Scared of Relationships

I am 16 and terrified of relationships. I recently became aware of that fact while talking with one of my friends. I guess I have always known this but I was never aware of it, or I refused to acknowledge it.

The problem is, I have trust issues because of my father. A year or two ago I found out the reason I couldn't see him or have contact with him anymore was because he had been molesting my older sister, Sarah. How can you trust somebody after your own father does something so grotesque and perverted to a person you love?

I realize I'm still young and I have my entire life ahead of me to deal with my problems, but I realized also that I have been using the excuse "I'm too young to date" as a way to avoid dealing with my problems. So used that to push people away. Now that I'm aware of my fear and why I have it, I'm wondering what I should do to move on. I have considered therapy, but I'm not sure if this calls for it or not.

I was molested twice when I was a young teen by older neighbor boys. I could not talk to my mom because she never would have believed me and if she did, it would have been my fault. So I lived with the guilt of feeling "dirty" for a very long time.

Do you think you should be having relationships with boys because your friends do? Nobody should decide what's right for you except for YOU. Sixteen is a long way from being an old maid! Use this time for enjoying friendships with lots of kids, boys and girls. Actually, my son who is 16 prefers to go out with a bunch of friends instead of "dating" or "going out with" any one particular girl. He has close friends who are girls, too. But right now, he's more into his hobbies and stuff.

I can guarantee you that as each year comes, your outlook on life and what you want out of it will change. If at some point, this continues to become a bigger issue for you personally then, yes, by all means find someone to talk to about it. A school counselor or even if you go on to college, most colleges have guidance counselors. You have an advantage, with no disrespect to the horror of what your sister went through, because it did not happen to you. Not all men are like your father. There are very nice men out there who would not disrespect or harm you in any way.

I hope you can kind of put this to rest for a while. If not, talk to your mom or another trusted adult if it's urgent for you right now.

I don't want anyone to have to live the way I did. So like I said, if it's important now, then do it now. Otherwise, don't worry and just enjoy yourself without the pressure.

Keep writing to us and let us know how things are going for you.