Friendship and Sex........

THanks Kris....Yeah I can see where for those in their teens to 20's it may not be a good idea. I'm mature enough for this or like to hope so since I'm late to early 40's LOL.....I have know situation where it does and does not work....LIke everyone has said it depends on the person and or people involved.

I'm not normally one to do something with this, but I don't know if it is a mid-life crisis....more self confidenence....WOrking through all my issues that I had buried for years...I don't know....I can't explain it.

Thanks again

Hi scotlandskye.....

You have asked a very interesting question which has sparked some equally honest and informed answers...

There are some folks( have no idea the percentage but I'm sure its tendency is age specific) that can separate sex from intimate emotional connections. The source of this ability to disconnect has much to do with experience, culture and what aspects of a person are associated with self esteme...

For myself, I simply cannot see sex as a sport, casual release of hormones, or a mechanism for improving my self esteme. Though my preference does not in any way diminish the benefits some might gain in these practices..in some ways I can envy the ability to "pop one off" when some cutie with similar desires enters my space...

But, and this can be important....most of us I believe lend some deep connections to the mixture of DNA...it is part of a bilogical system that has emotional connections which have proved successfull in maintaining the species...The pure intimacy of the act is associated with aspects of trust, hope and bonding which are elements of developing partnerships.

These partnerships have proved valuable in building communities which offer strength in times of uncertainty. These aspects of our intimate connections are some of the many differences which separate us from the vast animal kingdom.

In my expereince,,something always remains of a deeper intrinsic level after sex. Other than unadulterated Truth between two people, I know of no other exchange more intimate and vunerable.

But maybe, with practice, it becomes less so....

If this is the case I hope I never reach that point when the act of sex for me loses its wonder and spiritual protection my values have given it...

But,,I'm probably safe there.....

Lenny

This is an interesting thought ScotlandSkye! What I had found when I hit my 40's and worked into my 50's was that a whole bunch of stuff changed in my mind (and my body as well ) There seems to be almost an enlightening during that time.....a time when we begin to see ourselves differently, maybe reviewing what we thought we wanted in our 20's & 30's, did we achieve it or not, is there something missing that we feel the need to look for, is there more to our lives than just work, sleep and eat?? LOL

For myself, I did some interesting things in my 40's and not one of those things do I regret. I took some calculated risks in my relationships and where I wanted to be in the world. But one thing I didn't do (but came close) was to have a friend with bennies. And I'm glad I didn't do it....the way that I am, I know it would have added such complications to my life that I knew would have sent me over the edge.

Everyone is different....I don't begrudge anyone the ability to be friends with bennies.....I just hate the thought of someone possibly being hurt is all.


sabby

i believe in total equality between sexes

but in my opinion only, both men and women can easily confuse sex w/love

they can exist separately or in cohabitation

friends w/benefits. to be honest it has always sounded great to me.
but it is very complex to work out
crap
just a plain old monogamus relationship is hard enough

friends w/bennies is akin to open relationships aka swinging

someone always gets hurt.
just my two cents
thanks for allowing me to chime in : )
xx

It depends on who you are & what your expectations are going into it, maybe what your history is with that person & what feelings you might associate with the past....maybe your mental state, how lonely or depressed you are, etc.

I have one friend I've slept with here & there on occasion & its never been a problem. I never developed feelings for him for some reason, we just kinda did it. I even had a 3some with him & a girlfriend once, nothing went wrong, & I was fine. I never slept with him cause I was hoping it'd go somewhere, or cause I was lonely.

At the same time, there were plenty of times I had a buddy I'd sleep with regularly who I'd hope things would go farther with but never did. Good thing too, cause usually I was just mislead y loneliness & it woulda been a waste of time...but that was just my case.

I would say, in these situations, always be aware of what you want. You may have a buncha guys interested in sleeping with you, but is that what YOU want? ........If you want something with more meaning & depth, as women [wisely] do more-so than men, then be in touch with that. & don't accept less [Unless you're really itchin' one night for some fun & attention, it happens]. but really, accepting less is just avoiding what you really want. Your time is precious, either spend it with someone ready for you, or spend it on bettering yourself. nothing less. You deserve it.

Mwah!

Eeeeeh. I have a story.

Yes, practice is perfect. I did that sort of sleeping around thing, & after while I was completely desensitized to it. Sex just became part of the routine, something I gave no thought to. Really, it was making a lot of my inner problems worse. I was a victim of all kinds of sexual assaults that you really don't wanna know about, & after hiding in a bad 3.5 year relationship with one man after those experiences, when single I started devoiding sex of all meaning, made all my sexual encounters routine baseless acts that were more like body functions than anything else. I would never get pleasure from them, I couldn't, it was just...An act, ya know? Just a fact of life. I didn't see how sex could e more.

