[Sam_I_Am]

Has anyone here had to cope with having a spouse or significant other travelling a lot for work? I am in this situation now, and I am having a really difficult time.

So I've been together with my boyfriend "C" for 3 + years. He has recently taken a job involving extensive travel, both domestic and abroad, at destinations for months at a time. Its a 2 year job committment after a 9 month training period, and it's only 2 months in. The "rules" of the job are unclear and keep changing-- he doesn't necessarily know ahead of time how long he'll be in a certain place, where he's going next, when he's coming back and for how long, etc. His schedule has changed several times since being in his first destination (Chicago).

We are relatively young, ages 25 and 26, have no children together, but we did just move in together before this happened. Or rather, we signed the lease to move in together, then he got this job-- he had already moved in, and I had to move in by myself. I am in a long distance relationship with someone I live with. I live with someone that I've not yet had the experience of living with. Oh, the ironies... Though we aren't married, I hope to one day marry him (and I've always been one to be anti-marriage so that should speak as to how strongly I feel about him)

I'm obviously not having a great time dealing with this-- I'm afraid I'm going to impulsively break up with him in an angry, depressed, suicidal rage. Of course, I miss him and all that, but other factors make this especially difficult. I hate the town/state that I live in. My parents moved here for my dad's work while I was in college, and my "plan" was to move here after college temporarily with them to save money to actually move somewhere I'd like to live. I met C, and by the time I was financially stable enough to be able to move somewhere, I was totally in love, and had absolutely no desire to leave. (The fact that he isn't from here either, and is from closer to my home-state was comforting; he wants to return to that general location once becoming more established in his career.) Well, again, the ironies...I stayed here for him...and he's not even here!

Also, I recently made a job change myself. I realized that I went into my chosen major/field for the wrong reasons and that I didn't like that line of work and wanted to try something different. I don't regret leaving the other job, but I don't like my new job at all, and this is a big source of anxiety for me.

Moreover, I have very few friends. I'm fairly shy to begin with but people here don't seem very receptive to adding new members to their group of friends. (I'm sure it's also that it gets harder to make friends the older you are because you aren't in school anymore.) It's not that people are un-friendly or mean, just seem satisfied to hang out with the same kids they knew in HS or college. I've tried joining things (and not just since C leaving, even before that.) I've taken dance classes, art classes, joined meetup.com. I'm currently taking a jewelry class and a writing class. I have one really close friend that I made since being here....and at the same time as C leaving, she moved to a town an hour away. I do still see her quite often, and my parents too...but this definitely doesn't feel like home. It never really has, and now the person that made it feel like home isn't here.


And of course I have depression issues, abandonment issues, trauma issues, anxiety issues.....urges to self-harm (don't worry won't do it), passive suicidal thoughts (again won't do it). All of which this is bringing up for me strongly. (And going through med changes on top of that.) I feel like I don't exist, if that makes any sense. Very...empty.

Should I break up with him? Suck it up and deal with it for the next 2-3 years? Both are obviously very painful prospects, I think the first being more so.

Not really sure what I'm looking for. Advice from someone that's been through a similar situation? Support? Guidance on coping skills?

Thanks,

<3,
Samantha

[AAAAA]

What you should do depends entirely upon your (both his and yours) commitment to this relationship. Long distance relationships are extremely difficult, I'm not going to lie. It's so easy to blame him (my husband was in the military for 10 years) for every little thing that goes wrong in the house or imagine that he's having the time of his life while you're home dealing with flat tires, leaky faucets and kids (in my case). If I had a dime for every time I said "if I have to do this entirely on my own, what do I need you for?" neither one of us would have had to work the rest of our lives. Thankfully by the time we had kids, his deployments were relatively short and infrequent, however they came at really bad times. I just given birth to our daughter two weeks before and our son was ill. He came home from work to pack, leaving for 6 weeks with no notice. When his enlistment was up, he was offered a DOD job doing the same thing in civilian life as he was in the military, the money would have been fantastic, but he would have had the same issues that your bf is dealing with now, sure he gets 2 months at home (out of 12) but no one guaranteed that it would be any length of time in a row.

The one thing you have to realize is that your happiness depends upon you, you're responsible for it, not him. The advantage to this job is that in theory you can live anywhere you want once this lease is up.

[Inny2009]

I am sorry your dealing with this. My ex was a marine and we were together for three years. He was 5 states away from me and it was very hard. I eventually moved west across the country away from friends and family to be with him. I was very homesick and not very happy. Maybe this is a suggestion. Since he is gone for so long is there any way you could move back home...the place where you want to live anyway...since he isnt there? Would he be willing to relocate his home base at least for the two years he is gone all the time. Then when the two years is up you guys can sit down see where your relationship sits and make a location decision? That way you have a stable location that makes you happy (since your there all the time and he is not) and it will be easier on both of you. If that is not an option you need to really sit down with yourself and him over the phone and talk about your options. Explain you love him and you want to be with him but you are not happy where you are. I say that if you really do care for him then i say stick with it for alittle awhile. Its very hard especially since its just 2 months in. Make sure you talk with him. Communication is very important in a long distance relationship. My ex and i would also have over the phone "dates". We would both rent the same movie and start playing it at the same time and watch a movie "together", we would go outside at night and talk and stare at the same moon and stars and that would make us feel closer (i know i know its corny but it helped! lol). We would send each other letters, even if we were talking on the phone, it just gave the relationship more romance and care packages, i sent a bottle of my perfume and he sent some of his cologne so we could have the smell (yes i know, corny again). There is an online website that helped me out alot! Its www.lovingyou.com it has alot of romance ideas that you can do when he does come home and it has a section for Long Distance Relationships and how to keep close to the one you care about. Good luck.