar?? A pathological liar at that???? I dont get it. And now T expects me to just shed this so easily? And even knowing that I have NEVER expressed my feelings to anyone in all of my 26 years of living.

She was trying to push me to tell her something I didnt want to tell her---given the 3 minutes we had left. She kept pressing the issue even after I told her I didnt want to tell her. I knew if I started to tell her I'd start crying or try really hard not to and I didnt feel like putting that much energy out with 3 minutes to spare.

Screw T. I dont need her. I will figure it out on my own!!!!

So I have an appt with her next week, that either I am going to cancel or just go to and tell her I quit! I am afraid that if I go she will try and talk me out of quitting. If I call I wont have to discuss anything on the phone.

This blows! Life blows!

IM DONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(((((((((((((((LLT))))))))))))))))



All of this is so completely difficult. Absolutely against EVERYTHING we have been trained to think and feel and behave. It is not easy to shed it, any of it. Some things, sure, you want to be rid of, but for me, even those things have been tough to let go of...Because it has meant that I have had to struggle, really struggle, to hold onto something else...Some other (half)truth that right now seems so far away. You have every right to feel how you feel right now. Therapy, going, being truly open and putting it out there...Is just stinking hard.

About your T pressuring you...I'd be ticked too.

Take the space you need and take care of yourself.

~Searching

(((((((((((((((((((((LLT)))))))))))))))))))))

Oh my dearest, I have SO BEEN THERE. It just feels impossible to drop the charade and find out what is underneath the facade we've worn for so many, many years. When I went to T, he said something about finding my "authentic self" and I asked (and really, truly meant) "What if I don't like her"? This "self" we've created to survive is all we KNOW.

I know T pressuring you right at the end of session must have felt completely overwhelming. It is totally something to talk to her about. For me, the end of session has to be a time to put myself back together so I can head back out into the world and do what I need to do. Maybe she was feeling like you were right on the edge of opening up and didn't want to let the opportunity pass by? Still, it made you uncomfortable and unhappy and angry, and I'm sorry.

Here is a secret I have learned in therapy. Once I really allowed myself to be honest with T, I started having little glimpses of feelings. And once I let myself feel the bad feelings, I found out that there have been all of these GOOD feelings I've been missing out on my entire life. I was just going along like a robot, thinking I was doing just fine. But I never felt REAL joy, or happiness, or excitement, or love until I let myself feel the fear and anger and sadness and pain that I'd been working for so, so, so long to avoid.

A big rupture with T is actually when I had my first real feelings in therapy. I made myself go and talk with him about it, and I was ANGRY and I let him know...and his reaction was so surprising to me (acceptance, listening, not punishing, caring) that I decided to keep going back and give therapy a real chance. It was a turning point. Maybe, maybe this will be a turning point for you.

I wrote A LOT between the rupture appointment and the next one...A LOT. It helped me clarify why I was upset and helped me put words to what was going on inside. I read everything I wrote out loud the next time I saw T.

I am sorry you are struggling so much, LLT. It's painful to see you hitting your head on that brick wall You DESERVE to heal, you DESERVE to let the facade go and find out who you really are. There is no hurry. You do it at a pace that is right for you. It is a process, a SLOW ONE, with lots of ebbs and flows, but for me, it's been worth it.

(((((((((((((((((((((LLT)))))))))))))))))))))))))))) I am sending you lots of hugs and thinking of you.

LLT I've been here before too. Sometimes it feels like you are just pushing yourself to do something that totally goes against what you've been taught. You can't help but wonder repeatedly if your doing the right thing.

I recommend that you keep your appointment on the schedule for now. Work through how your are feeling but keep your options open. If quitting is the right option, then you'll be able to go in and tell her.

Wow I just wrote about this. I too am feeling that way and I don't want to quit becasue I know that I need to deal with this and quit stuffing it which Ive been doing for 50 yrs. You nailed it. How after 50 yrs of trying to go through life like everything is okay I feel like my T is expecting me to be able to just open up. Sometimes I have a hard time figuring out how I really feel. Thanks for your topic. Please do what is best for you becasue you deserve it! Let us know who it all works out! We are there for you

This is sooo frustrating. I don't know what's wrong with me. I know T is frustrated with me. I could hear it in her voice.... I want to quit before she tells me that she can't help me or she gives me some ultimatum: either I start to open up more and engage or she kicks me out...I'd rather quit for that happens.....I dont think T likes me. I must be her most difficult client....

