[Visioneer]

We were together for almost three years, and lived together for most of that time. I moved out July 11th. We must have made each other miserable... it's hard to remember now, I just keep questioning the situation over and over again, writing him emails and messages... we sometimes talk online. But it has become so unhealthy! Unfortunately I work with him, so every day I try my best to avoid him, not make eye contact. I cry all day, and spend a lot of time in the bathroom crying so that people won't have to see me. I had to leave early today because I couldn't stop crying. My supervisor told me that if this keeps up I will lose my job. And to top it off, I owe the hospital $1400 for my recent stay in the psych ward, and this happened at a time when I wasn’t working, therefore not making any money to pay for this. While I was in the bathroom today for an hour, I wrote him a letter and I am debating whether or not I should send it. I don't know if that would just be more sickness.


At one point I became obsessed with this girl he had been talking to, because there was something going on there he wasn't admitting to and it absolutely wrecked me. I started looking her up on the internet, finding pictures and profiles of her. I compared my self to her, felt jealous of her, hated my self even more, feeling totally worthless, and it made me want to hurt her. I would never do that, but those are the emotions it stirred up in me. I stalked his Facebook, Myspace, every forum I knew him to frequent, so that I could find out who he had been talking to and details of his life now that I was no longer involved with it. And the more I found out, the more despondent I became.


I recently deleted my Facebook and Myspace profiles so that I wouldn't be able to see his information any more because the temptation was too great. I hardly ever sign in to messenger any more, I don't talk to anyone, really. I haven't looked up the women he talks to in a few weeks now. I'm trying really hard to stay out of his business, but it drives me insane for some reason, knowing that I'm not important to him any more, and that other people are. I know this is really wrong. I have never in my life been a jealous person, this is all new to me, and it scares the heck out of me. It makes me feel twisted and sick. But the feelings won't go away! Why do I want him to love me so badly when the relationship was probably doomed anyway? Why do I need so badly to be loved? Is this possessiveness?


I'm so angry at him for things that happened in our relationship. He wasn't abusive (I've been down that road), and he didn't really cheat (I've been cheated as well), at least not physically. But it was so many little things he wouldn't, or couldn't, do that I needed so badly and I never understood why he couldn't give me what I needed when I tried so hard to be everything he could need. He would never approach me for sex and it made me feel totally unwanted. He even turned me down a couple of times. So after a while, I stopped approaching him. He wasn't physically demonstrative, and that's something I really need. But while I would come up to him to hold his hand or hug him or kiss him, put my arms around him, crawl into his lap on the couch and cuddle, be the back of the spoon, he would rarely do these things for me, and often not unless I asked him to out of sheer loneliness. So after a while, I stopped doing that too. Human touch is so important, and without that intimacy we grew apart. We never went out any more, and when I went out it was with other people because he didn't want to come along; he would rather talk on the internet with those people or play video games than come out with me. I suggested making dates, and he responded by saying he was too fickle to make any kind of plans, even something as simple as a dinner date. And he never felt like coming out for walks with me. So I would walk the city alone at night, or with someone else. He spent most of his time playing video games, and we weren't spending any quality time together. I felt like we were strangers, and spent a lot of time just sitting and waiting for him to put down the controller and come and talk to me - about anything, I didn't care what. I got resentful when I realized I was the only one willing to put in work for the relationship and stopped putting in the effort. I became depressed and stopped doing things around the apartment, sleeping most of the day, sitting in my room on the internet, alone, while he chatted it up with people from all over the place, talking about who knows what and sharing with them all the things he wouldn't share with me. Things got worse and worse and finally culminated in the realization that we were not even close to being on the same page.


I tried so hard, offered up so much, to make things work, and every suggestion was stone walled. I practically begged, offered to give up everything I wanted, and he threw his hands in the air and did nothing. We had been sleeping in separate rooms for months. He acted for all the world like he didn't want anything to do with me, yet wouldn't break up with me - just shot me down over and over and waited until I was so depressed and drained of hope that I couldn't do anything but break up with him. And he immediately turned his attentions to this particular girl (I won't call her a woman) that he had been spending so much time with on the internet and even the phone, late at night and even at work. I felt so utterly betrayed.


Part of this probably has to do with the fact that my previous relationship (we were engaged and living together) was with an abusive cheater, the extent of which I didn't even realize until I heard it from the other women who tracked me down later, and found that in some cases he had been using ME to cheat on THEM! He even lied to his new wife (who has since divorced him) and told her that we were still in contact and that he could have me back any time he wanted. That’s part of the reason she contacted me, I suppose; to find out the truth. And she found out the truth from a few other women, too. I assured her there was nothing to what he said – I wouldn’t want to come within a mile of that slimy b@stard. And I dread the day it happens. I'll either pretend I've never seen him before in my life, or spit in his face.


It was six years between that relationship and this one. My recent X was always secretive when it came to his online relationships, he would close chat windows when I walked by his room, or not talk to certain people when I was around. He would stay up all night on the internet with them and not come to bed with me. This behaviour made me suspicious of him because my previous X did similar things, and it turned out he was doing a lot behind my back. I once found him looking at porn, and he swore it was just something a friend had sent him. So then I thought, he's looking at porn instead of coming to me for sex. Am I that unappealing? I started to feel worse and worse about my body, especially since I had gained weight from the meds I was on. He seemed to hide so much from me. I trusted him less and less, and in the end, he did exactly what I feared he would do, and went to someone else.


