Rupture (trigger warning for mention of SI)

It seems like it has been awhile since I posted. My life has been in quite a bit of upheaval as of late, changing jobs, family member moving out, etc...that have left me in a state of emotional upheval. I have been lurking a lot here...With things so out of sorts in my life I haven't felt that I have anything constructive to offer to anyone and have also not felt in a place to give much anyway.

The reason for my post is this...It seems to me that since I have gone into crisis mode in my life with all of the change happening my therapy has also gone from being supportive to being something else entirely and what that is I am not sure...A rupture maybe?

It has been a messy downward spiral really and I will spare the details because most of which I can't even sort out myself... I have been in a complete state of crisis. And when I am in crisis I completely fold up into myself. In the last four weeks I have stopped taking care of my self as I normally have. I engaged in emotional SI, took that fact to my T, then completely shut her out about what it was that I had done. I have otherwise alienated my support system. I did all of this while looking the part of the put together professional.

My last session was basically an arguement between my T and I about who did what and who said what and me trying to tell her how I felt about a previous statement she had made to me. It was awful and messy and completely out of character for both of us. Especially her.

In the midst of all of this she said "I don't know if I have the skills to work with you". Which however an honest statement, because I am probably rather challenging, was completely confusing and not good timing and whatever else it may have been. Just bad I guess...

Anyway since then I have been trying to figure out my part of what happened, which is a lot...And I do feel I need to take ownership of no matter what the outcome.

I have T tomorrow. I don't know what to expect. Part of me is sure I am going to walk in the door and she is going to have a list of referrals for me. That is not what I want at all, but my catastrophizing mind won't let that thought go...

What I really want is to work through this. I want to understand what happened and take responsibility for my part and stop having this type of scene occur in my relationships.

So, for those of you who have experienced a rupture in your T relationship how did you handle it?

And for anyone who has experienced a total life crisis and therapy turned to crap too how did you handle that?

And please no T bashng, this is not an effort on my part to hear how awful my T is...

Thanks ya'all.

(((((Searching)))))

I have been thinking about you and havent seen you around PC...i was getting ready to put an APB out on you....

Im sorry you are going thru a rough patch...

I think if my T said that to me I would be soooo hurt and prob wouldnt even go back after that.... I'd imagine you must be too.

I have never had a HUGE rupture where my T and I are going at it....I think that would scare me to pieces and I would mentally withdraw from the situation (i think that is what they call a withdrawal rupture).... When this happened to me the first time, my T just wanted to talk about it and it turned out better than I expected

...but this is the complete opposite of the rupture you just experienced...Im sure others here have gone thru similar situations and will probably be able to give you much better advice.

I assume that if you guys just talk about it at your next session--each of you explore what happened from each perspective...then maybe decide if you think T has the skills to work with you....do you think she does? are you happy with her so far?

My mind tends to make things out to be worse than they really are. I think it's away I protect myself to expect the worst so I am not as hurt if x,y,z happened.

Im sorry, I am kind of just rambling here...not sure if this makes any sense or if this was of any help

Im glad you have returned to PC

Yes that statement at any time, but particularly at that time would shake me up.
I can't think or imagine options or solutions when in crisis; it is T who has encouraged me to come in when I have wanted to stay away and shut her out. I still want to do that but I know she is willing to talk about it, so I can go and tell her that I didn't want to come and why and off we go.

Can you tell her when you arrive, or possible by phone or email before, that you want to work through this with her? Maybe she was having a startling and momentary lack of faith in herself as well as great desire for relief for you

I arrived at therapy in crisis and it lasted a long time... most of the first year. I now seem to be back, trying to adapt to a major job change (for me) late last fall when at the same time I moved and a friend moved away. Then I moved again a few weeks ago and the job and everything is overwhelming again. When everything else is a wreck, I want therapy to be my refuge. It doesn't always work out that way when my struggling extends to the therapy room.

I just know I need to go anyway. I try very hard (but sometimes need help) to remember her words, "Trust the process.". That helps me to just kind of let go and show up with what's most on my mind.

I think it begins with letting her know that you want to work through this, with her. There is so much to talk about when these things occur.

I think this a GREAT starting point for healing your rupture with T and beginning to get support in moving through your crisis

I have had my share of ruptures with T. Sometimes, I just have to let something go...like, for example, if T said something that hurt my feelings, and I go back and tell him how it felt, and he apologizes, and we talk about it...I have to not hang on to it at that point. Because I do love T, and I value the relationship we've built together, and I want to keep working with him.

Sometimes T's say things that are confusing, or even hurtful, because, of course, they are human. So, no T-bashing from me! And because we will have to deal with people we love in real life making those same sorts of mistakes, T is a great person to practice and learn with in that situation.