I don't know what to do. I am 99% sure I am going to call tomorrow and just cancel and tell her I quit. Everything in me is telling me to run and I will figure it out along the way.

Searching, thanks. T said that therapy is hard too. I didnt believe her. I thought how hard could it possibly be?? I go talk some get my life back on track and POOF im better. HA!

Earthmama, thanks for the kind words and advice. "what if I dont like her" is exactly right. but my thing is what if no one else likes her. I have been molding myself to suit everyone else's life that if/when they start to see the real LLT, if I ever find her, what if they don't like her? I dont know..T wants me to stop saying I dont know too. I think she getting angry with me

Chaotic, thanks. I just dont want to go in and then she talks me into changing my mind only for me to come to this road block again two months from now. I will sleep on it. Though I am pretty sure I will call her tomorrow to tell her i quit.

Del12, thank you for sharing your experience. Honestly, I dont know what is right for me. I dont know anything. I am 26 years old and feel like i know nothing-- I dont know what is right for me, I dont know how i feel, I dont know what I need or want. im just so..................................

(((((((llt))))))))

i'm sorry you are feeling so frustrated with therapy and t and yourself. it doesn't sound fun. can you tell t that you felt pressured to open up when there was only 3 minutes left in the session? i think we've all had to use some sort of coping mechanism to just survive and it sounds like yours was to pretend everything was ok. it took years to build that up so it probably is going to take some time to dismantle too. please be gentle with yourself. maybe you need t to slow down. you can only do things as quickly as you can and that is totally okay. no need to compare yourself to anyone else either.

i'm asking this gently, do you think you will be able to figure things out on your own? i tried - and still try this to a large degree - this and it so hasn't worked for me. maybe it does for some people though. i think it might be good to really examine though if you think you can do it yourself. do you feel you connect with your t? sometimes it might be that you need a different t. i have finally found one that i really click with and it's made all the difference.

take care llt.

Yep - leave HER before she has a chance to leave YOU. I know that feeling! I was absolutely 100% POSITIVE early in therapy that T was just waiting for a chance to refer me to someone else. I don't know quite where that idea came from, but wow, it was a real fear. Even a year into therapy, T was leaving me messages that ended with "...and I'm not going to refer you". It didn't matter how many times he said it, I had to stay in therapy and EXPERIENCE it before I could really believe it. Scary, scary, scary.

You said twice in your message that you are afraid of people not liking you...you are afraid T doesn't like you, and you are afraid that the people around you won't like the "real" you. I know that *I* like you, and I am sure that anyone worthwhile will love the "real" you in your real life. I was like you - SO scared that if I showed my real feelings, no one would like me. Just the opposite has happened for me. It seems like people like me more, and it feels more genuine to ME - they like ME, not this fake me that I had created. Some people might like me less- like my abuser - but that is okay. I'm sure the most important thing is liking myself, but I'm not quite there yet...but the reactions of people around me to "me" have not been at all what I expected.

I hope you won't cancel. The things you are talking about is what therapy is all about. Can you go and TELL her "I think you are frustrated with me, I'm afraid I'm your most difficult client, I don't know how to drop the facade, I'm afraid no one will like me". Those would be honest things to tell her, and real, and could be the beginning of your own "new chapter" in therapy.

Thinking of you.... hang in there

LLT, I'm sure you will do whatever is the right thing for you to do in time, just give these emotions some time to settle and they will point you in the right direction, never act in haste.

(((((Life)))))

If what you are writing now is the real you, then we like you a lot!

I cancelled........

((((((((LLT)))))))))

I'm so sorry you felt like you had to cancel. Therapy is such hard work, and trying to press forward is sometimes like trying to swim in quicksand. I have felt at the very same place you are, more than once. Just ready to throw the towel in and say TO *^&%* WITH IT ALL!!! Several times I have cancelled with the idea of never going back again. I have always regretted cancelling afterward. Are you feeling relief, or have you deprived yourself of something you want and need, and now feel bad? Your emoticon is crying. Are you sure you don't want to call back and reschedule your session? You can talk things through with your t. You can work things out. She is probably not nearly as frustrated with you as you are with yourself. She has not given up on you. Don't give up on yourself and close the door on that true you inside that is trying so hard to surface. I've seen glimpses already, and want so much to see more of the real you.

