[Shangrala]

The time has finally come.
Tomorrow's the day that I pack up daughter, my 2 Rotweillers, 1 Amazon parrot and 2 (newly added) young rattie girls (a promise I made to dot...lol...sometimes I have to watch what I commit self to), into the van and head off to Nevada.

Surprisingly, this past week has gone rather smoothly....as far as maintaining my sanity and keeping self focused on the "plan" of getting out of here, considering that I've been doing all of this on the sly...hubs not having a clue what I'm doing..tho, he's not a complete idiot..(still stand to ponder that, tho....lol).

Now that it is down to the wire, and I have time to "think" about it...I find self a nervous wreck primarily because of my worry regarding hub's reaction once he realizes we are gone.
He suspects something's up....senses something....has addressed it casually by asking me, "going somewhere?"...as a result of his noticing that I've been attending to a sudden cleaning mode....lol...If he'd only take out the time to look inside my van..OMG...anyone would have a good indication that it's packed to go? But not him....no no....that required too much effort....sigh. Yet, it's a good thing my van has those heavily tinted windows on it..one would have to plaster their face directly upon the window to see inside of it.

I can't help but to feel guilty.....very guilty. And if I allowed myself, I'd more than likely break down in tears....lol.(eyes tearing now just from the thought of it). I don't want to hurt hubs. Leaving like this will devistate him...I know it will. But, at the same time, he's left me no choice, really.

It's not like we haven't talked about my leaving before. I've told him many times that I have to go. I've written him extensive letters (which I'm pretty good at writing into layman's terms for his understanding), that I've printed out and given to him many different times. Sent him emails, again, explaining all of the reasons why.
He's in denial, I know. But that doesn't help me much regarding what I'm doing to him....only adds to my guilt. And I DO feel horrible.

I've been putting off leaving him partly to avoid this confrontation...THE final day. I know I'm not at fault here FOR leaving as I am, yet, I can't help but to feel there has got to be something more I can do to buffer the initial shock for him....sigh....unavoidable, I know.

I thought about attempting one last talk with him. To let him know the exact day I'm leaving....to try to help prepare him for this, but I've been advised not to do that as hub may very likely do whatever he can to prevent me from leaving.
Suggestions have been made that maybe I should stage (initiate) a fight to directly associate my reason for leaving "so suddenly". That makes some sense, yet, seems so deliberately sneaky and wrong. GAWD....seems that no matter how I do this, the fact is that I am leaving him....and I hate the fact that I can't help but to hurt for him. I don't want him devistaed...lost...hurting. I don't want him to feel like I've been all these years...yet, I can't have my daughter and self continue like this, either.

Why do I feel like the bad guy here? I feel like I'M the one doing wrong. All these years of the abuse and the effects it's had on me suddenly seem secondary to the actual act of leaving. I feel like a lying, sneaking cheat who can't be strong enough to attend to this as it should be....directly to him.
I hate the idea of a "dear John" letter...yet, I'm left with no other choice. This WILL devistate him. Not fair of me to do this to him. But I simply cannot handle him clinging onto me as he's been doing since he's been sensing this.......change.

I sorta need some encouragement from y'all. Even though I AM following through with this tomorrow....I sure could use some support....some reassurance that what I'm doing....HOW I'm doing it is okay...that I'm not the bad guy here....and that all will be fine.

This is sooooooooooooo hard. I wish....that he would one last time directly remind me of how much of a prick he has been to me all these years...so that leaving won't hurt so much.

Dang....writing this.....now I AM an emotional wreck.....ugh.
I guess....Maybe I just needta get the crying overwith, so that I can regain focus.

Shangrala

[VickiesPath]

I feel your pain, my dear Shangrala................

Envision in your mind, if you will, .........

your packed van, sitting in the driveway, with

four flat tires.



Don't say a word to him.

[Michah]

Your reasons for leaving.........are the only reasons......

How you do it........is for you to decide

Protecting oneself is never easy........someone always gets hurt

Know that you are doing what you do........because there is no other way

That you have considered all your options.....

Instigating conflict is bringing detriment to yourself........

Shangrala, know that you are absolved from guilt, for you are not a vengeful person

Forgive him.......forgive you........and move towards the horizon.......do not look back in punishment and regret........for that is not the way forward.

For whatever reason.........it is the right reason........for only you can heal yourself.

No judgement, no remorse.........you hold your wonderful future in the palm of your hands.........and I believe........

That you will reach great heights........of which you never knew existed........for I SEE it in you.........love yourself........infinitely

Big hugs,

Michah

[jerrymichele]

Ending a relationship is never easy; after all you have been with this man for many years. Change is also never easy. I sense that your a little scared, and that is to be expected. You will get threw this.I would leave him a note, but I'm not you. If anything this will open his eyes. After all you have told him, and told him, and told him. What else can you do? Sometimes in life learning a hard lesson isn't so bad. It's really not good for anyone when a signifigant other takes advantage of a relationship.I would just state in the note why you decided to leave, and list the reasons, even though you have already have told him.

[marjan]

My dear Shangrala,

I can understand your pain....This is not an easy choice to make, but you have all reasons to leave him alone....If he was good to you at the first place, then you would have not gone through such a pain and sorrow right now....
You are not a bad guy, but you are if you think that way....just get that off from your mind...you got to do what is good for you....
You will hurt yourself more by staying....so, who is more important YOU or HIM?
besides, you can always come back....so, just do what you feel to do and don't think about him and his feelings too much...you are not responsible for others....and he will be fine...
let us know how you do, I wish you the best....
with love
Marjan

[Naturefreak]

Just wanted you to know I care .




DON'T LOOK BACK

[Shangrala]

Thanks all.....

Computers will be packed up first thing tomorrow morning as soon as he leaves for work..can't do now as that'll definately indicate I'm leaving.....lol...He so knows what my system means to me....lmao.

So, as of tomorrow morn..I'll be history for a while. Bought my daughter that new Netbook through Verizon the other day, so that she won't go through too much of withdrawls during not only the initial drive (10 hours), but during the week after.
It will also provide uninturrupted communications for Kristian during his trip over from Europe this Monday, as well as for his parents to remain in contact with me throughout all this.

Thanks for all the support, peeps. I really appreciate it.
I will most definately leave a post here and there updating y'all on how it's going.

I must admit, aside from the fact that my nerves are shot to hell, an emotional wreck and completely physically exhausted from all this moving CRAP (lol) this is pretty exciting.

Wish me luck and happy adventures....lol....and I'll be in touch.

Shangrala

[lynn P.]

You're a brave woman Shangrala. I wish I had your courage. Best of luck with your move. You'll feel better once you get settled. I have every confidence you'll do just dandy.

[VickiesPath]

Luck!!!!!

[Frankz]

Shang..be brave...you know how much you've done for me..YOU deserve this move..and so does Roxi..you both do.

Be strong..know that everyone here is rootin for you to head in that van and drive off. Know that we're happy for you, and you need this.

Change is never, and will never, be easy. But in the long run, it'll all be good, and you'll know you made the right choice. Be happy about this..and you aren't an emotional wreck, we all are, ;D.

Love you lots

[Junerain]

I can feel your excitement in your writing, you are standing on the horizon, looking out at your better destiny, your dreams ever so slowly coming true, your fresh start....you inspire me...

When I eventualy left my ex I also felt guilty so gave him the 'one more chance' and he swore he would change blah blah.

All it did in my case was delay it for another three months.