[hannabee]

I want to make a huge change in my life. I am needed by my daughter to take care of my only grandchild while she goes back to school. It entails me moving 2000 miles from my husband of 32 years. I would take about 6 months. He could come with us but I know that he won't. He wants to stay where he is because it is more comfortable and better for him. He obviously cares more about himself than his daughter. I keep asking him why he had children. No answer.
So where do I find the courage to tell him I'm doing this and if he wants a divorce, he can get one. I am 61 he is 70. This is going to be the hardest thing I have ever done. Can anyone offer me some advice? Thanks for reading.

[healingme4me]

It sounds frustrating, that he isn't willing to move from his home. Is divorce, the only solution, to your going to help your daughter and grandchild?

Have there been other marital struggles, leading up to your impending departure?

[hannabee]

I guess I will find out if that is what he wants. I don't want that, but so be it, should it happen. I wrote him a letter trying to explain that family was everything to me, maybe when he reads it, a light will go on or something. We get along okay, there have been small issues, I suppose. He has never been the complacent type. He is a work a holic, always has been, thinking back. Am I crazy here??? I was a good Mom, it was all I ever really did, except for some part-time work. I just can't abandon my daughter to do this on her own (her husband is military). Nor do I want to!!!!

[0w6c379]

Why is divorce coming up at all? Why don't you just go to be with your daughter to help her and tell your husband you'll see him in 6 months? It's his choice not to go. I don't interpret his not going with you as not loving his family. Can't he love all of you and stay where he is? I don't think this has to be the end of a 32 yr marriage (unless you are looking for a reason to get out).

[hannabee]

Ummmm...Im afraid I've already been away helping her for the last 6 months. I was able to go home tho, as we are only an hour away at this point. He is already upset with what I am doing. No I'm not looking for a way out, I am done with love relationships...I don't want or need another one at this point in my life. I really hope is he does just agree that I am going and doesn't want a divorce....my problem is telling him. He is going to yell at me and be angry. Childhood issues make this very scary!

[unaluna]

I dont understand why your daughter expects you to follow her as she follows her husband? Youre going to lose the security of your house, the life youve built there, to go someplace else for 6 months? Then what? Why cant she just get day care like everyone else? I dont see a plan for you in her life, necessarily. What does your son-in-law think of you moving? Im just confused.

[danvb]

I dunno... I'm confused. Are you doing this for your daughter or are you doing this for yourself?

I love my daughter dearly, but there is no way that I would uproot myself and my wife and move 2000 miles across the country to provide day care for my grandchild. I'm sorry, but in my books, that's completely over-the-top and irresponsible. My daughter is a big girl and is responsible for her own life. That includes taking responsibility for figuring out how to make things work when conditions are less than ideal. It's a part of growing up and learning to be an adult. What would she do if grandma and grandpa weren't around to help her out?

If it were up to me and my daughter needed help, I might offer her some assistance in paying for day care, but the idea of moving 2000 miles away from my home so I could take care of my grandchild is completely and utterly ludicrous. I care very deeply for my daughter. But part of my caring is allowing her to stand on her own two feet... Sometimes you have to let your children fail, and as a parent, that's a very hard thing to do. But, I know that I won't always be around, so she needs to learn to take care of herself and to rely on her husband instead of her mom and dad...

Anyway, that's how my wife and I chose to raise our daughter and she's a better person for it.

Dan

[hannabee]

Well, actually she does have a plan for me (and would welcome her Dad) when she gets done with school, we will live in a large home on the east coast. My son-in-law is quite agreeable to it all. He is happy to have his son raised by family. My daughter and I are very close and get along well.
We could close up our home here and it is very low maintenance and taxes, etc. My husband is really just being stubborn. He wants things his way.

[hannabee]

Originally Posted by danvb

I dunno... I'm confused. Are you doing this for your daughter or are you doing this for yourself?

I love my daughter dearly, but there is no way that I would uproot myself and my wife and move 2000 miles across the country to provide day care for my grandchild. I'm sorry, but in my books, that's completely over-the-top and irresponsible. My daughter is a big girl and is responsible for her own life. That includes taking responsibility for figuring out how to make things work when conditions are less than ideal. It's a part of growing up and learning to be an adult. What would she do if grandma and grandpa weren't around to help her out?

If it were up to me and my daughter needed help, I might offer her some assistance in paying for day care, but the idea of moving 2000 miles away from my home so I could take care of my grandchild is completely and utterly ludicrous. I care very deeply for my daughter. But part of my caring is allowing her to stand on her own two feet... Sometimes you have to let your children fail, and as a parent, that's a very hard thing to do. But, I know that I won't always be around, so she needs to learn to take care of herself and to rely on her husband instead of her mom and dad...

Anyway, that's how my wife and I chose to raise our daughter and she's a better person for it.

Dan

Food for thought, thank you. My daughter is 27 and has an MSN, which comes with some student loans. She has always been very responsible and stood on her own two feet. Right now she makes around 90K a year. Her H is career officer in the Military. Makes about the same.
My Husband and I JUST moved where we are 5 years ago. It is paid for but small. We are not pulling up roots, so to speak, we already did that when HE wanted to.
I have this huge hole in my heart when I am away from my kids. I can't explain it...it just hurts and I am unhappy. So I guess maybe I AM doing this for me too!

[unaluna]

I guess that explains everything more. The thing that would be scary to me in your shoes would be, what would be the legal and financial ramifications of a divorce? Like your future social security. I would see a marriage counselor first to talk over what is going to happen next between the two of you; then i would also see a lawyer just to find out what my options are.

[danvb]

Originally Posted by hannabee

Food for thought, thank you. My daughter is 27 and has an MSN, which comes with some student loans. She has always been very responsible and stood on her own two feet. Right now she makes around 90K a year. Her H is career officer in the Military. Makes about the same.
My Husband and I JUST moved where we are 5 years ago. It is paid for but small. We are not pulling up roots, so to speak, we already did that when HE wanted to.
I have this huge hole in my heart when I am away from my kids. I can't explain it...it just hurts and I am unhappy. So I guess maybe I AM doing this for me too!

Ah! Got it.

Empty nest... My heart goes out to you. That's a terrible, horrible, empty feeling of loss and uselessness.

Is it possible to reach a compromise with your husband? Perhaps you can have long visits with you daughter on a regular basis while at the same time staying in your marriage and living where your husband wants to live? It isn't like you daughter and her husband can't afford day care for your grandchild. Can you daughter visit you occasionally?

I KNOW that parents and children can manage to live away from each other and still keep in contact. But... it's your grandchild that's causing you to want to move, isn't it? Your maternal instincts are going crazy... and it's tearing you apart inside.

Generally speaking, men don't experience that desire nearly as strongly as women. They just don't. It isn't due to a lack of Love or a failure to care. It has to do with biological differences between the sexes. I don't really know, but I would imagine that your husband is confused about the whole idea of moving 2000 miles to be near your grandchild when, in his mind, an occasional visit will suffice. Perhaps it's a guy thing... but I understand where's he's coming from.

Anyway, I hope you find a resolution to your dilema so that everyone comes out a winner.

Dan

[hannabee]

Thanks Dan for your input. Yes, it is probably empty nest all over again with the grandbaby. Unfortunately, he also has a minor health issue in that if he gets hurt, he holds his breath and then passes out! Doctor says nothing to worry about and may last until age 6. Yikes! It happened again yesterday and scared the beejeepers out of me. So although they can afford child care, all of us are a bit worried to turn him over to someone else.
I can only hope that my husband will reconsider and come with us, as that would really be the best alternative. We shall see what happens. Again, thanks for caring enough to post!