Then I met this guy who....Holy hell.
....It was making love, seriously.
It sparked something totally crazy in me, it was much more than just getting bent over. It was the kind of passionate love making that fostered trust, security, & my enthusiasm...It was insane. & all I ever really wanted. It made such a difference in my life, & I can never, ever go back.
Unfortunately, I had to dump the guy for [stupid, preventable] reasons way outside of this discussion, but if there is one thing I did gain from losing him: I could never, ever go back to whatever the hell I was doing before. I was wasting my time. [It's bad, I have no desire to have sex :\ Unless its gonna be like that....& maybe that's a good thing. Makes guys who buy me drinks at bars a little disappointed though.]

Anyway, hope that helps. High 5 for great sex! Wooo!

I have a very close male friend, we have shared a lot of our life experiences and there was a flicker of interest but a little complicated to explain on here really as we both inhabit a fantasy vampire world too, it is a mind thing through the finding of acceptance in each other both in this and with the mental health problems normal life left us with, so we chose to do nothing about it. I now call him my soul brother, as the love we share isnot physical but much more than mental and fantasy now.

Even if (perish the thought!) i was single again, we would not choose to be together as a couple, we in no way and for no reason want to spoil what we have! Some things are best left undone and therefore give a degree of safety and security in a decent mutual loving and respecting friendship. I value that far higher than a maybe once only disasterous fling! If thats all you want, a one night stand with a stranger would be far less destructive in my mind lol ~ not sure if i should have said that but hey its what i think but not neccessarily what i suggest!!!

You have to do whats right for you and you alone, if he doesnt accept that then you kinda have your answer. I dont think that mixing sex into a relationship is always the right thing to do ~ just because theres a spark doesnt mean you have to light it!

That crazy you speak of...I felt it once too...

It was the touching of souls...

Lenny

You really can't have a one-night-stand with a friend without (probably) losing a friendship, and if you have more than one night, then at least one of you probably doesn't think you're simply friends anymore. Flirting is fun, so I say keep flirting until the flame dies or becomes an inferno.

This I disgree on. Many years ago I did have a one night stand with a friend and he and I are still the greatest of friends.

I like that idea though...Keep flirting until the flame dies or becomes inferno...Have to keep that ine mind

Sure!! Why not?........

As long as all are on the same page.......

There is still honour in the way you treat each other......

There is honesty above all else......

And you are monogamous, for monogamy sakes........for the duration(its a health and honour thing.......just my bag on that one)

I have had friends like that.......a meeting of the minds......things in common.......strong physical attraction........but no being "in love".

I have also had a good friend(there were feelings and history involved), where he stopped talking to me because he felt that he had "abused' my trust.......I didn't see it that way.......but each to their own.......

Take care, you sound like you have much insight........and clarity.......

The answer is within......

Michah

It is great to see so many different views on this. So many of you have brought up some good points and things to think about. Even after reading everything that everyone has written, I still stand by what I feel and want.

Sabby....I like what you said!!! " What I had found when I hit my 40's and worked into my 50's was that a whole bunch of stuff changed in my mind (and my body as well ) There seems to be almost an enlightening during that time.....a time when we begin to see ourselves differently, maybe reviewing what we thought we wanted in our 20's & 30's, did we achieve it or not, is there something missing that we feel the need to look for, is there more to our lives than just work, sleep and eat?? LOL "

I have to agree with you. Now that I'm going on 40 something in me has changed. What I wanted in my 20's and 30's isn't what I want at the moment. Yes I do want that special relationship, and want to get married, but right now. I want this guy with nothing else to it. Plain and simple. It is a good feeling. Years ago I never would have thought about it! Life is too short and I lived most of my life in a shell and too serious. Now I want a little fun. I understand that there is a chance that one of us will/could get hurt, but I really don't see it happening. I know I can't say 100% for sure, but have to go with my gut.

Emily_Strange....Interesting points....Right now not lonely....THere have been times where yeah I have thought about sleeping with someone because I was lonely and wanted the attention, but this is purely sexual attraction and just wanting to have fun. I know that sounds wrong to some, but can't help how I feel and what I want at the moment!

THanks to everyone who has replied....Has been interesting for sure

i had sex with two friends at the same time, it was a lot of fun and a bit weird at first but once you got into it, it seemed natural. Afterwards it was really weird but after a while things went back to normal. We are all thinking of doing it again. In in my 20 so don't know how things are sexually when your older but i think go for it! It will be fun, messy and weird at first but if your curious the only way to find out is to do it.

