Time to Myself

Reina-Rena · May 16, 2009, 08:27 AM

I just recently found out that I have OCD and possible Bipolar disorder. I had to go into the hospital because of my mental state and stayed there for six days. Now, I just want some time to collect my thoughts and be alone for a while. Thats understandable, right? I wish my boyfriend would understand a little better. I just want a few days to myself to calm down and relax, is that so bad? What do you guys think? I just want some alone time, expecially after getting information on my mental state. I haven't been talking to my boyfriend as much as I used to because of this, but I want more time alone. I just wish he would understand...Is it so bad of me to not talk to my boyfriend for a while. It makes me feel so bad because almost everytime I ask for alone time, he acts sad. What should I do?

Pomegranate · May 16, 2009, 08:46 AM

((((Reina)))) Yes, when I first started dealing with my mental health issues I needed lots of time alone for processing, for sorting things out, for figuring out who "I" now am. Your boyfriend is being immature. Not to mention not very empathetic and insensitive if he can't understand and support your needs right now.

Keep respecting your needs and taking care of yourself. You need support right now

, not someone else to take care of and worry about making him happy.

Reina-Rena · May 16, 2009, 10:51 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Pomegranate

((((Reina)))) Yes, when I first started dealing with my mental health issues I needed lots of time alone for processing, for sorting things out, for figuring out who "I" now am. Your boyfriend is being immature. Not to mention not very empathetic and insensitive if he can't understand and support your needs right now.

Keep respecting your needs and taking care of yourself. You need support right now

, not someone else to take care of and worry about making him happy.

Thank you so much Pomegranate! I really appreciate your understanding.

Im glad that someone knows how I feel. I just wish I could get my boyfriend to understand...

Pomegranate · May 16, 2009, 11:09 AM

I suppose you could bring him to therapy with you, one time, maybe your therapist would be willing to try to help explain it to him. But ... well maybe I'm to old to remember LOL! how dense teenage boys can be - it just seems like if you've told him how you felt and he knows what you've just been through he would have "got it" already. But talk with your therapist, if you feel you want to, and see what s/he says about it.

FooZe · May 17, 2009, 12:40 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Reina-Rena

I just recently found out that I have OCD and possible Bipolar disorder.

Oh, my! Do you realize how healthy you have to be to stand all that?

Quote:

Now, I just want some time to collect my thoughts and be alone for a while. Thats understandable, right?

The part that's a bit hard for me to see is how anyone wouldn't understand that you need to take care of yourself -- anytime, but especially right now when you've got so much on your plate! Well, I can think of one possibility. I don't know that this is necessarily true -- I mean, I'm just imagining here -- but if your boyfriend happened to have some issues (as many of us do) about whether he was really quite OK, then (a.) he might notice that he felt better about himself while you were around reassuring him in whatever ways you do, and (b.) he might think that as long as you're still hanging out with him, it must prove that he has something going for him. In that case (still imagining here, mind you) if you couldn't give him as much attention as he wanted for whatever reason, he might start to worry that he might not be OK after all, do everything he could to keep you around, and feel like hanging onto you tighter than ever. Almost like trying not to think of an elephant

Make any sense? It does to me -- but then, I'm the one who made it up.

Quote:

Is it so bad of me to not talk to my boyfriend for a while.

I think you need to take care of yourself first. You might be with your boyfriend for five more years or five more minutes, but you're going to be with you for the rest of your life. When you have enough for yourself, you may feel like sharing some of yourself -- your time, your attention, your feelings, your friendship -- with someone else. That's like you giving them a present. When someone tells you you have to give them what they need whether you're ready to give it or not, that's more like them trying to rob you.

Quote:

I just wish he would understand... What should I do?

I'd say, if you can, explain to him as gently as you can what's going on for you and what you need from him right now, even though you know it may be uncomfortable for him and he may worry at times that you must not like him any more or something. Do you think it might work for you to set apart a little time to spend with him -- say, half an hour or an hour every three days or so -- and see if you can put whatever else is going on for you on hold during that time? I don't think you should promise that you'll feel more like talking to him in, oh, two weeks or whatever, because you don't know for sure what you'll be dealing with in two weeks or what you'll feel like doing.

If he won't get it no matter what you say, you'll just need to set some clear boundaries whatever it takes, even ask your parents to help you enforce them if necessary.

Your communication skills already seem quite good, to me anyway. Still, I can see where if you were up to it... (Your mission, should you choose to accept it...lol) you could learn an awful lot very quickly from talking to your boyfriend about these issues that are so important to you and that he seems to have so much of a charge on, himself. I do think getting this settled in a way that works for you takes precedence over getting it settled gracefully or in a way that he's entirely happy with.

Good luck, and let us know how it goes.

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Oh, the weirdest thing just happened while I was in the middle of typing this reply. I was listening to a jazz CD, the track changed, and Stacey Kent was singing, "I'm gonna wash that man right out of my hair..." It must've been just coincidence; the CD player doesn't usually act like that, and it can't even see the screen from where it is.

FooZe · May 17, 2009, 02:28 PM

I woke up this morning thinking I wanted to take another shot at it from maybe a slightly different direction.

Where the clapstick when we need it? Is this it :clapstick:? Nope. Oh, well...

Scene 1, Take 2

Reina-Rena, you mostly come across as warm, friendly and enthusiastic. That's sure to attract a lot of people to you. Unless you also maintain good boundaries, though, some of the people you attract are going to be stepping on your toes at times. That wouldn't be good for you or them.

Anyone here have anything to add about boundaries and maintaining them?

--------------------------
It's a wrap!

artie · May 17, 2009, 06:33 PM

It is perfectly reasonable to want time apart.

I'm not sure what would convince him of that, using the word "no" is a standard recommended assertiveness technique, amazingly powerful in my experience, then explain you care about him just as much and explain why you need time..if it doesn't work repeating it might help....

you'd have to judge for yourself if this is wise with this particular person and situation.

I saw on some TV documentary it's good for couples to spend time doing things apart so they have things to talk about, these relationships last longer.So even when things are fine time apart is a good idea.

My only reservation is that if you are bipolar there's a chance you want to be away from people because you are becoming depressed, you and those around you might want to keep an eye on your mood, perhaps mention it to your doctor next time. On it's own it doesn't mean anything but might be one symptom.

Good luck