I was reading through the whole thread for the first time, putting my thanks down along the way to excellent posts, reading your posts and thinking "yeah, she will work this out" and then your last post - OMG! I thought..... You need to work this out, though, the best way that is for you. I am dying to know what is going through your mind, though..........

Peaches: Thanks for sharing your experience. I do kind of regret having cancelled now. Thank goodness I didnt directly talk to her--I left a voicemail telling her I wanted to cancel and that she didnt need to call me back. Part of me hopes that she will. I dont know if I feel bettering having cancelled, but I dont know if I'd feel better having to go next week either. I am just so frustrated. I don't want to stay like this for the rest of my life, but the thought of opening up to somone for the first time EVER scares the life out of me. I thought about calling back and rescheduling, then she what will she think of me? Some girl who can't make up her mind.

Sannah: This morning I woke fine and said I will just go to see T next week and straighten this out. I dont know what happened. There was this small part of me that just kept saying who are you kidding if you haven't opened up to anyone in two decades, what makes you think you are going to start now? And then thoughts of I can figure this out on my own--all i have to do is x,y and z. But the problem with my "plans" are that they fade just as quickly as they come. I can't hold on to them at all.

I dont know what the best way for me to work anything out is. When i try to do things on my own they dont work. When I try with T they dont' work. I am afraid to tell her anything out of fear that it's going to sound stupid or she's going to tell me to stop whining and get over it. I keep thinking, well eventually she's going to come to the conclusion that she can't help me and send me packing. Its one huge mess. Im one huge mess. There's a smarter part of me that knows it's not nearly as difficult as Im making it out to be. She wants me to do all of these things that part of me knows will make me feel better (i.e. going out and meeting ppl IRL, finding something I enjoy doing etc) but the problem with going out and meeting people is that eventually they are going to want to know about me. How can I let them into LLT's life and world when I dont even know LLT? How am I supposed to tell someone who LLT is? What she likes, doesnt like etc, if I dont know?? Another thing that goes through my mind is the fact that I feel so different and I dont know why. I can't explain it. i feel like people will see it and I dont even know what it is they will see... It's one horrible cycle. We find things I'd be willing to do, then all those thoughts creep into my head and those plans go out the window. Ugh....im so frustrated

why go if it makes you angry?

So this therapist pushes you a lot to go out? Maybe tell her you want to work on a few other things first, like the issues that you have raised in this thread about opening up to her and getting to know yourself better?

I think that you can call her back and reschedule. I'm sure someone changing her mind doesn't surprise her at all.

So fear is holding you back? The best way to deal with fear is to push forward and face it..........

You say when you try with T it doesn't work. Of course you know that you haven't really tried with T yet?

Maybe you feel different because you are different? We are all different and unique, having different personalities and experiences. Learn to embrace your uniqueness?

Working on getting to know myself better and opening up to her is a good idea first is a good idea. However, I always go back to how will i get to know myself if I dont get out there and explore, right? Then, yes, the fear hits me hard--a cycle i need to get out of. She knows i have a lot of it. She always asks what's holding me back I always say FEAR. I know I have to face it and work through it.

You're right I haven't tried with T yet, at least to a certain extent. I think that me pushing myself to go see her every week is a good first step. A lot of the time I hate being in there (why go, right?---cuz i like to torture myself).

T called me back...I didnt answer the phone. I let her leave a voicemail. She was so nice about it and understood that my cancelling was a reaction to last nights appt. I called her back and she answered. I thought for sure i was going to get the receptionist or answering machine. Anyways, I told her it wasnt so much of really her pushing me, it was my frustration with myself--not sure how much she believed me (I am a little upset with her too, just a little). But i made another appointment .

I HATE when I feel like I can sense my T's frustration.

LLT, I was soooo here last summer. Things had just been slowly building in therapy. My T was pushing me, I was frustrated, just feeling like the uncomfortableness of therapy was getting worse not better. At one point I asked for help between sessions, didn't get it, came unglued, decided I was done, and can canceled my appoint. I was really angry with her and with myself. I later calmed down, realized that I had worked hard to that point and didn't want to end therapy that way. If I was really ready and it was time for me to move on...I figured, I should be able to tell my T that to her face, say thanks for your help, and discontinue in a way that I thought I would not regret. I have a long history of just leaving when things get to intense. I did not want to that this time. A few days later, I called the office and scheduled an a final appointment to officially end therapy. This was really hard and I really didn't think I would be able to actually go.

