Confused

Ah sometimes I don't get my T.
She told me when I first started seeing her that she allows emails.
So for some reason after every session I email her once about the session. She has always responded.

That last time she responded I responded back to hers but never heard anything back. So I left it at that.
Then as usual after this past session I sent and email. No response this time, its been 3 days. She always responds to the first one and has never told me not to email. This past one that I had sent was a hard one, to get no response really bothers me. To the point that I decided I am just not going to send her anymore emails. I should tell her how I feel about her not responding but I can't even do that because I am such a whimp.

Here is the email I had sent, it was really hard to actually say this stuff but I did it.
#####
I wanted to thank you for hearing me tonight, I know you have told me that I don’t have to thank you but there are times when I feel I need to. However, if it’s something that bothers you, I will stop.
There were a couple things from tonight that I thought I should share with you. I know you want me to learn to comfort “little me”, to have compassion for her, but as of now I find that really difficult. I have more frustration towards her. You said children don’t usually tell but I did for the first time when I was 10. When I think of that, I get very upset that I didn’t do it sooner, that I let it go on for 2 years. I wonder how long I would have let it continue if he hadn’t hurt my little sister. Something in me was so angered by him hurting my little sister but there was another part of me that felt so guilty, it was my fault, I had turned over that night so that he wouldn’t do anything to me, only to have him hurt one of my little sisters.

This is part of why I get disgusted and angry with myself. I have worked hard to keep the outside up to hide what’s really going on inside. That’s what I am use to that’s what I have always had to do so that no one would know. All the while, I wanted someone to know, I just couldn’t say it.

When you told me tonight that you want me to allow you to share this pain with me, my first thought was why would you want to do that, that I am undeserving?
You’re the only person that I can really talk to right now. You have been great so far, that deserves thanks. Since the loss of my mom, I have felt completely alone. I know that sounds stupid, but it’s exactly how I feel.

I have these fears that you’re not going to be able to hear what I say, that it will be too much for you. That you are going to think of me differently. That you’re going to end up sending me off to someone else because I am too much for you. I’m just going to say it, I have this huge fear of abandonment, something that keeps me from ever getting close to people and the one thing that makes it very hard for me to really open up to you. I worry that you are going to hear so much and then want to give up on me. Deep down, what I really need to know is that I am in good hands, that you are not going to give up on me.
########

Ugh....its killing me that she didn't respond, makes me not want to trust her all the more.This is really hard for me to do as it is...
hangingon

(((((hangingon)))))

oh hangingon, your email was so clear and concise - the last paragraph I could have written myself - it must have taken a lot to write it - I am so sorry that you didnt get a reply - I really am - I know how that must feel - especially when you have a fear of abandonment and have even said that in the email - why do they do this - encourage us to reach out and not respond....

Maybe she has computer probs and hasnt seen your email - or just been too busy to check her emails - or is carefully thinking up a reply - its hard to reply to emails - they can so easily be misunderstood and you sounded in so much pain - maybe she is looking for the right words - I hope so - take care

She just responded, but I feel worse about it now.

She always responds right away, this time its been three days, and her email was a quick line or two in response and then she says, since I have you, can we change your appt time to a later time Tuesday...

Ugh,.....to me it seems she was not going to respond since its been three days but since she is in a jam and needs to change my appt time she needed to quickly respond to my email before adding that appt issue.

Sometimes I can't take this, I have such a hard time with trust and now this stuff, I have only been with her a couple months. This just makes it harder for me.

or maybe its that she wanted to reply but didnt have time to give it the thought it needed and also needed to change your appt - dunno? = but at least she did reply - and if it was only a line or two maybe she is stretched to the max at the moment - maybe she was being careful about what she said and would rather discuss it in therapy - hang in there - discuss it with her when you see her if you can at your next therapy and try not to fill in the gaps - I know I spiral when I do that - just see it for what it is - she replied and wants to see you at the next session - I hope it goes well for you

I can relate. I felt for you when I read that, and in context of the above.
I would feel the same. Its odd isnt it that just when you 'went out over the ravine' took this risk with being that open and honest is the one time she doesnt reply, and then only with something she wants of you.

