[CantFindLove]

I will first start by apologizing for the length of this post. I actually have much more to say, but I'd need 4 more posts to explain it all. So please feel free to ask questions and I'll happily answer.

So here it goes ........

I've been dating a guy for 7 months now and yet I still can't get a handle on things. I know if I use the phrase "how do I get the upper hand" you all will jump on me because that isn't the way to behave in a serious ADULT relationship. I love this guy, yet I can't ever win with him. My sister says he's a controler and a narcissist. Control, yes. Narcissist, no. Not a single friend I have, who I have told about the situation, has said that I should stay with this guy. But I keep thinking (foolishly perhaps?) that he is a good guy, that everything he does is a put-on because he's been hurt in the past (he told me again today that when we have problems it make him "gun shy".) These problems, I need to add, have mostly been caused by him, because he has all these exes in his life. He has said "don't hurt me" repeatedly and that he doesn't want to be hurt or rejected - but if he loved me, like he has told me, why not call when we've had a problem or work harder? He seems to just retreat.

Anyway, then I start to think that maybe I'm just making excuses for him. We've even talked about this very thing - and he even basically admitted that he does the "play it cool" thing - and that the girls have RUN after him, which I believe because I know I've been running after him, but I don't think it is because he plays it cool so much as I found something in him that I care about, and I've told him this and yet I still think he wants me to chase him and believe the "tough guy" act is what he needs to do. He has an ego for sure. When I told him today that I stay with him because I love him, when I KNOW I can find someone else who I don't have to jump through so many hoops for, I ALWAYS get a reply like "Me, too". I'm NOT trying to make this a competition, but he has always let me know how "popular" he is. Why is that necessary? He made our relationship sort of a tit for tat thing when *I* never started it! AND then he brought trust issue into the relationship, too (always saying when the phone rang "is that your other boyfriend?". ALWAYS thinking I was cheating when I did EVERYTHING to prove I wasn't (and I wasn't). I NEVER had trust issues with my last boyfriend. But with this guy .... Yet, when he is being sweet, he will tell me he doesn't want any of the other girls anymore. He only wants me. He has mentioned a number of times that he wants me in his life forever, that he wants to marry me, etc. But then my friends pipe in that he is "all talk, no action" and "stringing me along" and "telling me what he thinks I want to hear" and so on. He has a definite issue with my friends (and I *think* he had this same problem with the friends of the last girl he dated, who he asked to marry him and then he found out she cheated and they called off the wedding FOUR DAYS before it was to take place). He HATED her friends, and it seems similar to how he feels about mine. I haven't blamed him, considering what happened, and yet he does not chase me AT ALL (and I am a really sweet, giving, honest, loving - and yes, pretty - girl. Again, I don't NEED to chase him. I can find someone. Yet I don't think that registers with him). I am the one going to him and fixing things. He has told me he needs this from me. But HELLO? What about what I need? He has had TWO marriages (one at 18 and one at 40) and at least TWO (if not more) failed engagements. And yet I KNOW for a fact that he has this attitude like most of it wasn't his fault, that he got cheated on numerous times and that because he had - AT ONE TIME - been a "nice" guy, he got thrown to the wolves. He said he used to give women everything & kept getting hurt. I guess that's when he discovered his inner James Dean and "plays it cool" AT ALL TIMES. Even now, 7 months later, I feel like he is still somewhat playing it cool, being sort of hard - even when I cry. He CLAIMS (when asked) that he's cried when we've broken up, but I never seen ANY of this when we get back together (which is usually initiated by me). My sister says that I've created a monster now, going after him. I remember when we were a bit newer to each other that he emailed me a few times - always VERY cool, of course. But recently, it has been me. And if you knew about this last incident, you'd wonder why ...

So to continue ... He's had LOTS (and I mean LOTS) of girlfriends. This has always bothered me. I've had only a few boyfriends, and once its over, its OVER. He, on the other hand, seems to talk to several of his exes - including an ex WIFE and an ex FIANCEE. They were all on his Facebook page too! (which he claimed he deleted and I came to find out it had just been "deactivated"). All these girlfriends make me wonder WHY he has had so many and why *I* think I will be anyone remotely special.

