Rollercoaster

I have been in a relationship with a woman for 8 - 9 years. Last September she moved out, saying she would come back in a month on the condition we go to counseling. That never happened but in December or January she did reenter my life ... sort of. She controls the relationship tightly. We talk on the phone at specific times, I see her 1 - 3 times a week but she often doesn't return and has stood me up a number of times when we've had plans for a weekend, usually not letting me know until the last moment. She says she loves me but she has a strong aversion to talking about the future or talking about how we might "repair" the relationship. She tells me that as soon as she begins to get close to me she feel the need to back away. She says she is afraid to get too close to people because everyone she has ever cared about has left her. The emotional toll this has taken on me and continues to take is huge. I am frequently depressed and struggling to cope with the ordinary things in life. I still love her and I don't really believe in dropping someone just because they have problems but I feel as if everything I do is counterproductive. I have been seeing a counselor / psychologist for 7 months but it's not enough. I could talk more about the issues in our relationship and as individuals but perhaps this is enough to get started.

Hi zak,

Sounds like you are between a rock and a hard place here. I think it's commendable that you don't want to leave the relationship just because she has some commitment issues and other things too. But, at the same time, you deserve to be happy and to have some say in your relationships. It can't all be one sided.....it's not healthy that way, as you can see.

How is this situation making YOU feel? Are you feeling used? Are you feeling like a puppet who is expected to drop everything and jump when she says so? Are you feeling like you have no control in your life or relationship? Are you beginning to feel resentment towards her? Are you feeling less self esteem and putting yourself down over this?

We have no control over what others do. We do have control over ourselves. I'm thinking that if you can begin to take back some control over your life and feelings, it should help you be able to come to terms and decisions within this relationship to where you feel more comfortable. It may mean cutting off the relationship....it may mean working harder with her to help the relationship and her actually putting forth some effort as well. Whatever it means for you, until you begin the process of taking back some control, you will feel depressed and lost within this situation.

I hope you find some peace very soon. Take good care!


sabby

Sabby,

Thank you for your advice and positive support

I think if she were serious about mending issues, her own or the relationships, she would be in counseling with you....