As I write this, I realise that I tend to come in and reply when someone's in trouble with a T.
This is because I have experienced this, and I hate to see truth supressed or minimised.
What to do, and how to handle the situaiton isnt so easy, and needs to be worked out, but at least the first thing is to have a concept that this situation IS real, something did happen there that - at least to me your feelings are valid and based on reality.

I wish you all the strength you need to cope with this for the highest good.

river

((((((hanging on))))))

you are so brave to share what you did in your email. i'm sorry you didn't get the response you had hoped for. maybe she wants to address what you wrote in session. i'm sure she does care so try to go by what you know about her and not the thoughts that tell you she doesn't. take care sweetie.

Maybe some of you are right, perhaps I have over reacted. I should be happy that I heard back, but I just found it really odd for her to send a reply and then add, while I have you can we change your appt time type statement.

I have shared some really personal things the past couple of session and via email and I am on edge about that, and overly sensitive. I keep osculating back and forth as to whether I can trust her.

I wish I could actually have a discussion with her about this issue but I can't. Its easier to walk around the issue than to confront her about how I feel about the email issue. I don't want her to feel bad, yet its ok to torment myself, squelch it, and use it to add to the next time I feel let down by her.

This is so frustrating because even if I did bring it up, I am sure there will be some excuse as to why it just so happened that way. What T is going to actually say, yeah your right thats what I did, I'm really sorry.

Besides if you knew me, you would know that I hate, hate, hate, confrontation. I worry too much about other peoples feelings.

Maybe I am sabotaging myself, all so that in the end I can say to myself, see I told you you can't trust her.

Hangingon

First, wow...hangingon, you are light years ahead of me in what you've managed to get on the table in just a few months.

Regarding the email and your reaction...I don't think you are overreacting. In the email you shared that you are afraid she is going to get tired of listening and comforting that little girl and that you feel that this child/you is worthless. To me, the best thing your T could have done for you to demonstrate how wrong your assertions are...was to immediately respond to the email. Not necessary with a bunch of cheerleading statements, but with some statement to direct you to reflect and challenge the image you have of the child. The last thing she should have done was give you, amino to use in your self attack. The appointment change is like TOTALLY unrelated you personally...but its and easy thing for your mind to grab and say..."See I told you she would loose interest."

Hangingon...my T has frequently left me hanging with regard to both email and in session stuff. Maybe...maybe it is or isn't something deliberate. But for me...I'm getting better and better at getting myself to recognize and get myself out of those thought loops. She pisses me off, but maybe I'm supposed to receive silence sometimes.

That child within you feels worthless and afraid of being
abandoned. See if you can help her a little today.

I think you should be very proud of yourself for taking that leap....and I totally understand how you feel about waiting days for a response and then getting a simple couple lines...cuz it just happened to me last week.

The good news here is that you've admitted in your e-mail that you fear abandonment, and by your next appointment, it will be a topic that will be discussed...and hopefully, she will reassure you that she is there for you.

sometimes i think we read things into email responses....or lack of them ......and what is said. The usual response I get is "Thank you for your email., we will talk about it at the next session"......
As for the change of appointment time.......hey, at least she isn't cancelling!!

You have to bring it up with her personally. Everything else is an attempt to mind-read. No matter how hard it is, your feelings are your responsibility to deal with. If you can't bring it up verbally, write her a snail mail letter (or drop it off with a receptionist) explain your feelings. I wouldn't get detailed, just explain the basic issue and then you can talk about it at the next session. No doubt she'll bring it up if you don't. Given the issue at hand, I don’t think sending your thoughts by email is a good thing.

There are so many things that could be going on here, personal issues that are overwhelming for her to address they heavy stuff you write via email, etc.