I literally dragged myself there. I don't think my T really had a clue about "anything" that was really going on with me at that point. But after this meltdown and a totally needy, freaky email I had sent her at this time...she figure it out. Honestly, that was one of my best sessions with her. What ever was exchanged during that meltdown... significantly changed my therapy.

I also look back on it now and say... that was really hard, could have gone either way; but I went and was not only really to deal with it, I did deal with it. If you are afraid you're T is going to some how "manipulate" you or is going to lay some guilt trip on you to make you stay, I was afraid of this too. In my cause that is not how the session played out. I was able to tell her that day that she pissed me off, she realized she made some mistakes and appropriately apologized. It was a very productive 2-way exchange which benefited our interaction a lot. I ended up continuing with her...but there is no doubt that this was because it was something that I wanted to do for myself. It wasn't fun...but it was worth working through. LLT if she upset you...then make it a point to tell her that. She will either acknowledge that it was a mistake and apologize or you will get a chance to hear why she did what she did. Its important that you realize that you deserve closure just as much as the other person. You can then decide if you can work with her under those conditions or if it really is your time to take a break or find someone new.

Yeah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(((((((((((((((((((((((LLT)))))))))))))))))))))))))))

I'm so glad she called and I'm so glad you are going. Brave you!

wow you are so courageous. when I read things like this i think, I could never do that. You did so good!! Proud of you!!!!

(((((((life))))))))

you mentioned something about feeling very different. i so know about that. my personality type is something like 1% of the population, so as much as i'd like to be like others it isn't going to happen. i've come to realize it's ok and even a cool thing to be a bit different. sometimes people think i'm a bit mysterious which i find rather amusing. really, it's just hard for me to open up. the thing is you probably have some very good reasons why you are afraid to talk and let t or others in. i think you're putting a tremendous amount of pressure on yourself. maybe you can focus on baby steps for making changes. those baby steps can add up pretty quickly to bigger change when we give ourselves a break and don't expect so much. i had such a hard time when i was in my 20s and then i found out later that a lot of people struggle during that age because you are trying to figure out so many things in life like who you are, career stuff and relationship/social stuff. it does get better. take care.

Dearest LLT
I am so thankful you posted. I have been feeling the same way. Scared to reveal who I really am because my emotional abuse. My first T was so judgemental and when he finally accused me of lying and treated me like a 5 yr old I quit. I found another T and am much more comfortable, but I still have not been able to open up and tell what I really think and what I want from therapy. After readiing your post earlier this week it really made me think. I realized I am frustrated with therapy. I am frustrated with myself becasue I can't say what I want to say for fear of rejection and so many times I can't figure out how I really feel. It is there but for some reason I won't let it out. I feel like sometimes my therapy goes in circles. I know I need it but it is very difficlt especally since I too have lived my life hiding my true thoughts and feelings. for fear of rejection. So to get to the point I sat down one night after I read your post and wrote out how I feel and it turned into a sorta letter to my T. I didn't know what to do with it when I was done. I reread it couple of times and actually felt some relief Now if only I could talk the way I wrote. I thought about giving it to my T next week, That was too scary I didn't want to watch my T read it, so I stuck it in an envelope and let it sit there for 2 days. And this morning I mailed it to my T! Ahhhhhh! The whole way to work I thought what have I done. I don't know if anyone else has done this, but I guess whats done is done and there is no getting it back. I do hope that it helps me to feel less fear in therapy to open up. I hope it helps my T understand me better.
Hang in there! Thinking back I wish I had the guts to confront my first T when I felt things weren't right. What did I know I had never been in therapy before. Thank you for your post and thanks to all for this forum. You have all helped me when I have had questions about what I was feeling and it is great to know there are others out there who share similar feelings thoughts and questions. God Bless you all!

((Del12)) Very couragious to send the letter. I took a risk early in my therapy where I did the letter thing. Spent the next 2 weeks freaking out about it. Everything worked out fine the next session. Some will say communicating this way isn't the best approach. I say it beats not communicating at all. I think your letter will lead to better communication in therapy.