[everywhereanywhere]

I am confused as of where to post. Its more of a relationship issue or depression I have no clue where to put this.

Seven months ago I was left by my boyfriend of 4 years. after the break up he moved on quickly we were on a break for a month and he would play on my emotions much like during our relationship. it took a long time to realize that maybe the breakup wasn't all my fault. I constantly blamed myself for everything i tried to figure things out i tried to make sense but i just couldn't let go. I started dating a month after trying to make my self better I guess I tried online dating and dating people I knew. I never felt okay I always compared them to him. The first time I actually started to like someone we went on a date kissed and other things ( i'm sure this is another issue too) and then days after he stopped talking to me. others after him either I didn't like or they didn't like me. but i wasn't as interested in them and I still kept comparing them anyway. I also felt emptiness and sad constantly like i would never be good enough for anyone. Then I met a couple other guys and stayed in contact with them. One guy I met up with and things seems okay he was nice, cute, smart, charming. We went on two other dates ended up together. However a week after agreeing to be his girlfriend I started to see things I didn't like. Things that should never be issues like career or how nice he was to me and how much he cared about me.
When we got to the month mark I realized I still felt something off about how I felt. So i contacted my ex and apologized for being "the worst" girlfriend and making him miserable. It was finally then that he said he didn't exactly treat me right and that he was sorry for constantly making me feel like everything was my fault when in reality I was an amazing person and things just didn't go as planned .
After that I felt bad again for a bit and then made peace with it.
The guy I am or was dating (we shall call him Mr. A.H) he noticed I am not 100% happy with him or in general. He told me he would stick around to talk and be friends and maybe date again ( that option is still on table) but that I should try seeing others and see if maybe it is just I want something I am not finding or if it really was that I just needed closure.
So given the freedom to search I did and I met a guy that made me feel amazing I never thought about my ex again when I spoke to him. He gave me butterflies and then we decided to take a trip to Chicago together and meet up there. We did things and had three days of fun and sightseeing and everything. through this time i kept in contact with Mr. A.H letting him know i was okay and hoped he was too. the new guy ill call him (Mr. Military) was charming and awesome and made me feel like everything and anything was possible. when we got back to NY from Chicago though we spoke the Monday after he still seemed interested and then we didn't talk that night. Then the following Tuesday he apologized for the lack of conversation night before and that he was in hospital . We spoke details through text then nothing after that. I tried to wait a while and i texted that I was confused I thought everything went well and that if he was interested to text me . I never got a text.. After the similar feeling of not being worth it or not being okay came back. I felt terrible because Mr. A.H was awesome I only didn't feel right because in some area of my head he lacked something that either I wanted or have of an idea of what I want. mostly terrible because I had a good guy and then I left for another and that turn out terrible . I got back on the site and I am on now trying to talk to others but now I feel like I constantly think about what I felt with Mr. Military and how that is something I want. I ended up meeting with Mr. A.H and talking and having dinner and trying to have fun. he always appreciates time with me but this time I felt sad, angry at myself because I was hanging out with him thinking of everything else what I want how Mr. Military met those wants how my ex did and how it may be possible I just like guys who make me feel good and then don't or who have a strong attitude and nonchalant way of thinking.

I want to figure myself out and find out why I cant have a happy relationship with someone even if they are a good person and don't have the job I think they should or because they are too nice to me or care too much. I still feel this empty place in my head like I want love and I want to be happy again in a relationship. I don't know if that is bad or good or how to fix it. But I don't want to hurt anyone I have been hurt enough to know it sucks.
What should i do ?

[lightinthesky]

I feel your pain because I was also in 4 years relationship and was left by my bf, it's been 5 months and I am still recovering - it is very hard and I chose not to look for anyone. I also feel that I am not good enough for anybody, maybe this feeling we get is because we were left by a man we loved, man we wanted to be with, man who was good for us. I don't even know how to go back to dating and how you did it.. If you know how it feels when someone hurts you then please, don't do it to others, if you don't feel for Mr. A.H then tell him so he knows about it, if you don't feel it now then you won't feel it later.
I wish I could give you a better advice but this is all I can say, maybe you also need to stop for a while and be happy oh your own.

[everywhereanywhere]

Originally Posted by lightinthesky

I feel your pain because I was also in 4 years relationship and was left by my bf, it's been 5 months and I am still recovering - it is very hard and I chose not to look for anyone. I also feel that I am not good enough for anybody, maybe this feeling we get is because we were left by a man we loved, man we wanted to be with, man who was good for us. I don't even know how to go back to dating and how you did it.. If you know how it feels when someone hurts you then please, don't do it to others, if you don't feel for Mr. A.H then tell him so he knows about it, if you don't feel it now then you won't feel it later.
I wish I could give you a better advice but this is all I can say, maybe you also need to stop for a while and be happy oh your own.

I have thought about that a lot being on my own to be honest when I come up to it I think about how when I am alone I am not happy I stay home don't go out even with my friends I go out for a few hours then rush to get home. With mr. A.H i can talk to him about anything honestly when we started talking things at home were terrible and he was there even now through this time where I can figure out what I want or whats wrong with me or if I am the reason for why I cant find a good guy or accepting that my ex wasn't good for me he listens and cares its just when hes too nice it turns me away