[PinkCloud]

I posted this on another relationship forum, but I didn't get much advice out of it. I'm hoping here will be better!
----

First off, I'll admit my age - I'm 21, and I've been with my fiance, who's 23, for over five years now. He's of course the ol' high school sweet heart, and granted we've had our problems, we never really broke up, we always managed to work through them.

We've been living together for close to two years now, there's no financial struggle and we were finally getting things ironed out for our wedding at the end of this year. I thought everything was fine, we haven't had any serious arguments, but today I was hit with the worst news in my life.

For the past month, he's been saying in appropriate things to my 14-year-old sister and her best friend over Facebook. He's been saying my sister is turning out to be "hot like her big sister." She played it off as just a compliment and didn't report it right away. Two days ago, her friend showed her a log she'd been keeping (it's only a week or so long) about how he's also complimented her, saying she looks "really hot" in certain outfits with lace, etc. She reminded him that he's 'seeing' someone, but he used the 'we've bee fighting a lot' card to keep talking to her. I guess she finally gets creeped out and shows my sister who then shows me AND our parents.

The extent of their messaging, from what I could read without breaking down in tears, was things like he "wishes to hold her" and "he'd date her in a heart beat, if the circumstances were differnet." I'm a little upset that my sister's friend didn't approach someone about this sooner since it's been going on for a few weeks, but being she's young, I can't blame her.

We confront him, he breaks down crying and admits that he may have a problem. He also says that he didn't think about consequences before hand nor the fact that she was 14. I keep trying to figure out if he has an attraction to young girls, which he's denied, or if he was honestly 'losing himself' over the computer. Never in a million years did I see this coming. Was I dating a pedophile for five years? I'm so hurt and confused that he'd scare my sister and her friend like this - what do I do? He said he'd get help, and even went to schedule an appointment with a therapist today, but will that even help him? I know I must choose family first in a relationship like this, yet that reality alone hurts me even more.

My question is this: Do I help him get counseling and try to reconcile if he's so sincere, or just dump him all together? My father has been the most understanding, where as my mother believes I should 'do what's right,' whatever that is. She believes in the 'once a cheater, always a cheater' thing. Ending our five year relationship would honestly kill me, but the betrayal has been haunting me for a good 48 hours now. My sister seems to be acting like everything is fine, and I haven't seen the friend he talked to.

[Rhapsody]

Originally Posted by PinkCloud

Ending our five year relationship would honestly kill me.

I promise you that you will not die.... but you might feel like for a short while.

Question:
How will you feel if you go ahead and marry him and he rapes your sister or molest the daughter you may have together?

I ask this not to hurt you any more than you are already suffering, but to bring the reality of what can (will) happen if this man does not get help and remain clean for five years or more, and even that is not a guarantee that he will not act upon the sexual fantasies he is having.

SORRY ------ Run

I feel if you feel ANY doubts it's better to bale out.

[Peppermint_Patty]

Hi PinkCloud,

Originally Posted by PinkCloud

I posted this on another relationship forum, but I didn't get much advice out of it. I'm hoping here will be better!
----

First off, I'll admit my age - I'm 21, and I've been with my fiance, who's 23, for over five years now. He's of course the ol' high school sweet heart, and granted we've had our problems, we never really broke up, we always managed to work through them.

We've been living together for close to two years now, there's no financial struggle and we were finally getting things ironed out for our wedding at the end of this year. I thought everything was fine, we haven't had any serious arguments, but today I was hit with the worst news in my life.

For the past month, he's been saying in appropriate things to my 14-year-old sister and her best friend over Facebook. He's been saying my sister is turning out to be "hot like her big sister." She played it off as just a compliment and didn't report it right away. Two days ago, her friend showed her a log she'd been keeping (it's only a week or so long) about how he's also complimented her, saying she looks "really hot" in certain outfits with lace, etc. She reminded him that he's 'seeing' someone, but he used the 'we've bee fighting a lot' card to keep talking to her. I guess she finally gets creeped out and shows my sister who then shows me AND our parents.

