[starsx24]

I've been dating my boyfriend Matt one year and eight months come tomorrow. I love him more than anything, but lately I've been fighting with him a lot. He's not the same person anymore. See... months ago he promised me that he was done smoking pot. He swore up and down that he was done and and promised to me numerous times that that was out of his life forever. About 3 weeks ago we got into a bad fight and we were both really stressed out with one another, and so he went out with friends and smoked with them. I received an anonymous call telling me that he was stoned. I called him about 100 times and finally when he answered I confronted him about it. He lied straight to my face, said he wasn't doing it, and snapped out on me for even "accusing" him of it, but when I told him about the phone call, he finally admitted to me that he did do it. I was depressed for quite some time but after about a day or arguing, I moved on, and he promised me it would never happen again.

2 days ago we got into another huge fight, he was so stressed out that he said he wanted a 2 day break from me, and then said that he promises he won't be doing anything he shouldn't be doing. Last night I get another anonymous call saying he was smoking with his friends again. So I called and called and called and called and called. He wouldn't answer. Finally I get a text from him saying, "Why are you still calling me, we're on a break, remember?" and I said it was important and that I needed to talk to him. He still refused. I then called from a private number and he answered. I asked him why he would do something like that again, and then lied AGAIN. And he tried coming up with a million and one excuses as to why I might have gotten that call. And then finally he admitted it to me.

He says he still wants to be with me, and that he loves me, and that he was just stressed from everything. He said he didn't mean to hurt me, but honestly what do I do now? Most of our fights stem from me not trusting him. He wants me to trust him and wants me to believe him when he tells me something, but how do you trust someone who's going behind your back and lying to you and breaking promises? I couldn't even talk to him about it last night cause he was so whacked out of his mind, and then fell asleep on me since it does make you tired. See, I used to do it, but I quit because I knew it wasn't good for me, and because he hated seeing me like that. We both quit for each other and I never once went back to it, and he was good about it for months, and now all of a sudden he's smoking again? How do I ever know when he's telling me the truth? I don't know what to do, I'm so lost. And I need advice. I can't stop crying. I feel like he's tearing our relationship apart... I don't wanna leave cause I love him so much, but I don't know what else I can do.

[perpetuallysad]

Hi starsx24, it sounds like you are having a hard time dealing with things right now. I am really sorry. It does also seem that you don't feel like you can trust your boyfriend. I know that is a frustrating feeling. I hope you can figure out what to do about all this.

I will tell you from past experience that you can never change other people. I know that may be hard to accept, and you don't have to tolerate things you don't like (meaning you can chose to break up with him), but you can never expect a person to change anything about themselves, especially because you want/demand them to. You can only change yourself and the things you do. I know this idea is a hard one to swallow, we all, at one time or another, probably find ourselves in a situation where we are trying to change a person we love for what we perceive as making them better. As much as it sucks, and as much as you may hate all this, he's responsible for his own actions. Either you have to be willing to accept him, or you have to be willing to do something to change things for yourself.

Good luck. I hope you figure out what to do with all of this.

[salukigirl]

If you dont mind my asking....how old are you guys? I dont mean any disrespect by it, but that sort of behavior sounds like a 17 year old boy. And also, its not really fair to him to have to either stop or feel like he needs to lie about it. If you dont like it, then I suggest finding someone who doesnt do it, or just dont be around him when he does it.

My ex hated me smoking (cigarettes) and I did quit for him. Even though I hate dishonesty and hate lying and being lied to, I went back to smoking and hid it from him and resented him for making me quit. Stuff like smoking cigarettes, pot or drinking alcohol is not something you quit for another person. If he is going to quit it needs to be for himself. And, obviously he doesnt want to quit right now.

So I know its hard but I think you either need to just get over his smoking or break up. He must feel like he cant trust you either or else he wouldnt be so scared to tell you. Even though he is lying, you must not seem very open to hearing the truth. And he obviously wants to make you happy, but wants to be happy himself. Its not fair to you to have to be lied to and its not fair to him to feel like a horrible person for doing a recreational drug. It takes a while to figure it out but trying to "fix" people only hurts you in the long run. They need to change for themselves, you cant do anything about it. Ive watched my dad slowly kill himself from alcoholism and have been through abusive relationships with alcoholics and it only hurt myself. So I have learned to take people as they are, realize that their habits dont effect me, and that if its something I cant deal with, I leave.