What did she mean when she said you could email? Maybe she didn't mean emailing her after every session. Maybe for out-of-the ordinary things. Writing by email stuff that can be addressed person-to-person is a kind of avoidance; maybe she wants for you to stop emailing her so routinely. But if that's the case, she should be telling you that; ignoring your emails when she doesn't want you to be doing it all the time is passive-aggressiveness.

In a weird twist, she might be waiting for you to bring it up as a way of letting you develop more assertiveness rather than "rescuing" you from your own feelings. Not bringing it up seems to be a way of putting yourself in a needy, dependent way of wanting others to take responsibility for your feelings. You're feeling the way you do because she did/didn't do X while not taking the initiative like you want her to do. She might oblivious to your feelings about the matter given that you haven't raised it.

((((((((((((((((((((hangingon)))))))))))))))))))))))

I hope you will bring it up with her at your session. I had something similar happen with T once....he failed to respond to me in any way (I had called AND e-mailed) at a REALLY CRITICAL MOMENT in therapy and I felt so abandoned. It actually caused a pretty major rupture....

I did bring it up, we did talk about it (and talk about it and talk about it). There was obviously no way he could go back and redo it, and he probably did have legitimate reasons for what happened. It still hurt though, and shook up my trust for a little while.

In my experience, it is just this sort of thing that leads to growth in the therapy relationship...IF you talk about it.

AND, I just want to add....I'm sorry you didn't get the response you needed. It's so hard and painful when we need something and don't get it.

Kindergirl,
The usual response you get for your T is what you stated.
My T has sent great responses to each email, usually the same day or within one day. This past one, which she did not send a response for for three days, was unusual and she sent it with the appt issue. That was my concern. Its not the norm for her at all.

The fact that she is not cancelling doesn't make a difference in this case.
She has cancelled before when she was sick (which I understand), but in the past 2 months I have had to change my appt time a few times with her already. It has nothing to do with the fact that I can't make that work despite my crazy school schedule, its deeper than that.
Maybe I am comparing her to my old T who in a year only changed my appt one time and never cancelled. I suppose there should be no comparing.

Impatient,
Your right, I should talk with her about it. But wanting to and actually doing it are two different things. It's one of those easier said than done issues.
I had asked her when I first started seeing her a little over two months ago if she allowed email because sometimes that is easier for me to express myself. She told me she did. So after each session which is only once a week, I would send her one email thats it. Never called or anything else in between. She always answered them.
Like you said, if she doesn't want me to do that anymore, then she should just tell me and I wouldn't do it, it's that simple.

In fact, I have already decided that I am not going to send her any more emails on my own because of this past issue. It's not worth it to me.

I have never been the needy type of person. I have lived on my own, and have done everything on my own since I was 19. I don't go around telling people how I feel. In fact, I have always been the strong person for others. Therapy has been very difficult in that sense, email was the only way that I actually started to open up a little bit. I'm not sure you understand how hard it is for me to put myself in a vulnerable place. I am trying to allow myself to be the slightest bit vulnerable, something I absolutely hate and fear.
This so called "stupid" issue has caused me to want to draw back. Your right, she may be oblivious to my feelings. I'm just not sure that I am even ready to go there with her at this point.
Thanks for your suggestions, perhaps one day I will get there.

Earthmama,
You were awful brave to have brought the issue up with your T. I know I have to talk, I'm just not that trusting yet. For me it would be huge, huge, huge, to ever mention it in therapy. From what I have read, you seem to have a great trusting relationship with your T, its great you have the guts to mention issues when you have them.

Thanks Mixed up emotions,
My T will probably bring up the abandonment issue next session. I hope I dont stick with my typical, I am fine now, I was just upset when I wrote it. Sorry you didnt get the best response from your T either.

Chaotic,
Objectively I can inform you of alot of things that I know are wrong in my thinking. I know I sabotage myself ect. Knowing is one thing, actually putting it into action is what I need to learn to do.
Thanks for your kind words. I really appreciate them.