The extent of their messaging, from what I could read without breaking down in tears, was things like he "wishes to hold her" and "he'd date her in a heart beat, if the circumstances were differnet." I'm a little upset that my sister's friend didn't approach someone about this sooner since it's been going on for a few weeks, but being she's young, I can't blame her.

We confront him, he breaks down crying and admits that he may have a problem. He also says that he didn't think about consequences before hand nor the fact that she was 14. I keep trying to figure out if he has an attraction to young girls, which he's denied, or if he was honestly 'losing himself' over the computer. Never in a million years did I see this coming. Was I dating a pedophile for five years? I'm so hurt and confused that he'd scare my sister and her friend like this - what do I do? He said he'd get help, and even went to schedule an appointment with a therapist today, but will that even help him? I know I must choose family first in a relationship like this, yet that reality alone hurts me even more.

My question is this: Do I help him get counseling and try to reconcile if he's so sincere, or just dump him all together? My father has been the most understanding, where as my mother believes I should 'do what's right,' whatever that is. She believes in the 'once a cheater, always a cheater' thing. Ending our five year relationship would honestly kill me, but the betrayal has been haunting me for a good 48 hours now. My sister seems to be acting like everything is fine, and I haven't seen the friend he talked to.

Legally speaking, the term "pedophile" is defined as anyone who engages in sexual activity with a minor who is below the age of consent, which typically is age 16 in the USA.

So... with all that being said... your boyfriend's behavior is completely inexcusable and illegal!!! .

Also... even if your sister was age 16 but younger than 18, he could still be prosecuted for statutory rape. Furthermore... if your sister happened to be older than 18... well that would be legal at that age, but he still would be a cheater.

So in regard to your question of "should he stay or should he go?"... If I were you, I would dump this guy ASAP and move on.

Your only 21... so kick this guy to curb...and go get yourself a decent BF who has better values and better judgment. Don't waste your time on this loser.

I know you were planning a wedding with this guy, but you still got plenty of time for all that. Get rid of him and move on with your life and find someone else.

Good luck to you....

[jerrymichele]

Sorry that this is really hard for you. I would go with what your mom tells you. I wouldn't really think the issue is about the cheating so much. I would say it's because it's the young girls. What is really more disturbing is it was your sister, and her friend. Also, he is clearly saying that he has a problem if he is going to counseling. It might be hard, but this is one man I would let go. If your not so sure than I would say go to counseling with him just to find out what is going on in his mind.

[AAAAA]

Wow, I can't even imagine what your parents are thinking, he certainly would no longer be welcome in my home. Best case senerio he makes everyone uncomfortable. May have a problem? He did know the child's age did he not? That is definately a problem.

You have two choices, leave and get on with your life (hard at first but easier in the long run) or stay and suffer for years never knowing when (not if) he does it again, maybe the 'child' will respond next time and you will be dealing with a sexual issue as well.

Trust me the second option will cause you far more pain than the first will.

[Rmdctc]

In all honesty that would have freaked me out big time if he was my soon to be husband. I would say to break up and just be honest with him that it freaked you out too much. Good luck and let us know what you do!

[Shangrala]

PC~

This is a tough situation, indeed.
Apparently, he does have a problem and is seeking help for it.
You love him, that is obvious.
I somewhat disagree with your mom about the "once a cheater, always a cheater" theory. People always have the opportunities to change, especially with dedicated effort. And with your bf also being so young, he has much time ahead of him to obtain just that...change.

Perhaps, what you can do is provide him that time to change. Distance yourself from him during this time to allow him the space to change. And to see if he is genuine about changing. There is always hope and if he wants this for himself, then he will obtain it. The only contact, IF any, that I would have with him is perhaps that of support for him getting himself counselling....anything outside of that...NONE.

If he gets himself the necessary help that he so needs, and can prove to you that he has overcome this issue, then you have assisted this young man to a much better quality of life as well as saved him and many young girls some possibly serious consequences from his actions.

Meanwhile, keep your distance, if not for the sake of your own self (as a means of preparing yourself in case he doesn't change), then as a means for your sister and her friends.

