My mom decided that it's time my baby book passed down into my hands for safe keeping. I was looking through it tonight and was hit in the chest by a flood of emotions, both good and bed. Memory Lane is an interesting place when it seems as if it's the first time you've ever been there. I found some letters my mother wrote to me as a baby that I was to read many years later. I thought this was worth sharing because it illustrates why my mother and I are so very close. I can't really even remember these times in my life. I must have been around 3 because there's no mention of my sister.

Ryan,
I'm just sitting here waiting for Dad to get off work (he had been home and gone again for a while now), so I thought I'd write this. I just want you to know how special you are to me. There was a year of my life that I wouldn't have made it through without you. You held me together and even made me extremely happy. You were everything to me. You were such a big little boy. You didn't understand what was happening or why. Holding an adult together when they want to fall apart is a big burden for a little boy. You'll always be special to me for it. You and I became very close then. We shared everything... our joy, sorrow, and lonliness. But we laughed and we loved. And we had a relationship that was rare. I'm sorry that you had to go through it and I did everything I could to make it easier. It made me realize that God's greatest gift is a little boy.

Mom

My eyes are leaking rivers of mixed joy and sorrow as I write this. Maybe now you all will understand my excitement at her visit. It's not just my mother visiting, it's my best friend. From my earliest years, we stood side by side facing every foe the cruel world has in it's army... a father who was an abusive addict and more often than not couldn't find his way home, poverty, divorce, anger, sorrow, the birth of a new sister ( which is hardly a foe but a definite struggle with no money or father), and about a million other struggles. We're both have many battle scars from the years of what seemed like torture, but even to this day, we're undefeated together, and from her strength I've learned to win them all when I have to stand alone. Just thought I would share that. Hope it doesn't sound silly. Thanks for reading.

Ry

[sometimes]

that is very sweet. Thanks for sharing it.

[January]

Ry,

Not one syllable of this post is silly. I am so glad you have such an awesome best friend and even happier that she is your mother.

What a wonderful, special person she is. The very fact you stood and faced life with each other is a testament of your love.

(((((((((((((((((((((((Mom)))))))))))))))))))))))))))
((((((((((((((((((((((Ryan))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[h0kie]

Not silly at all Ryan. You have a relationship with your mom similar to my relationship with my mom. She is truly my best friend. I can tell her anything.

I know why you're excited to have her visit. I am the same when I get to spend time with my mom. (((((Ryan))))) So glad you are getting to enjoy time with your mom.

[Eva1nder]

(((((Ryan))))))

Thanks so much for sharing that.

How special the relationship you and your mom obviously share. I can definately relate to things that were said between you and your mom.

I have a son and I'm a single mom. I have often thought of writing to my son now and this just nudged me to do so.

Again ty so much for sharing that

((Ryan & your mom))

((((((((((sometimes))))))))))

thank you for that.

Ry

((((((((((Susan))))))))))

Why are you so supportive? Who the hell cares. You are wonderful. Thank you for everything.

Ry

((((((((((Jan))))))))))

Thanks Jan. You have been so supportive of me and I couldn't ask for a better friend. So much love my dear friend.

Ry

((((((((((Erin))))))))))

I'm so glad that you have that with your mom too. It's wonderful to have someone that you can share everything with.

Ry

((((((((((Eva))))))))))

I am so happy that you and your son are developing this kind of relationship. I obviously can relate to the position your son is in. It's wonderful that you're writing to your son. He'll most definately love it when you're feelings are poured out like that and he can see them years down the line. Take care sweetie.

Ry

[kimmydawn]

((((((((((((((((((((( ryan ))))))))))))))))))))))

how special is that? no wonder you're such a special and unique man. i'm so glad that she gave this to you, even though it's bittersweet at the moment, you'll soon see all the sweet with very little bitter...that's my prayer for your healing.

be safe, oh prince. my prince.

kd

from one who couldn't tell her mother anything.....i'm way impressed with you and your mother!!! xoxo pat

[cocoa]

((((((((((((((((((((((( Ryan ))))))))))))))))))))))

Thanks for sharing with us something so special.

Jacqui

((((((((((((((((((((Kimmy))))))))))))))))))))

You're absolutely right Kimmy. Each early memory is full of every emotion in the spectrum. And because of that sad childhood, I was a rough child to tame. I'm not sure how my mom kept me from screwing my life up, but she sure did. If she hadn't been everything she is, I'd be dead or in jail.

Ry

I'm so sorry for that Pat. I hope that I didn't rub it in your face. But ya know what? You're wonderful.

Ry

((((((((((Cocoa))))))))))

Thank you for reading it and offering your kind words. I was a little "eh" about posting it, but now I'm glad I did.

Ry