Hangingon

I have felt this way too, as my T is horrible about answering phone calls (it's phone calls for me, not emails). So I learned not to ever call him because I hated feeling so rejected when he never called back. I do email him sometimes, but never with therapy-type stuff, only business-type stuff, like canceling an appointment. It makes it easier when he doesn't respond to the email if it was just some business thing rather than pouring my heart out. I think your feeling rejected is completely understandable and not emailing anymore is a completely understandable response to the pain of not hearing back. I think there is a lot to be said for expressing things face to face in session--less chance for misunderstanding. Hang in there, hangingon. This is hard.

wow do I hear you Hangingon.......
Maybe you can go at it more indirectly, sort of from an angle. Maybe you could talk to yr t about trust in general, saying how hard it is for you to trust people, and once she is engaged in it you could (if you feel it possible) mention that even she is not immune from yr mistrust; I have tried this with my T and found her totally understanding of it.

I was most worried about saying, I still don't trust you and after all this time it upsets me, i want to but it fluctuates - I finally got this out and to my surprise, her response was a very supportive, "I know and i understand completely; it's because of your background" - and if I tell her, i trust you right now very much but it's going to change and I know it, and when it happens i want you to know that it's just me, it's not you, she says, very kindly, I know.
So I am trying not to worry too much about it any more. maybe some of this would be helpful to you as well.
hug from a fellow traveler

Whoa, there!!!

Sunny, with you and T, it was an ongoing issue, right? So you learned over time that it was too painful to put yourself out there with phone calls, and decided not to do it anymore - which was a smart and rational decision, and good boundary setting for yourself ("I don't like to be hurt,so I am going to save this stuff for session").

It seems like this has only happened one time with hangingon. All of the other times her T has responded right away....so it feels so extreme (to me) to just stop using a tool that was really working (helping her open up more) because of one bad experience.

Hangingon, I REALLY understand where you are coming from. When I started therapy, I had been trained VERY well to not talk, to not have feelings, to rely only on myself. I only started therapy because I was physically sick and there was no physical cause and I *knew* it was years of holding things in that was finally making me ill. The "learning to trust" process was absolutely awful and painful and gut-wrenching. It was impossibly hard, and went against EVERY instinct I had. But I knew that I really had no choice....it felt like my only chance at learning a new way of being, and living a happy life. I got a lot of strength from reading the experiences of people on this board....when I saw that people here had learned to trust their Ts, I thought *maybe* there was hope for me, too.

The e-mail issue was really hard for me to talk to T about. Early in therapy, when he wanted to talk about it, I practically plugged my ears. I was scared of being told I was too needy, that my e-mails were bothering him, that he wanted me to leave him alone. But he really just wanted me to understand that sometimes he would be able to respond right away, and sometimes he wouldn't, depending on what was going on in his life outside of work. We've had our e-mail ups and downs, and really, he's only sent me one or two responses in 16 months of therapy that were more than a line or two, so I've learned that if I need a more in-depth response, I need to ask him to leave a voice mail response (he likes to talk more than he likes to write). Sometimes I e-mail just to get things off my chest, or to let him know how I'm doing so we can talk about it at my appointment,and I don't ask for a response.

It took a LONG TIME for me to get comfortable with e-mailing/calling T, and to understand that the response time and quality of the response might change depending on what T has going on in his own life (he is a busy guy)....but I am glad I worked it out with him, and didn't totally cut myself off from that kind of support. For me, because it was so hard to learn to trust, it was essential to have some way to communicate that wasn't "face to face" while I worked up the bravery to deal with everything I needed to deal with in person (ha! I'm still working up that bravery, actually!)

(((((((((((((((((((((((((hangingon))))))))))))))))))))) I KNOW how hard this is. Sending many

I haven't read all of these posts so excuse me if I am repeating something or this has been resolved, but one thing about email, is, it is not secure. I know my T's have not encouraged writing anything confidential (that would be any type of disclosure about sessions etc) in email. Although it is rare, email can be intercepted. As well, if the T has a laptop and the laptop doesn't have proper security, if lost or stolen those records are there for anyone to see. Therefore, my view is that some (maybe most?) T's as they come to understand the potential issues surrounding email privacy and security they tend not to respond or respond with a one liner or even discourage email. Phone although not perfect is at least a bit safer. Again excuse me if I am jumping in here without not knowing the rest of the story.