As for what happened most recently - after being SCRUPULOUSLY honest with him about telling him if the whole ONE ex boyfriend I've had in recent years has called or emailed, I find out he and his EX FIANCE are still talking and texting. He's actually told her about what he and I are doing! Are you kidding? WHAT is THAT about? And this is now THREE YEARS after the relationship is over (and if you recall what I said above, she CHEATED ON HIM and the wedding was called off FOUR DAYS before they were to be married). He says he had no feelings for her whatsoever and that never goes back with exes. But he sees no problem in talking to them. WHAT? He tells me she (the cheat) has had a boyfriend for two years now - but somehow I doubt HER boyfriend knows she and my boyfriend are talking - or how they exchanged CHRISTMAS presents just this past Christmas. Someone PLEASE (PLEASE) explains this to me.

So how did I find out about all this you ask? A few weeks ago, he gave me his password. I thought it was to his email (he tells me that SUPPOSEDLY it was just for me to check his Facebook account. I don't recall him using those words). Anyway, about two months ago he also gave me the code to his blackberry. I never looked but then we had an incident a while back - where he was sure another guy was calling me - I allowed him to look through my phone. Then, two weeks later, I thought "if he can do it, so can I". So I looked, and I saw some numbers where it didn't show a name. I wrote some of them down - especially one number that called THREE TIMES on a SUNDAY NIGHT (this was not the ex fiancee, but ANOTHER ex I came to find out just a week ago - one who I ALSO just found out called his house TOO). I let it go. I've NEVER had trust issues, but he was the one who started me down this road. Anyway, two weeks ago I decide to check his email (and soon found out that EVERY single thing he has is under the SAME password). That is how I found out this OTHER number showing up on his blackberry - AND his home phone - was the ex fiancee. He swore up & down that there is NOTHING between the 2 of them, that he only wants me, that he knows I'm a good thing (he has even spoken about marriage). But I no longer know what to think. I found myself going back TO HIM (rather than HIM coming to ME, as it should have been). He told me the reason he hadn't called during that week we were broken up(which, btw, just happened recently) is that he was sure I wouldn't see him or go back w/him. But why not even try? He "SAID" it was his fear of rejection. I just don't know where to go from here. For some reason I love the guy.

Anyway, I end up going to him a week later. I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep. I was devastated. NEVER in the entire time we were going out did I think FOR ONE MOMENT that he was talking to his ex fiancee!!! So a week went by with no contact from him. I realize that he was probably ticked too (as I went through his email accounts and several other things) but HE was the one who LIED. HE was the one blithely letting ME tell HIM if my ex contacted me while HE is saying NOTHING to me when his ex calls. I was told by EVERY PERSON I KNOW to end it, to not go to him, to let him come to me. But - perhaps stupidly - I went to his house one week later. I had a few pieces of his clothing. I put them in a bag and went to his house at night. He opened the door, not showing much of anything (whereas I would have thrown myself into his arms had he come to me). Twice, he asked me to come in. I did on the second time. We talked (I cried, of course. He did not. Just sat calmly on the couch). To cut to the chase, we ended up getting back together. But the doubts and upset continued. Barely two days after we were back together, I was at his house, he was asleep, I went into the kitchen for some water and I see his phone. I had no intention of touching it, but the hurt and suspicion was still so strong in me.

Suffice to say, on the day I had the problem with him, he sent a text to the ex-fiancee, telling her what happened. And this CHEATING B**CH had the nerve to call ME a psycho and a nutcase. While I did appear at the bf's house VERY late (in the wee hours of the morning) on the day I found out that he had been lying to me, I only did it because I was so hurt. Then my boyfriend texts her back "I was looking for a way out anyway ..."

ONCE MORE, I was punched in the face. I woke him up ... and he gets angry and stupid me is trying to soothe HIM! When it should have been vice versa. He claimed that he only texted her to "warn" her I may do something, and that he made that comment because he was so furious with me, that he didn't mean a word of it. I told him - several times since then - that if he really wants a way out, he can just tell me. He told me, no, he didn't want a way out, that he loves me and wants a life with me. He even told me this past Saturday (granted, he had some alcohol in him) that he loved me "so much" and to "please not hurt him." He has also told me over and over again to "give it time" and that he is "coming around" and that I "won't regret" staying with him.

I just don't know what to think anymore. PLEASE HELP.