I think if you go in and tell T what I quoted at the top of this post, that will be a great first step towards healing and moving forward...

I am so sorry you are having such a hard time. Sometimes it feels like everything just falls apart at once... I hope things get better for you soon

Thank you LLT

I have missed everyone..I have just been in such a downward spiral of messiness...I just close up into myself, it's like I can't see anything but survival...

"I assume that if you guys just talk about it at your next session--each of you explore what happened from each perspective...then maybe decide if you think T has the skills to work with you....do you think she does? are you happy with her so far?"

And thanks for this ^. I couldn't even get to that in my mind...My mind just went to "She's going to kick me out the door." I had no thought that there could be a mutual discussion on it.

I do think she has the skills to work with me. I think my trauma history would make me very challenging to work with for anyone...I would say that she might lack tolerance for the times when I am really closed up.

I have been very happy so far...When my executive ego state (lol) is in charge I totally love her...

Thank you again LLT

((((treehouse))))

Thank you for this.


Yeah, I am completely in a place where everything has fallen apart at once.

And you are right, T's are human. My T is human and really great. This is just a mess.

My plan for tomorrow was to initiate a conversation talking about what I had to take ownership over from the last 4 weeks. And talk about what I have brought in to this which is pretty much all of it.

Thanks again

Thank you ECHOES

I appreciate everything you have said...All is so true for me...I do want to work it out with her. This relationship is important to me. And I feel about it like I do any other relationship: that I need to work on my part in that relationship when I totally louse things up.

I don't know what to do about the statement. I imagine we will talk about it. I hope it goes okay.

Thank you.

((Searching))

Ummmm, Queen of Ruptures here.

I think you should call T tonight and leave a mesage telling her exactly what you just said--that you hope to come to session and work through this rupture; that you don't want to end working with her and that you are prepared to own your part and want to work it through.

That will give her an idea of what to expect tomorrow. Maybe she is anxious too and afraid the rupture will continue and doesn't know how to begin to heal it.

I think that when our lives are in turmoil, T can become part of the problem. If we are having trouble with relationships with other and ourselves, it can also transfer to T. After all, it is a real relationship also.

Good luck tomorrow. I hope you get what you need.

Take care.

You know, this is SO TRUE. I am most likely to have a rupture with T when I am totally fallling apart in other areas....and it makes perfect sense, because it's not like I'm going to be in crisis-mode and then walk into T and suddenly be this rational, reasonable person. He is unbelievably good about owning his part in our ruptures, but usually, I have a part too.

I love the fact that T provides a safe environment to learn how to work through this kind of stuff.

Searching, I have a lot of empathy for you because I'm right there as well at the moment. In fact, just recently I've been telling T that I don't feel like she's being supportive anymore. She claims she is, and I feel she isn't, and there we are.

For me, I don't know how this will turn out because I have to decide what I want here. But it sounds like you are clear about what you want, and I can't imagine your T not wanting to continue working with you if you tell her exactly what you wrote above. That is exactly what my T would like me to say, I'm sure - kind of the whole point of therapy is to churn up stuff and then process it together and have more understanding of yourself in the future. We have had plenty of ruptures in the past, and my T has always been willing to work through misunderstandings. Take care of yourself and I hope your appointment goes well.

((searching))

I'm sorry that you are going through such a tough time both with work and with your T. It is always worse when both places are out of whack.

I am replying specifically to the part about her suggesting that maybe you should see someone else. I am so sorry that she said this. My pdoc said this to me once after I returned from the hospital (the last time we had seen each other she had threatened to admit me against my will if I did not agree to go). It was very traumatizing. I find that sometimes T/pdocs don't know how awful this can sound. While they may think that it would be received well by their client, in reality it comes at a time when we are feeling the most vaunerable and alone. Instead of being offered to see someone else, (which I felt was another sign of how screwed up I was, and a rejection,) we instead need to know that they will be in this with us. That they wont give up on us because that is often replays experiences in our past. They can think they are being helpful, but it can look anything but. I would let her know at the beginning of your session that you do not want this to be a solution to your rupture.

I hope that you can go in and discuss what you were feeling when she made the comments so that you and her can work together on your relationship. Hopefully the work you do there can then help you work on your other supports.

When I had a disagreement with my T we discussed it - maybe taking a copy of your post might help if you get a bit tongue tied?

I think sometimes when things are really bad for us we (I) try to push T away - I get into the I dont need anyone or anything mode - hard to explain - the thing you need most is help - but you misinterpret and tkae any chance to push T away - part testing maybe? part just everyone leave me alone! - dunno?

I hope things improve for you soon and that you are able to discuss this with your t