I can only imagine the devistation and embarrassment this has caused you, as well as the uneasiness for your sister and friends. However, you also need to set an example for your sister and her friends, that this kind of behavior cannot and will not be tolerated by anyone.

I'm so sorry for this happening. But there is always hope for change. And sometimes some of us need someone to be that lil bit of extra encouragement to obtain the help we need. Let him know that there may still be hope between the two of you, but he must first get that help that he needs AND overcome that issue.

I understand the fear and disgust that your mother must be feeling, yet at the same time I feel anyone should be given a chance to change before abandoning as a resort.
It's a tough call to make on this. When children are involved, so many other issues take presidence.

I wish you the best. And hope that your bf does get the help he so needs.

Take care~

Shangrala

Imagine your sister or her friend didnt say anything in fact if her friend didnt then would your sister ? I was your sister and I was scared to say anything in case no one believed me as my brother in law was so loved by the whole family.....

Spose he went on to 'groom' her ? I think he was stopped just in time and its a red flag to you and your family to steer clear.

As for changing ? He just came on to two 14 year olds ! Thats disgusting and no room for change in my book.

sorry was a duplicate posting.....

[Jenn1fer82]

I feel that what you need to do is let him be responsible for himself and let him get through this alone. If he think he has a problem with computer use, young girls, cheating etc then he needs to figure it out on his own. He has his own support group such as his own friends and family to get through something like this. You don't need to take on his problem and make it your very own. You need to take out this time to take better care of yourself and care for the betrayal that you're feeling. Don't be consumed with him right now and help yourself with sorting out the emotions. You may have spent 5 years with him but do you want to spend the rest of your life with the wrong man. Take care of yourself and find a more positive support then what he can actually give you. You dont owe him anything after what he's done to you.

Originally Posted by PinkCloud

I posted this on another relationship forum, but I didn't get much advice out of it. I'm hoping here will be better!
----

First off, I'll admit my age - I'm 21, and I've been with my fiance, who's 23, for over five years now. He's of course the ol' high school sweet heart, and granted we've had our problems, we never really broke up, we always managed to work through them.

We've been living together for close to two years now, there's no financial struggle and we were finally getting things ironed out for our wedding at the end of this year. I thought everything was fine, we haven't had any serious arguments, but today I was hit with the worst news in my life.

For the past month, he's been saying in appropriate things to my 14-year-old sister and her best friend over Facebook. He's been saying my sister is turning out to be "hot like her big sister." She played it off as just a compliment and didn't report it right away. Two days ago, her friend showed her a log she'd been keeping (it's only a week or so long) about how he's also complimented her, saying she looks "really hot" in certain outfits with lace, etc. She reminded him that he's 'seeing' someone, but he used the 'we've bee fighting a lot' card to keep talking to her. I guess she finally gets creeped out and shows my sister who then shows me AND our parents.

The extent of their messaging, from what I could read without breaking down in tears, was things like he "wishes to hold her" and "he'd date her in a heart beat, if the circumstances were differnet." I'm a little upset that my sister's friend didn't approach someone about this sooner since it's been going on for a few weeks, but being she's young, I can't blame her.

We confront him, he breaks down crying and admits that he may have a problem. He also says that he didn't think about consequences before hand nor the fact that she was 14. I keep trying to figure out if he has an attraction to young girls, which he's denied, or if he was honestly 'losing himself' over the computer. Never in a million years did I see this coming. Was I dating a pedophile for five years? I'm so hurt and confused that he'd scare my sister and her friend like this - what do I do? He said he'd get help, and even went to schedule an appointment with a therapist today, but will that even help him? I know I must choose family first in a relationship like this, yet that reality alone hurts me even more.

My question is this: Do I help him get counseling and try to reconcile if he's so sincere, or just dump him all together? My father has been the most understanding, where as my mother believes I should 'do what's right,' whatever that is. She believes in the 'once a cheater, always a cheater' thing. Ending our five year relationship would honestly kill me, but the betrayal has been haunting me for a good 48 hours now. My sister seems to be acting like everything is fine, and I haven't seen the friend he talked to.