[VanillaBean]

Hi all. I just need to get some stuff off my chest. I feel as though I've talked this issue to death with my family and friends, and I still have these horrible feelings of anger and disgust that won't go away.

This is very minor compared to most of the issues I've read about on PC. I've tried to talk myself out of it when the anger creeps in but it's hard. I have OCD, so my brain gets stuck on things.

Basically, I have a family member - by marriage - that I hate. I'm not exaggerating. I despise him. He is pretentious, judgmental, arrogant, racist, sexist, rude, and is just one of the most rotten people I have ever had the misfortune of knowing. He is married to my aunt, with whom I am currently living (I moved out of the state in which I grew up and came across the country to start anew and am living with her until I can find a job and what not). They are married but he is living in another state. He pays the mortgage on this house. I thought months back when my aunt told me he had moved out that they'd be divorcing - in fact I hoped with all my might that this would be the case, as did my entire family. No one can stand him. I have always believed that they moved over 1,000 miles from where our family is because my aunt knows deep down how much everyone dislikes her husband and she didn't want to have to see it all over everyone's faces every time there was a family gathering or something. We all can't stand him because of the reasons I listed above but my issue with him is far more personal than anyone else's. This is the second time I have lived in this state and the second time I've lived with my aunt. The first time he still lived here and one day, he watched my new boyfriend drop me off at the house after work and when I came in he began screaming at me, calling me a slut, accusing me of "f***ing all the guys" at my work, being a loser, a piece of s***, and a wh***... he basically tore me a new one. All I did was get a ride home from my boyfriend (who I'd only been dating for a short time and had not yet introduced to my aunt and her husband).

Long story short (haha) he threw me out of his house. I moved in with the guy I was dating and didn't speak to my aunt or the jerk for over a year. I passed up an invitation to come to their house when my other aunt and my cousins came in to town and admitted that it was because of my "uncle", and my aunt stopped speaking to me. She refused to listen to my side of the story and completely shut down when I told her how uncomfortable I felt being around him. He never once apologized to me for his behavior.

So now, he lives out of state, but he is coming in for a visit this weekend. He was just here a few weeks ago and I tried very hard to make nice but it was torturous. He sat there talking about his $800 sunglasses and how all his new friends that he made after he moved are millionaires. He also made some very nasty remarks about my name (telling me I should shoot my mother in the face for naming me what she did), which he claimed were "just jokes" but he offended me and I was so angry I was this close to telling him I hoped his plane crashed on the way back to his millionaire lifestyle. The worst part was I was serious. I would not be sad if he died. I hate his living guts. I am trying to make plans so I don't have to see him this weekend but am sickened at the possibility of not being able to find something to do and HAVING to see him. That's how much I can't stand him. I also get upset when I think about having to tell my aunt that I'm probably not going to be around. She knows I don't like him and just tells me to "get over it". She truly doesn't see what everyone else does. I have no idea why she hasn't yet served him with divorce papers. I never would have moved in with her if he still lived here. I never expected him to come back twice within a month to visit.

So I guess I'm wondering is there a way I can communicate my feelings to my aunt without looking like the bad guy? I'm done with "pretending" and "grinning and bearing it". I'm terrible at pretending and I also am pretty bad at lying, so this is nightmarish for me. But I can't see myself being around him for even a nanosecond. She's going to tell me to get over it and I am unable to do that. I also have some resentment toward her because she doesn't try harder to see my point of view after the way he treated me. She expects me to just to forget about it. I can't. I see the world in black and white (I know this is unhealthy but it's also a fact, just saying). He is a hateful human being and nothing will ever change the way I feel about him. He ruined everything years ago when he verbally assaulted me and kicked me out for no reason.

[VanillaBean]

Wow, no replies at all, eh? Well, now I feel stupid. And I want to delete this thread but for some reason I can't. Can an admin either delete this for me or tell me how to do it myself. Thanks

[VickiesPath]

Originally Posted by VanillaBean

Wow, no replies at all, eh? Well, now I feel stupid. And I want to delete this thread but for some reason I can't. Can an admin either delete this for me or tell me how to do it myself. Thanks

Hi VanillaBean,

This is a holiday weekend which is probably why no one has answered you! The website activity has been slightly dead!

I am so sorry this situation is causing you such turmoil. I had an uncle like the one you describe and fortunately, I didn't have to see him but once in a blue moon and that was too often. His four children suffered so much from his abuse (his wife was my mother's oldest sister) and now that the aunt and uncle are both gone, all four of those kids are scattered throughout the US and we don't know if they are alive or dead. They all were alcoholics and a real mess.

Anyway, back to your situation. You have every reason to stand up for your feelings about this man. I know that you do not want to hurt your aunt and that you do not understand why things are the way they are between them, i.e., she has not filed for divorce, etc. There may be reasons you will never know about. But, you have every right to tell your aunt that you simply can not be around this man. He has been rude, cruel, insulting, and emotionally harmful to you personally and there is no wondering why you do not want to be there.

You do not need to pretend or lie. You are entitled to your feelings and opinions. If she tells you to get over it, simply say that you do not mean to offend her, that you love her but you cannot stand to be around your uncle. You do not need to apologize for it. You have every right to establish these boundries and stand up tall and defend them.

I don't know if you would be able to do this or not but I would like to offer you something to think about. Generally speaking, people who are offensive, abrasive, critical and arrogant are to be pittied. They have suffered some tremendous gaps somewhere in their development. Some of your uncle's characteristics are also defense mechanisms. He developed them as a reaction to some abuse he suffered at some time long ago. I'm not saying that you need to psychoanalyze him and and as a result get all warm and fuzzy about his faults. I'm just saying that usually the people we meet who are the biggest pains in the ***** are the ones who hurt the most deep down.

Is there somewhere you could go for the time he will be there? You have every good reason to excuse yourself and simply not be there. After all, he's only going to insult and aggravate you so why subject yourself to it.

I don't know if this has helped you or not but it's just my take on it. I do understand your feelings and it seems to me that you are being very considerate of your aunt's feelings so far.

I hope you figure out a way to get away while he visits.

[jerrymichele]

Yes I agree with Vickie. I would just explain to her your reasons, and leave while he is there. When you are there and he insults you just walk away. If you don't it will just blow up into something that you don't need to be around.