[ThomasJhn40]

Hello everyone my name is Tom and I am in a bad situation. Let me give you the details. My wife of 23 years has told me she no longer is "in love" with me and has fallen back in love with a man she had a relationship with before she met me 24 years ago. They reconnected through facebook and have had a torrid emotional affair, she has even sent him her underclothing. She really believes he is her one true love and does not want to reconcile with me.

We have had problems over our 23 years but I never realized she was at the point she was. I was unfaithful 19 years ago, a sexual trist, not a relationship and it came out about 15 years ago. She said she has forgiven me but in her heart I don't think she has. I have major anger issues I am getting help with. I grew up with a father whose pet names for me were shithead and stupid and he was extremely angry. He never physically abused me but the emotional and verbal abuse were relentless.

My wife is a stuffer, she keeps the peace at all cost and has not told me how she really feels about things partly because she is afraid of my anger. I have never physically abused her but my anger has been great.

I have also had issues with pornography on and off for several years but currently am not struggling in this area.

My wife is currently the Pastor's secretary at our church and I was the men's ministry leader and I have stepped down. We met with our senior pastor and he advised that I move out because the alternative was my wife was going to an attorney filing for divorce and leaving, quitting her job and abandoning me, and my two adult daughters (19 and 21) who are still at home and going to college.

I have promised to deal with my issues, and have. I am in anger managements classes, have seen a psychiatrist, am on anti-depressents and seeing a counselor. My wife has promised to start to try to get counseling but has not taken the step yet. A counselor from our church is ready and waiting to counselor when she is. Our Pastor has also told us the church would send us to Emerge ministries where they will help deal with all of our issues but my wife is not ready to take that step yet.

So here I am, seperated from my wife of 23 years who looked at me yesterday and I could tell she feels nothing for me right now. I have been forced out of my home and I feel she is going through the motions so she can file for a divorce and leave. She said she wants her heart and mind back and she can't have that with me. Is there hope? I need a miracle.

[sweetypie]

hi tom

sorry you are going through such a difficult situation.

my initial reaction whenever i hear of divorce in a long marriage, is to hope the couple goes for counseling. however, in my personal situation, the counseling was a joke. the problem being, the fact that i was the only one who wanted to save the marriage - my husband had already made up his mind.

counseling will only work if BOTH of you want to save the marriage. even then, it may not be successful, if there are just some issues from the past that cannot be reconciled. however, you have a chance at least, if both of you make the effort.

it is positive that you have involved your minister, and have his support and guidance. you are doing all the right things, it sounds like, with your anger mgmt classes, counseling, etc. that is good, for you, no matter what the outcome of your marriage.

because of your daughters, and your long history together, i really hope you are able to reconcile with your wife. i know this is so painful. it is devastating to hear from your spouse that they know longer love you. i have heard these words and it took months of shock and grief, before i could truly process the situation. so i do understand the kind of pain you are in, and i wish you the very best.

[dotbar]

Tom;

I'm sorry for your suffering. I would tell you to try to wait it out although there are no guarantees of course. I have been married for 27 years and 2 years ago I told my husband I was thinking of leaving him. At the time I was having an affair which lasted 2 1/2 years but came to nothing in the end. I didn't tell my husband about the affair though he may suspect. I just told him after it ended (badly) that I was no longer leaving. Now I am in the process of recovering from the affair and moving on in my marriage. I had reached a point where I felt like this was my last chance to make any major changes in my life and I thought I wanted a different life including a new man. In hind site, I find that I CAN change my life without changing husbands (and anyway, another one just comes with different problems anyways so why bother starting over...) Maybe if you can give your wife room, this infatuation will play itself out as well.

[Catherine2]

Hello Tom,
I applaud your honesty in your post; it took courage for you to share openly.
It's a hard position you are in right now and I can only imagine how painful it must be for you.

Jmo, of course, but perhaps giving your wife some space right now may be a good idea for both of you. From what I understood, you are making every effort to change some things that have hurt your marriage. It shows your willingness to try and I think it's commendable.

It's hard for me to understand why your wife would tell you she sent this man her undies...payback of some kind in order to hurt or anger you comes to mind.

There are so many past issues that need to be addressed with a qualified therapist, and I hope you can find one that both of you will be comfortable with...
It may be hard for your wife to share since she has "stuffed" her feelings out of fear for so long, but hopefully she will give it a try.
Patience will have to be a two way street, and honored while the other works through their feelings.
Your daughters may also benefit from some type of counseling, it's as confusing at their ages as it would be if they were younger.
It's so important not to put them in the middle or make them choose between you and your wife.

A miracle? Perhaps.
If it does happen it will be from you and your wife going to counseling, being fair and honest with each other, and also listening--really listening--to what the other is sharing...

Best wishes,

Catherine

[spiritual_emergency]

Tom: Is there hope? I need a miracle.

