just let him go?

i became friends w/a co-worker whose wife of 29 years was dying of brain cancer. we spent a lot of lunch hours talking about the anger, the hurt, the love he had for her. we would occasionally have lunch or go for a bike ride together, but never anything more.(not that we didn't talk about it) after she died he became more than a friend although it wasn't common knowledge.
the problem came when his 18 year old daughter(only child) found out. she threatened to not speak w/him anymore. i tried to see her point of view, losing her mother only 6 months earlier. i have only met her a few times and that was mostly "hi" or a question or two.
we(my friend and i) started spending 2-3 days a week together and a few weekend getaways here and there before she really knew we had a serious relationship going, and then one day at work after x-mas he said " we just have to be friends. can you live with that?"
i'm so confused and when i tried to question him further he would just say that it was wrong to have a relationship so soon. and then he wouldn't talk to me at all. i am heartbroken because we had talked about how much we felt at ease with each other and how comfortable our relationship was.i feel deceived by him, used by him, and mad at his daughter.
i recently e-mailed him at work (he just transferrred to another dept., which he had asked me if it was okay to do way before any of this came about) and told him that i have thought about him every day for 3 1/2 months and i wished it could be the way it used to be. his response was that he needed to make up for lost time with his daughter and he didn't think it could ever be that way again.
i miss him so awfully, terribly, piningly. i don't know if i should just let go or what??? i found my soulmate and it's heartbreaking to have him so close yet for me to be unable to touch him, hold him, talk with him.

alikat

you're in a lot of pain now and i'm so sorry for that...i'm sure that your friend cared for you as you do him. he's had to face a difficult choice and he had to pick his daughter. i know it's hard to live with and hurts like helll........detaching would probably, in the long run, give you some much needed relief......xoxoxo pat

(((((alikat)))))))

I know it's hard. I don't have the perfect answer here, but I wanted you to know someone was listening. If you give him the space and time with his daughter he says he needs right now, knowing what a good connection you had in the past, maybe things will work out for you in the end.

We're here to listen to you express your sadness over the loss.

i also meant to say what Shirley said but my senility is getting the best of me today....detaching now might be the way to go because things might go back to the "way they were"........xoxoxopat

Hi Alikat --

When I look at the title of your post, my sense is that it may express a deep inner wisdom that you don't like and so want confirmation for.

It's nice to believe that someone who has left may come back someday. I'm sure it has helped to sustain me through some of the bleak pain of early separation. And I expect it sustains others too. I also suspect that it doesn't happen far more often than it does. But who cares if it's probable or not? If it relieves the pain for a bit, until we can contemplate the likelihood of it with greater sanity, we are going to hang on to that hope.

And who knows, maybe it will happen!

Another thing I'd mention is that you may have been the "rebound" lover. This often is not the ideal position to occupy in someone's heart. It is a tender and special place in his heart, to be sure, and he will never forget you for being there for him. But it is not the heart-place that you want to occupy.

It also seems that he really hasn't left you any choice but to let him go for now. He moved to a different department and has cut off the kinds of contact that you want. You'd have to become a stalker if you try to put things back the way they were, and that, of course, is not going to succeed either.

I'm sad for you. Heartbreak, loss,is a very sad place to be. Please keep coming back and let us know how you are doing.

((((Hey Alikat! This one is truly from the heart))))))

I'm not going to throw a resume around b/c this really comes the heart, o.k? And no

When I worked as an advocate between teens (of all ages) & their parent(s). One thing, I remember something very clearly. It was a situation somewhat to what you have mentioned; the "teen" was a girl who was just about to turn 18 in a few months & she was a "runaway" b/c the girl had been watching her Mother slip away into a coma; The Father had a "female friend" who was "getting too friendly" in his daughter's opinion. It just so happens this situation was just around Xmas also.
The father/daughter came back in shortly after Xmas; but the situation had a little different twist. They seemed to be much closer, but the father still seems disturbed. When this type of conflict is observed we split them and talked to them separately. This was the bottom line when we compared notes:
FACT#1 -- The daughter, turning 18, was losing (lost) her mother; the mother is suppose to be the main role model at that age of the daughters life. Teens like to have the ideal "picture" of having their mother & father being together & happy. Any other female would be perceived as a threat to the daughters entire sense of concrete & secure feeling of "family". This is was obvious "immediate need" to the daughter AND w/ a good deal of time spent w/ the father during the Xmas season, the father felt guilty about abandoning his "close female friend" yet, an overwhelming need to "be there" for the daughter, especially at this time in both their lives.(The holidays/loss of mother/spouse)
FACT#2- After the holidays were over, the topic of the daughter turning 18 and moving out of the house. The daughter's attention would be turned inward to her own life and would leave the father alone; he expressed concern over this b/c he was afraid that "his former female friend"
might be angry/upset w/ him for just "dropping her in the middle of nowhere w/o much of an explanation." He, therefore had an immediate need for some future stability now.

CONCLUSION: When both father& daughter sat down together again w/ their individual lists of "needs" & shared them w/ each other, they could see them "with each others eyes" & the daughter gave him "permission"
and they could both be closer, yet letting each other grow & go in their own/but not disconnected.

Times may change continously; but the relationships bewteen parent & child remain (on a norm) "normal."

I hope something in this made sense to you....maybe it at least give you some kind of perspective of the overall situation?

(((((((((((((DAYZEE9)))))))))))))))))))))))))))