Sitting,
Vey good thoughts. I see my T tuesday. I imagine she will bring up the email I had sent. If I have the nerve, I may try to take it from there as I already told her in the email that I fear abandonment. She also knows that I have a huge issue with trust (ie...two of the people who abused me were close family). I have never told her that she is not immune from that trust, perhaps I can bring that into the topic. Though I have mentioned that objectively I know she is not out to hurt me, however, it's still very difficult to open up to her.

I just never know whats going to happen when I walk through her door. I can be a total mess before I get there, and then walk in like there is totally nothing wrong. In fact my school couselor told me after seeing me only a few times that she didn't think I needed to see her that I was doing really well. Wow, she didn't have a clue.

Sunrise,
Exactly, thats my main point, I can very easily stop writing emails as a means to protect myself. I am very good at doing that. The only reason I was writing them in the first place was to try to allow myself to be somewhat vulnerable, something I absolutely hate, to even think about doing it in person is beyond scary. I honeslty think email is over with me, defense mechanism, yes.

Earthmama,
I hear what you are saying about trying to work through it and not running from it. I just can't take worrying about whether or not I am going to get a response, especially after pouring my heart out. It can be heartwrenching for me. Almost sends me spiraling and that I don't enjoy. Maybe it's something that can be worked out with my T I guess it all depends on how the next session goes, I'm really horrible at confrontation.

Winterbaby,
Yes, I have heard the same thing about email not being the safest way of communicating. With my last T she didn't allow email, she did allow phone calls. I saw her for a year and the only time I ever had the nerve to pick up the phone and call her was the morning my mom passed away, I was in complete panic and I needed to know that would settle. I literally talked for her for all of about 3 minutes then said ok bye. Email is just so much easier for me. My new T lets me call as well, but to pick up the phone, not sure I will ever do that. I really wish I could.

hangingon

((((((((((((((((((((((hangingon)))))))))))))))))))))))

I just want you to know you are not alone in this. I told T on the phone on Friday that I don't trust him, that I could hear his voice on the phone and know it was the same "him" I usually trust, but that right then, I couldn't imagine that I ever had trusted him or I ever would again.

When we've been hurt by the people closest to us, people who were supposed to take care of us and love us, it leaves deep wounds. It takes a long time to heal. For me, there are ebbs and flows - times I absolutely trust T, times when I feel like "who IS this guy, and WHY would I ever consider trusting him?!". The good news is, as time goes on, the times I trust him last longer, and the times I completely don't trust him one bit are shorter and easier to move through.

Hang in there

I didn't say hangingon should stop emailing her T, just that her response was very understandable. I have felt that way myself and completely get what she is feeling. I was trying to let her know I empathsized.

Hangingon, it would be great if you can get to the point of not having to email your T but being able to discuss the hard stuff face to face. I understand, though, you may not be there yet, and I wasn't trying to advise you what to do. (As you get to know her better, the trust will come--it takes time.) Just wanted you to know I understood your email pain. If you do stop emailing, it doesn't mean you will stop working on this issue, but that you will do it face to face, so its not like stopping emailing completely avoids the issue. I didn't mean to suggest you just not deal with this at all.

I'm sorry I misread what you wrote.... and I totally, TOTALLY agree that her response was very understandable. For me, one of the most spiraly things in the world is reaching out to T, expecting some kind of response, and getting nothing in return. Eeeeek!

Sun,
No problem, in the end the decision is mine anyways. I will just have to see how it goes. I see her tomorrow. Often I just go to sessions and go with it, no planned words ect. If I feel ready to, I will bring the issue up to her, she usually brings my emails up in session; maybe this time I can tell her how I felt about the way this response took place.

Thanks for all of your thoughts
hangingon