[Christina86]

I know a couple of people were asking what my T had outlined as the "steps" to deal with abuse stuff. Well!! I found the paper. And thought I might as well start a new thread.

Now: My warnings - My therapist is a "pastoral counsellor" meaning her focus is (depending on the client) including religious stuff. So yes, that means this page mentions "God". Disregard what you don't like, or substitute for "higher power" or whatever you want. But this is what she gave me. And it might only make sense to me, in retrospect.

----------------------------------------------

Accepted:
- Not my fault (at least rationally)
- He is a broken and wounded man (sometimes rationally.)

1. What is lost? What has the ab*se made you "lose"? = Accepting through grieving.

Abuse (caused)
! loss of trust in......................................... Hatred
authority figures .... ----> DIS-EMPOWERS <-- Holding a grudge
! men being seen as "bad" ..........YOU............ Unforgiveness
! loss of self-esteem
! bad body image
! not trusting myself

(Abuse causes all of these things, and it dis-empowered you. But holding onto hatred, a grudge, or unforgiveness also dis-empowers you because YOU suffer.)

2. Your past does not define you. Your worth is God given.
(Thus, one event does not make you who you are, and your self-worth cannot be taken away by this one event even if you feel like it)

3. Decide who you want to be.
(She was very non-directive about this. IE. She didn't tell me what this meant )

4. Move forward in a process of forgiveness
(it is not a "one time" event, it's making a choice everyday, every moment sometimes)

It is NOT pretending what happened was okay. It IS holding the other person responsible for their actions - it was NOT okay. It was NOT your fault.

- Giving responsibility to God:
- For punishing the aggressor
- For ensuring the aggressor incurs the consequences

--->
--------> Keep giving the right for punishment to God
--->

Keep talking back to the lies (the negative voices) --> taking back your faith and your personal power.
5. Be freed of the results of the ab*se.







Okay, so granted it's not so much a step-by-step process. But by her just doing this... I realize it's a stupidly long process, which is TOTALLY not fair!!

But this is my choice: I can keep running and pretend nothing happened and be more hurt every day, or I can reclaim my power and deal with things, whether I like it or not. No matter how hard it is, people have gone through worse and have gotten through it... and SO CAN I.

I may not be able to turn back time. But what's in the past, is there. Yes, it hurts and it sucks and it wasn't ever my fault - but it's in the past, and it's staying there and I can't change it. However, I can learn from it, I can heal from it - and I can get over and through it.

And at the end of the day: I am a better and more whole and good person - and that's something I've got to be proud of.

I have survived the ab*se. I am here. I can live a good life and while I cannot "forget" it, I can at least stop blaming myself!

Oh, and she did recommend a couple of books: (Probably some of them with a religious POV. I actually haven't looked for them yet!!)

- Changes That Heal
- Boundaries (by Cloud & Townsend)
- Courage to Heal

[phoenix7]

Thanks for the Christina86 - I hope it didnt trigger you writing it

I have read "The courage to Heal" and worked through the exercises - I found it to be a very com=nfronting book but the exercises really helped me - I will look up the otehr two books -

thanks again

P7 *** ***

Have A Great Day

[sittingatwatersedge]

Christina

Many thanks for taking time to put this together!!!!
It's surprising how much damage can be done to us in a short moment and how long the healing takes - but the healing is the miracle.
you wrote

Originally Posted by Christina86

.........I may not be able to turn back time. But what's in the past, is there. Yes, it hurts and it sucks and it wasn't ever my fault - but it's in the past, and it's staying there and I can't change it. However, I can learn from it, I can heal from it - and I can get over and through it.

And at the end of the day: I am a better and more whole and good person - and that's something I've got to be proud of.

I have survived the ab*se. I am here. I can live a good life and while I cannot "forget" it, I can at least stop blaming myself!

AND - you also have learned a compassion you never knew before, I am willing to bet; you have become a larger soul for it. The work is hard but you are on the way - thanks so much for sharing this.

[bluesylady]

Thank you for posting this Christina. I'm at a point in my life where I'm doing fairly well coming to terms with past abuse. The only thing left is the hurt it has left me with. There's always an underlying sadness that I recently figured out is from being hurt and the only way I'll get past the sadness is to get passed the hurt. It does seem to be a long process. Can't just say OK, get over it, and the sadness and hurt are gone. I am conciously and continously choosing to embrace and be happy about all the good things life has to offer me. By doing this, little by little, the hurt and sadness have less of a hold on me. There are many wonderful things in life to be thankful for. Letting past abuse rob us of enjoying what life has to offer only continues to let the past abuse have power over us now.

Reading your post and similar things continue to help me along on my journey to healing. I wish the best for you and everyone struggling with this issue. Good luck and Happy Healing.

[peaches100]

It sounds like a good process, and yes, it does take time. I haven't fully come to grips with my ab*use yet, though I have talked to my t about it some. Regarding the books, I started reading Courage to Heal and found some of the personal experiences to be triggering. So go slow and don't let yourself get triggered.

[phoenix7]

yep some of them are full on - but the exercies are very good jmo

[searchingmysoul]

Thanks for posting this Christina! Like others I was thinking "What?!? How can I get a hold of this timeline?!?" It is interesting to think about the healing as a process. And also to be mindful that the damage happened over a course of time so the healing needs to happen in the same way.

[Christina86]

I'm glad other people found it interesting/useful. No, it didn't trigger me to copy it for you all... but the book "Courage to Heal" definitely isn't a light read!! It's also very painful to read. But worthwhile, definitely!

All in this together, one day/moment at a time...