Hello Tom,
I will tell you a story I read several years ago that always stayed with me.

The story was about a man and a woman who met in the online environment. For several weeks or months they exchanged many email messages. As a result, they made an emotional connection that deepened to the extent they both felt madly in love with one another. I can't recall if either person was married at the time, what I do recall is the woman's account of finally meeting the "man of her dreams". It went badly. In fact, they couldn't communicate at all. In fact, he kept leaving her presence so he could go to his computer and write to her. This was because he wasn't really in love with her -- he was in love with his idea of who she was. In Jungian terms, we might say she served as the screen for his anima. In your wife's case, her long-distance interest may serve as a screen for her animus projection.

Animus Projection: The unindividuated woman identifies with those personal qualities that are symbolically feminine; she develops these potentialities and to some extent integrates their unconcious influences into her conscious personality. However, she does not recognize qualities that are symbolically masculine as part of her own personality but rather projects them onto men. She will project her animus—those particular characteristics and potentialities that are significant components of her personal unconscious and therefore carry a special emotional charge—onto a few men for whom she will then feel a strong and compelling emotion (usually positive but occasionally negative). Infatuation (an instant, powerful attraction for a man about whom she knows little) is one of the signs of animus projection, as is a compulsive possessiveness.

Source: Myths, Dreams, Symbols

Is there hope? I believe so. There's hope because at one point in time you and your wife loved each other enough to commit to building a life together. You created a family together. You've shared a long and complex history that cannot be recreated with anyone else. It's also possible that your wife is merely in love with a fantasy image that will not be able to stand up to the test of reality.

A site I've recommended to others in your position is this one: marriagebuilders.com There are a number of free articles and exercises there that can assist couples in crisis. You may want to share that site with your wife and let her know you'd like her to join you in exploring it.

Meantime, it sounds to me as if you want your wife back. You may find that your old marriage dies in this process but sometimes, people can rebuild on the ashes.

If you love your wife, I suggest you tell her. If you are sorry for the things that have occurred in the past, I suggest you tell her. If you don't want to end your marriage, I suggest you tell her.

Here's a few other suggestions for you -- take them or leave them as you see fit.

#1: If there is a spare bedroom in the house, renegotiate your move-out. Move into the spare room instead. (Yes, you can change your mind during times of crisis particularly once you have looked at the cost of maintaining two separate residences for any length of time.) Your wife might be more agreeable to that arrangement if you told her it would be for a limited time frame, perhaps 30-90 days. This will acknowledge your split yet still keep you on the scene where you will serve as a constant reminder that -- yes, she really is considering ending her marriage to the father of her children so she can go live with another man who is a stranger to them.

#2: During this time of "separation" I suggest you resist speaking directly to your wife. Instead, write her. Why? Because that's what he's doing and something in the intimacy of those written conversations managed to capture her interest. Reverting to written communication at this time also allows you to step back from an emotionally volatile situation so you can better compose yourself before responding to anything she has said -- tempting as it may be, this would not be a good time to lose your temper. In addition, written communications will provide a record of the conversations that occur between you at this time. This may become useful, particularly if any agreements have been made in regard to legal issues.

#3: You need to see a lawyer so you can prepare yourself for the possible legalities that will arise if your marriage actually does come to a close.

#4: Maintain your connection to your children. Unless your wife has been visibly unhappy for an extended period or there has been gross abuse or neglect, your children will likely side with you. Most children, regardless of their ages do not want their parents to divorce. Resist the urge to use this against your wife or your children. As much as possible, take the high road in your interactions with them.

#5: Invite your wife to join you in counseling/therapy but continue to go yourself even if she declines your offer.

#6: Seek out friends and family members (not your children or in-laws) who can offer you connection and emotional support.

#7: Seek out places where you can safely vent. Online sources can be especially good for this because it allows you to preserve your anonymity and to find other people who are going through an experience similar to your own.

I'm sorry that you're going through this painful state. Best of luck to you and your family.

~ Namaste

.

[Rmdctc]

I am so sorry you are going through this. I have been through two divorces with my mom and know how hard it can be. I hope you can stay together with your wife. Good luck on working it out and be patient.

[shezbut]

Tom

You are doing a terrific job. I see a lot of strength in you by having the confidence to post what you did. It's wonderful that you are able to admit that you haven't behaved perfectly (btw~ none of us do) and take responsibility for mistakes.

I think that the separation could be very helpful for you and your wife. I would encourage you to continue working upon yourself. As you continue to make progress, your wife will certainly notice the differences. Hopefully, she will go into therapy soon to work through resentment and other repressed emotions. As you both progress individually, marital counseling will then begin to help.

I really hope that you are both able to work through the issues soon, and begin to grow as a couple again soon. Try to be patient. Remain faithful. Try not to become loving too soon with your wife ~ take it slowly. Very best wishes to you!

Shez