[scotlandskye]

This has been on my mind and I have asked a friend here this before. So I thought I would bring it to the board and see what the general senses were.

Why is it that we (no saying everyone, but people in genreal) feel like we "have" to have someone in our lives in order to be happy? Is it that we are going through things and knowing that someone is there makes it better or makes us feel better? Is it need or a want?

I would like to think that I don't have to have someone in my life to be happy or feel "ok" but it seems that is the case. It is like a friend that I have that I thought I had lost because I freaked out on him and he didn't really know what was going on. I have since talked to him and explained things and he now understands. We are back to talking but it is like I'm coming obsessed and I don't want to be. Why do we feel or maybe I should say why do I feel the need for daily contact.

As I said just a random thought/question

[robin620]

Humans are social beings. We need contact with others, not sure why, that's just the way things are. That need can be met in many ways. Although I never really dated until I was in my late 20's I had a job where I was always around people. Until I was married (in my late 30's), I sectioned off my problems, "giving" each one to a different friend. Now I have my husband to talk to, but even he doesn't know all of the things that bother me. Some I only talk to certain people about.

Don't know if that really answers your question, but it gave me a chance to think about a few things. . . Deep thoughts that I haven't thought of in a while.

[Junerain]

Scott, I have found the daily contact I used to CRAVE can actually be met deep, deep, within MYSELF with my boundaries in place....I learned this the hard way, it seems......I still get lonely...but it's not a completely lost lonely.....more of a deep self knowledge that goes with me wherever situation I find myself in...

It's like the Whitney Houston song "The Greatest Love of All," she found it in herself...even if we marry we eventually lose the spouse and we are back to square one, ourselves..

Thank you for ensuing this discussion, I think others will chime in, too...great question...

[Donna_N]

I think we need people in our lives. There doesn't have to be that "One Special Person" to make us happy. Real happiness starts with each of us (great advice just wish I could take it)

If you are counting on others for your happyness then you are setting yourself for bad things. Be happy with your self first, build a support group of friends and family, that is enough to be happy, and if you fiind that special someone then so much the better.
(great advice just wish I could take it)

[kjetterman]

Another poster said it... because we are social creatures. Not to mention, the idea of social groups and companionship is very much dealt with and talked about all of the time in the media and in our society as a whole. Because really, what is the meaning of life if you don't have people to share it with?

In a way... we have been conditioned that our lot in life is to go through school all the way up until we finish college, find a wife or husband or life partner, have a great job, maybe some kids... etc. Because that is what is depicted as "normal" behavior.

The truth is... (and I have only found this out since being married and having kids), there is a lot of happiness to be had by being single and rockin' your single status. Because it is at that point in your life that you only have to deal with yourself. And it is an opportunity for you to really understand who you are and what you want out of life. Those are good things to figure out before getting married.

[scotlandskye]

Thanks everyone! Just curious what others thought. Don't always feel like I have to haVe someone but I do right now. It is like I have that empty feeling if I don't. Maybe deep down I'm looking for something that I think is missing. Rather it be a friendship or relationship!

kjetterman....I never really looked at it that way, but you have a point when you said "there is a lot of happiness to be had by being single and rockin' your single status. Because it is at that point in your life that you only have to deal with yourself. And it is an opportunity for you to really understand who you are and what you want out of life" Need to start thinking like that.

robin620.....Does make you think deep doesn't it?

Donna_N.....You said "If you are counting on others for your happyness then you are setting yourself for bad things. Be happy with your self first, build a support group of friends and family, that is enough to be happy, and if you fiind that special someone then so much the better." Now if I can just listen and follow that....getting better each day but....

Thanks everyone

[sweetypie]

hey - i'm so glad you brought this interesting thought, to the table

and i always enjoy the varied responses and comments that can be found here!

this is something i have pondered, at different times in my life.

i have found deep happiness and contentment at times when i was NOT in a significant relationship, or times when my significant relationship (then-marriage) was not functioning in a healthy manner, so it was like being alone.

i've discovered that i can find contentment and satisfaction in many different ways. but there is a common thread - a connectedness to other human beings. whether that has been my children, friends, people i met doing volunteer work (both fellow volunteers and people that were being helped) and friendships that were founded on an online forum (this forum and one other)

humans are genetically designed to be social. part of this is for procreative purposes, so it is hardwired into our DNA. however, it does not have to be a romantic/sexual connection to provide deep comfort, joy and satisfaction. but i believe we all have an inner need to feel connected to other humans.

thanks again for the interesting post

[Dwayne61]

I agree that this is a very good topic for discussion. Most, if not all the time, I feel that I have to have someone in my life to be happy. I think it's due to my lack of self-esteem. I feel like I need someone to help me be "whole". But wouldn't it be better to learn to be "whole" on my own and then find someone to be in my life? It seems that would make the relationship better. Without being whole on my own, aren't I depending too much on the other person? Does this make sense?

[Junerain]

Makes a lot of sense Dwayne, if you feel, behave, and think as a separate WHOLE person.....you will attract another person as mature in thinking and feeling as you, instead of a broken person that might hurt you or be hurt by you..

Here's to us all feeling whole!!!

[scotlandskye]

I want to thank everyone who has replied. I don't want people to think that I'm not keeping up with this or not reading. I am. I'm on vacation and glance at it. I will be back next week and will re-read and reply more in depth!

[Peppermint_Patty]

Hi Scotland,

Originally Posted by scotlandskye

This has been on my mind and I have asked a friend here this before. So I thought I would bring it to the board and see what the general senses were.

Why is it that we (no saying everyone, but people in genreal) feel like we "have" to have someone in our lives in order to be happy? Is it that we are going through things and knowing that someone is there makes it better or makes us feel better? Is it need or a want?

I would like to think that I don't have to have someone in my life to be happy or feel "ok" but it seems that is the case. It is like a friend that I have that I thought I had lost because I freaked out on him and he didn't really know what was going on. I have since talked to him and explained things and he now understands. We are back to talking but it is like I'm coming obsessed and I don't want to be. Why do we feel or maybe I should say why do I feel the need for daily contact.

As I said just a random thought/question

I think our need for human contact also is dependent on where we fit on the introversion/extroversion continuum. While it is true that we are all social creatures.. we are social creatures to varying degrees. Some of this may be due to our self esteem (or lack thereof) as another poster mentioned, but in other cases it is mainly due to our personality characteristics.

In addition, stressors in our life can also dramatically affect our need for human contact.

There was a study done several years ago where researchers discovered that female primates (and the researchers feel that this applies to female humans too) exhibit a "tend and befriend" instinct... rather than just a "fight of flight" instinct like lower animal forms.

They found that female primates when stressed seemed to spend more time taking care of their offspring and seeking out the company of other primates in their clan for social interaction. They found that when the female primates engaged in these social behaviors, their cortisol levels (which is a stress hormone) decreased dramatically while the level of oxytocin (a hormone that counteracts cortisol and results in a calm feeling) increased.

Finally... one other thing I want to bring up is that poor quality social interaction (in other words, a stressful relationship) is probably worse for a person healthwise (both psychologically and physiologically) than little or no social interaction.