[jerrymichele]

If he is going behind your back, and talking to ex's then this is a BIG RED FLAG. If this was me I would get rid of him. You need to stand up for yourself and let him know that your not going to tolerate his poor behavior. If he really cares and loves you, he will do what is right. When he screws up don't tell him your sorry. Let him come to you. If you don't put him in his place then he's just going to keep doing what he is doing.

[Shangrala]

CFL~
I am so sorry for your situation. I wouldn't wish heartache upon anyone.

Wow! What an ordeal...And from the sounds of it, one that will not benefit you whatsoever.
I have to say though, I am almost willing to bet that his ex didn't cheat on him, (only for him to then have no choice but to cancel the wedding 4 days prior?). Has he provided you any proof to that? Do you REALLY know she cheated on him?

In my opinion, he sounds like a commitmentphobic, and GAWD, do I know that kind, as I, too, went through a 3 year relationship with a man very much like yours you've just described.

You are young, attractive, competent, capable and social. Why would you put yourself through something which is only draining you of your energies?

I have to agree with all those other's who have told you, that you are riding a dead horse with this one. It is only a matter of time until you will reach the point of a numb state, by which may only instill harbored negative results in you, (as he most certainly carries now).

My dad used to have this proverbial story of his own that he used to tell me. After hearing it a couple times throughout my relationship endeavors, (took that many times for it to finally sink in with me), I eventually titled his story as, "The Ugly Shirt Story"..and it goes something like this:

A man with his family went on vacation to Hawaii. There, he found this shirt of the Hawaiian traditional "loud, brightly colorful and quite busy print" shirt. Although his wife and kids asked him not to buy, let alone wear, this rather ugly shirt, he loved it and denied their requests.

There in Hawaii, it was a quite common shirt. And while wearing it there, it didn't attract any unusual attention as he fit right in with the surroundings. However, his family still were able to see how ridiculas he looked in this shirt, and trying to tell him that it was in fact quite ugly, but were still unable to convince him that it just wasn't his style and that he did, in fact, appear out of place.
He thought that it was just his family with their personal opinion about seeing him in something different and that only they thought was ugly. So, naturally, he ignored them.

Even though the shirt may have fit in there and those inlanders were accustom to the tradition of said visually aggressive pattern, they were unable to see how it simply didn't work well on him.

The family returns home from their trip and the man proudly displays the ugly shirt, thinking he was simply "styling", assuming that the looks he was receiving were mere glances of admirations and points of jealousies.

Eventually, he runs into a friend in passing, who immediately greets him with a surprised reaction to his choice of wearing such a shirt.
He says to him, "My Lord! Are you wearing that shirt by choice? It's so ugly!"
"Pishaw", says the man. "This is a genuine Hawaiian shirt. Got on my trip while in Hawaii". (Thinking to himself...What does this guy know, anyway? What is the opinion of just one man?).

He proceeds along his way only to greet a another of his friends who respond in the basic manner.
The friend says, "Time to change shirts, don't ya think? Put on something that isn't so offensive to the eyes. That shirt is so ugly!"
The man responds, "But this shirt was a hit in Hawaii, and it looked so good....I thought." (Telling himself...I think this is a nice shirt. After all, that's only his opinion?).

Stopping to get some coffee, the man runs into yet a third friend who says, "Living boldy, aren't you? I wouldn't be caught dead in that ugly thing, even if I were in Hawaii".
The man now begins to start to take a look at his shirt a little differently, thinking to self, "Maybe this IS an ugly shirt".

The moral to this story: The opinion of one regarding one single thing, can be easily overlooked as a mere single opinion. Whereas the opinion of many regarding one single thing cannot be ignored. There must be truth in the voice of many regarding one single thing.

You have been told by many basically the same single thing about your bf and the situation you are in with him. Therefore, there must be some thruth to what they all say in common. That truth cannot be ignored, no matter how you try to deny or disguise it.

Perhaps you can re-evaluate your situation and ask yourself where you truly do stand in this relationship...AND if this is where you want to be.

From what I can tell, he has absolutely no intentions of changing, and is definately seemingly stringing you along for his own benefit.

There was a quote by a fellow member in one of their threads which stuck with me...
"Treat others how you want to be treated, but at the same time, treat yourself how you want others to treat you".
I feel this statement strongly holds a true sense in this case of yours.

(Pardon the extent of my dad's story...had no idea it would have gone on so long.....Seems shorter when saying it....LOLS).

I wish you the best.
Take care.

Shangrala