[Tmac]

I am sitting here in a bad place in my mind trying to make sense of things. My first T appointment is coming up on me fast. I am more nervous each day than the day before. Today I am empty. I often start my day this was, once I get my feet on the floor and get moving I become very agitated. It is like hearing the ticking in my head I am a time bomb. Tick....tick....tick. Then once face to face or around anyone I get angry. The ticking get louder my heart starts to pound like I am waiting for someone to say the wrong thing or do the wrong thing. I feel like I am looking for a reasons to be angry. A reason to have an emotion inside. I am not quite sure which feels better being mad at the world or feeling that emptiness. Is one the depression they think I have and the other the PTSD they think I have. Possibly is it just that I am messed up all together. I have never allowed myself to feel what is inside I would shove them away. Is the looking for things to be angry about my way to fill the emptiness? These are questions I ask myself. So I am thinking a lot of this has to do with the fact that my first T appointment is Tuesday. I am am so afraid of this appointment and was not sure why. I am thinking it has to do with my feelings I have inside. I am very angry over my assault and my past. This has been held in for so long that I think I am trying to get rid of my anger before this appointment. They people keep telling me not to be afraid of therapy and my feelings. They are my feelings and I am entitled to them. That is all well and good but I am afraid if I do not difuse my anger some way some how before I see her I will go off. I am beginning to see my biggest fear of therapy would be my feelings on top of not being able to vocalize how I feel. I want to go into this with an open heart and open mind. Then the next minute I want to cancel the appointment. I am so conflicted right now my the choice to go or not.....to allow myself to feel or just remain empty. My agitation and anger right now is unbelievable. Driving behind an old lady who kept hitting or as I refer to it riding her brakes....there were no cars in front of her speed limit 45 nd we were going 25. I was back far enough that I gunned the gas and wanted to slam into her....then went opps can't do that and hit the brake.

So now I am angry with myself after occupation therapy yesyerday for my hand. They gave me a 2 page form to fill out, It had questions about my incident if I am having hightmare, changed eating habits, feel likethe incident is happening again. I filled it out and was realizing that form was to assess wether I am sufferng from PTSD. I have been in OT for over 8 weeks why now give me this form. My OT took the form and put it in my folder and said the OT I will have on Friday will talk to me about it. This OT I am seeing on Friday I ditched last week and have never met her before. So I know they discuss patients because they like to have different OTs working with different techniques, So now I am angry they they have been talking about me. So thinking about this I get even more angry b\c these women are hand therapists not MH therapists. So now I do not want to go tomorrow because I do not was to talk to them about my issues I do have a therapist I am going to try to talk to about this. So driving home I then get angry with myself b\c I am obviously not as good at hiding how I feel which makes me feel more vulnerable. So why am I posting this here? Because right now I get so angry to the point it scares me. What will happen in therapy if she pushes a button or askes a question I don't like. I am afraid I will go off. Everyone says the T is trained to handle these things. I guess the main reason for posting here is because this how every day goes for me. Emptiness, agitation, anger, then usually back to emptiness. I am conflicted with myself most of all because I feel like I am looking for reasons to be angry, looking for someone to take it out on and feel like if I don't get rid of it bad things are going to happen. Because in the end I turn my anger on myself.

Thanks for listening to my babble...sorry it is so long...finniest thing is I just said more in here than I will when I see the T. In a way I am looking for things to keep me from thinking about this appointment with the psychologist.

[Mouse_]

Tmac, I hear what you are saying, and there is no easy answer, just keep going forward and face your fears...keep the appointment with the mh therapist and speak your anger to her.

[Sannah]

((((((((Tmac))))))))))) . I'm glad that you posted this here. I am sorry that you have been stuffing your feelings. Therapy will be very helpful to you. Anticipation of anything sucks doesn't it! You will manage your appt. Please let us know how it goes.

[imapatient]

Going to see a T will break you out of the sever cycle you described yourself going through. The cycle won't disappear on its own--something is needed to help break it. The hand therapists have nothing to do with a T's way of operating.

The differences are these: IF you get angry in a therapy session, the T will want you to process it with him. Others aren't getting paid to process things; a T is. That's why he's there.

You don't have to talk about anything that you don't want to. Tell a T you don't want to talk about it until you feel more comfortable. It's not like with a medical doctor where as a rule you need to talk about your present issues.

The T doesn't drive the process; it's mutual. IF you have things you want to talk about, go ahead and do it. That’s why you're paying a T. They're there to help you, not grill you like a lawyer in court would. Not wanting to talk about something right then won't anger a T. They might want to get you to talk about why you don't want to talk about whatever it is, but that's an attempt to process and help. Not an inquisition.

Realize your ultimate control over the process. You can cancel or walk out or never go back at any point in the process. If you never go in the first place you have no chance of benefitting from therapy, getting professional outside views and insights. Are you willing to try getting help? What do you have to lose? Nothing but a lot of stress, mental and emotional confusion; the things that you'll be (working to and) cutting out of your life are the bad things.

You'll find extraordinarily few people who feel harmed by having gone to see a T for the first time. You'll find an extraordinarily high number of people who feel they've benefitted from taking that first step.

[madisgram]

some good feedback, tmac, from the others!!! i think they've covered it. if you don't go to the therapy appt. you will never know the outcome or how it could have helped you. hope you'll keep the appt. ranting is allowed and well received...so do what'cha gotta do to make it to the appt. time.a succuessful recovery could be waiting for you.

(((((((((((((((Tmac)))))))))))))))))))

The wait for the first therapy appointment is just excruciating, isn't it?? I like what imapatient said....you have control in this situation. You don't have to talk about ANYTHING you don't want to talk about. I will, in the middle of talking about something with T, sometimes say 'I don't want to talk about this anymore" and that's that. He respects it. Sometimes he will say "can we talk about not talking about it?" - and sometimes I say yes, sometimes I say no.

I hope you will give yourself this chance to heal. The prospect of facing all of those feelings we have been stuffing is SCARY. But your therapist will know how to help you pace yourself, and will be able to pick you up when you stumble.

Therapy is a gift to yourself. We don't have to go through life suffering, hiding our feelings, feeling empty, being scared. There is MORE for us. My wish for you is that you will give yourself a chance to go and discover how wonderful you are and how much better life can be