I think it's possible if it's strangers and it's a one night stand scenario or they only meet for sex and only sex..two consenting adults and all of that BUT I think when it's two adults that know each other, respect each other, care about each other..that is different terrain. Emotional terrain. Even if you don't want it to be. What happens if he meets someone or you do and the benefits have to stop and it wasn't a mutual decision? Feelings could get hurt. What if you end up in a serious relationship..how is your partner (or his) going to feel about you or (him) just hanging out with someone you just happen to sleep with? Even in the most secure of relationships that could be difficult to understand. I think if your friendship is a good one then keep it that way. If this innocent "flirting" is really just opening a door to see if there is more, well some of the best partnerships began as terrific friendships :-) Good Luck

(((scotlandskye))) just wanna thank you for putting this out there.. im going thru a very similar thing right now.. was lookin thru forums and found ur post and a perfect time when im questioning whether or not i should go thru with this..
i wanna thank everyone else too for answering ur original post and the ongoing discussion that came out...
however im still not sure what im gonna do.. im just gonna let it play out..
thanks so much!!

Yeppers. I agree on the fact that Sabby made an perfect point here.
For me, entering my 40's, and now into early 50's I've most definately tamed, as I've spent the majority of my young adulthood exploring, living dangerously, (if you will), and obtaining experiences (what some may only fantasize about).
I feel it is something that can be obtained ONLY by those who share the mutual objective...Physical pleasure. Nothing more. For some, that is impossible as there is far more of an emotional need involved. That is perfectly understandable.

At present, I find myself far more receptive of the allowance of emotion as my foundation for a relationship...more than likely because of my age; I've mellowed, have already obtained enough "thrills" to last me a couple lifetimes..lol..and, for me....the fact of disease plays a primary role in promiscuity anymore. To put it mildly, no sexual thrill is worth the cost of chancing my health or even life for.
I have actually contimplated on the continuance of the physical explorations, but I find myself always falling back on the thought of contracting disease....scares the HELL out of me. (And my superior being MUST have kept a close eye on me all throughout my active years, as I was fortunate enough to have never been exposed to any STD).

Today, however....IF I were to continue that practice, my partner(s) would definately HAVE to come with a current clean certificate of health to prove to me my safety. <<<<This statement alone shows my lack of trust in the act itself , therefore would not work for me anymore. It has gone beyond "just" the physical pleasure.

For anyone who does choose multiple partners.....PLEASE practice it safely. I've witnessed a couple close persons to me, (and more who were not AS close), suffer long, and painful deaths from Aids. It IS absolutely horrifying to pay witness to and moreso, I can only imagine, to fall victim to.

Shangrala

((((((bunnies))))) I was scared at first to post this, but now I am glad that I did. It has been amazing to see the responses. I wish you well and here if you need to talk...

I'm letting mine play out as well....The ball is in his court. I know what I want and I stand by that, up to him and if he decides no then I am fine with that and respect that as well.

Hi Scotland,


I believe you mentioned that you work with this guy. I would exercise caution in this case. Are you prepared if this guy tells some of his colleagues of his exploits with you? Are you prepared for office gossip?

Do you supervise him or vice versa? If either of you supervise the other this could open a real can of worms even if the relationship is consensual.

Also is this guy married or in a relationship? What about disease? Just because you are attracted to someone, doesn't mean you need to act on it.

Oftentimes fantasy can be better than reality. And it certainly is a lot safer in this age of AIDS and other STDs.

((((scotlandskye)))))
heres hoping both situations go well for us!

I do not think it is a good idea. If it is not something you believe in then do not accept the offer.

I think it is very possible. Me and this dude named Melvin have been friends for the past year and 8 months. We've had sex maybe......5 times since we've known each other. We still talk but not like we used to because he's about to move to Florida to go to college. He felt it was better that we kept things simple so there wouldn't be any attachments when he left, that and he also said we had to stop because I was to young. As for people being lovers and friends......I say it can happen.

hi there.... well to cut a long story short... i have been in a relationship with my partner for a year and a half now... we are gonna be getting married etc etc...

before we became partners, we were at first work colleagues, which then turned to best friends, in turn that became sex buddys. he went to thailand for a month, and we both realised then that we wanted to be together for the rest of our lives.... its absolutely amazing... well except for one minor flaw... when we were just best friends, we knew absolutely everything about each other... which really doesnt help in certain relationship situations... but nothing will separate us... and we all lived happily ever after....

oh and ps.. for the record, he is a gorgeous 26 year old, and im 38... ooohhh yeeahhhh... go for it id say