Even worse, he recently admitted to me that he had cheated in a previous relationship. He told me the reasons, and I can't say I don't understand why he did it. It doesn't excuse what he did. But it doesn't make me love him or need him any less. It makes me wonder what else he has lied about or kept from me, because early in our relationship he told me he had never cheated.

I used to believe in unconditional love and unconditional trust. I learned the hard way that there is no such thing, and that if you don’t pay attention and give them everything the desire, they will do whatever they can get away with. I try really hard to be trusting, and my loyalty is true; I will proclaim it and live it. But no matter what they say, unless they act like they have nothing to hide, I have no reason to trust them.


I had so much invested in this relationship. I wanted to marry him, I really believed he was the one I would spend my life with, have kids, share all the things I wanted to share with a partner and try to have a happy life together. I just don't understand! I don't understand why he wouldn't share his thoughts and feelings with me - was I so hard to talk to? Did I do something wrong? I keep sifting through things over and over, feeling guilty for the things I might have done, afraid and angry at my self because it might have been me that pushed him away. Did I drive him to become so intimate with others because he felt he couldn't be intimate with me? I wish he would tell me what I did wrong. I know I can't fix anything now, it's far too late for that, but maybe I can fix myself so I don't do this to someone else.

The worst part of it all is the compulsion to talk to him and tell him how I’m feeling, when I should be keeping this stuff to my self. Why would I want to tell him any of this? What good would it do for either of us? I can’t talk to anyone else about it, and even if I did, nothing they said could have nearly as much weight with me as what he says. What do I still need from him so badly? He doesn’t owe me anything, not now. Yet I’m so afraid that he is moving on and I’m not. It feels like this will go on forever and I'm so completely lost.

What should I do? Should I cut him off entirely? He says he still cares about me, but I'm too angry and hurt to be his friend, and my feelings are still too strong. In some ways it makes it worse that he cares, that I know he would be there if I needed to talk about this. But it doesn't seem fair to him, because he's the one I'm angry at! How many times can you tell a person that they hurt you? What am I hoping to get out of that; an apology? It won’t change anything. He’ll never say the words I want to hear, “I want only you.” And even if he did, he wouldn’t be willing to put any more effort into a second chance than he did the first, or be willing to make himself uncomfortable for my sake as I would do for him. How can I forgive him, or forgive my self, or even hope to some day move on?

I need help, I can't do this any more! Please tell me what I should do!

[Xelora]

Well I'm dealing with a lot of obsession over an ex myself right now, and I won't say I am over it. But I will say that for me at least, giving myself some kind of ultimatum to stop thinking about her doesn't seem to work. The best I am aiming for right now is to not neglect other activities and values in my life that have nothing to do with her. And reaching out to other people seems to be key. And not neccessarily reaching out in ways that have anything to do with her either, just having some human contact so you don't see your ex as the only person you can relate to in the world. Because for me anyway, I can get really isolated and into tunnel vision where I feel like no one in the world can really get me or relate to me like ___. And it's true no one can replace anyone else, but it doesn't mean I only need one person ever.

Also when I can just feel love for her and want her to be happy, though it sounds all "selfless" it's actually something that makes *me* feel better, more than anything. Those moments when I can really feel she'll be happier not with me than she could have been with me and that that is ok, are the best moments for me. I just feel like we are both freer and it takes me out of my own pain about things to just wish her well.
And just because it couldn't last doesn't mean the love wasn't real, just there's more to being with people than love.

[bonaire]

Not sure how easy it is, but you do sound like you should go through talk-therapy with a psych doctor. I'm thinking the best way to face it is with help of a professional. You are very hurt - but you do need to look at how you deal with hurtful situations vs. what he did. He was him, but you are you - and how you deal with this is critical in this situation.

I kind of look at relationships as "what comes next?" - rather than "what was". You may invest years in one but they could end in an instant. Whether through bad decisions or tragedy (sickness or accident). Only advise I have is to work with a professional therapist who can guide you through becoming a healthier and stronger woman.

A Zen saying is: "expect nothing ... be prepared for anything"

[VickiesPath]

Pink Lotus,

This is a serious situation for you. You stand to lose a lot more than your relationship. You must find a way to deal with this. Your boss knows that you are neglecting your work responsibilities. I'm sure they are trying to be understanding but that can go only so far. You are risking your job and your future.

Come up with a plan and talk to your boss and let them know that you will seek counseling to help yourself handle this so your work won't suffer. Then get into counseling and see if you can get some help in pulling yourself together. Yes, you are hurting tremendously. Yet, people everywhere are going through these kinds of things and have to figure out ways of coping. I'm not saying that it is easy. It would definitely be easier if he didn't work in the same place as you. Then you could kind of "turn it off" a little easier during the day.

Please get moving on the counseling immediately. We care about you and don't want you to suffer even more by feeling devastated and then losing your employment, too.