[deliquesce]

my ptsd stuff started playing up last week (this happens whenever i get anxious, even due to unrelated stuff). but then over the weekend something happened which triggered it directly, and now i'm stuck in the loop.

being triggered itself isn't too bad right now, but i'm feeling really down. and i'm panicking that this might set me on the downward slope again back into depression. it was only last week that pdoc and i had a mini-celebration about me *finally* getting out of that black hole (after 6 months in it). so -- i can't go there again.

pdoc has told me repeatedly to call him if something happens that might upset my balance, even if it's not an emergency/crisis. i want to call pdoc. but i'm not sure what i need from him right now.

i don't want to open up about the situation until i'm in session with him on friday and talking face-to-face. partly because i don't feel safe talking about it outside of his room, and partly because i still feel the need to monitor his reaction.

but still, i'm slipping, and i'm panicking, and i need something right now to stave off that descent. maybe just hearing his voice, or having some minor contact, would help. but i don't know how to ask for that, without letting on that he's become somewhat of a security blanket for me (!).

so, i just don't know. any ideas? my call will go directly through to voicemail, and i want to set the boundary of not talking about 'it' over the phone. so i kind of feel that i need to say what i need/want instead. i'm stuck.

[phoenix7]

Maybe you could say you are spirally and you will talk about why tomorrow in session but that you need to hear from him that you will be ok and that you can do this - get through this till you see him tomorrow

Hope you ring him Deli and that he gets back to you too!

[googley]

I think you should call your pdoc and let him know what is going on. You can tell him that you aren't comfortable going into details over the phone, but that you need help making a plan to keep you stable until you see him on Friday. My guess would be that he would not want you to totally open yourself up to him over the phone but instead help you with coping until you are in session again and can work on it in person. Remember that you have control over what you talk about even on the phone. Your pdoc told you to call him if you needed to, I doubt you would be the first person to call and say I'm having a hard time and need help, but I don't know exactly what I need.

Take care of yourself!

[rainbow8]

Why don't you just tell him what you wrote here, that you have something to discuss with him on Friday, and you want to do it in session, but you need some reassurance from him until then. In a sense, our Ts are our security blanket, I think, and there's nothing wrong with that, in my opinion. He won't think less of you for wanting to touch base with him, especially when he has told you to in situations like you are in.

Tell him you're panicking, but you still want to wait until your session to talk about it. Any chance of scheduling it sooner this time? In order words, my advice is to be totally honest with him, even if it's to say "I don't know exactly what I need from you, but I need something."

[deliquesce]

thanks guys. i managed to get through today by keeping myself occupied - my mind off it, etc.

but now another guy has just asked me out, and i... can't. so pdoc will get a call tomorrow. i dont know why ppl want to see me. this sucks.

((((((((((((((((((((((((deli))))))))))))))))))))))))

I am glad you are going to call.

[phoenix7]

Im glad you are going to ring pdoc too - and why do they want to go out with you ? because you are a good person - thats why!

[imapatient]

Yes, good that you'll call. You don't need to necessarily understand what’s going on. What matters is the effect on you from the situation. Pdoc could very well have some insight for you or otherwise offer you solace and support. You're not necessarily out of "it" or completely. It tails off.

[deliquesce]

i called and left a message and told pdoc he didn't need to call back. just talking to his machine was enough. but he called me back while he was driving home anyway, which was lovely.

he understood my reluctance to tell him what's going on, but cottoned on immediately that it was a ptsd-thingy. he told me it was just bad timing, this didn't mean i was going to fall into depression again - this was something outside of me that was happening, so we could deal with it and be ok. that was reassuring.

he also said i could take some meds if it was getting stuck too much in a loop for me to cope with. so i might do that tonight - just to avoid all the late night thinking and early morning waking dreams . if i take a half tablet, it'll be out of my system by day time, and i can function properly again.

he said he's got me, he's with me, and that he's thinking about me and will say a prayer for me tonight. he said i could meet with him tomorrow if i wanted, but i said friday is ok. so he said he will keep me until then. i feel safe.

incidentally - one of the guys just called before pdoc, to ask me out again. it felt ok talking to him and it felt ok saying yes. he just suggested coffee, and in a place that i like, so it will be familiar and i will feel like i'm in control - it's on my turf . and we're just meeting mid-afternoon, so i don't have to stay out with him or anything, and i can be home by dinner. so this might be ok. but i see pdoc before then, and that will be good, because pdoc will protect me .

[phoenix7]

I am so glad you have Pdoc - he is such a lovely pdoc just what you deserve! - good luck with the coffee.