[Inny2009]

Last night the baby was sick and wouldnt sleep at all. He was screaming and we were tired and cranky and he had to work the next day. In all of this we got into a fight because of our stress level. We both said things we shouldnt have said...but what came next was horrifying.

trigger
please be careful if its not good for you to read about spousual abuse.


I called him a name because he was making me angry. He flipped that i called him that name and took me by my neck, lifted me up and slammed me against wall. I couldnt breathe. He had the baby in his other arm so i was defenseless because if i tried to defend myself i didnt want my baby to get hurt. So i just smacked him on the arm and tried to pry his fingers off of my neck. He held me there for so long without oxygen i almost blacked out...i was seeing stars and completely confused and disoriented from the lack of oxygen. It started going alittle black when finally i hit him upside his head. He finally let me go (he said the only reason he let go was cuz when i slapped him in the head it knocked some sense into him) i fell to the floor gasping and bawling and he was bawling. He told me he was calling the police and an ambulance and I told him no. Today my throat is really sore and i can barely talk..but he put no bruises on my neck suprisingly. Im in total shock. My husband has never laid a finger on me, yes he has gotten angry but never physical. I told him im giving him one chance to get help and to get his act together. He is at work right now, i called my guy friend who is like a brother to me. We made a plan that im going to give him a set of keys to the apartment and made a plan that if my husband hurts me again i will text him and he will come while calling the police. I am also taking action by storing clothes and money the next time it happens because im not going back. My husband knows nothing about this...i want it to be a suprise. That way if it does happen again i will be ready and he wont be. He told me last night i need to divorce him, he called himself a coward...I know from previous abuse that just because they say stuff like that doesnt mean it wont happen again..so im ready. Im just so much in shock. I need some support..some hugs...maybe some nice hot tea with lemon and honey. I need a nice cozy little corner with a blanket and a pillow and someone just to sit with me so i can cry. All of this because i called my husband a name in a moment of anger. Why me? Why the man that i loved and cherished and thought he would protect me from other men and horrible things? Instead im getting other men to protect me from him! Im so upset and im so ashamed. Im ashamed because i told people what a wonderful guy he was...i thought so....now i feel like im useless...i feel like a liar who got caught...maybe i shouldnt have said that name...maybe i should have just let him go to bed without making him help me take care of the baby...maybe maybe maybe...its too late now...now i have to plan on trying to save my life and of my baby if it happens again. I feel so weak.

[Sabrina]

You are not weak Inny. I am so sorry that you had to go through this. I have been through it myself and your feelings are all very normal and to be expected. I don't have any advice for you but I am more than willing to offer you support and hugs and yes, I will have some calming tea with you too. (((Inny))) Please be extra kind and gentle to yourself.

[bebop]

I have been in your shoes hon. once they start they don't stop. please get out of it now before he does it again. you keep saying when it happens again not IF. you know in your heart it will. I just went to a funeral of a woman this week because her husband killed her and her grandson. please go today and get out while he is gone! your things can be picked up later or even replaced. you are in my thoughts and prayers.

[Inny2009]

(((((sabrina)))) (((((bebop))))) Thank you so much for your support. I am very sorry that that happened to your friend bebop..my prayers are with you and the family. I keep reliving that moment..that sheer terror of not being able to breathe...of my babys safety...the fact that it was my husband that the root of it all. We prep ourselves to protect us from random strangers wanting to hurt us, not taking candy from a stranger, dont get in a strangers vehicle, get pepper spray for the random guy who might cause trouble on your way to car at night. No one preps you how to feel or what to do when the person you love and never expect hurts you. Im glad my feelings are normal...at least im not alone and i know bebop I need to leave him because he will do it again. He told me if i do decide to divorce him he will help me and pay for it and support my decision. He said what he did terrified him ...he is afraid of even coming two feet near me. That doesnt mean anything..the heart in me is broken and is grasping at straws to put itself back together...Im so lost...but i do need to get my act together before it happens again...

[lynn P.]

This is a very difficult situation and I'm sorry this happened to you. Normally I would tell a victim of abuse to leave. But since this is the first time and yes I know the saying - "if he hits you once he'll do it again" - I think you should talk with him and see if he's willing to get into some anger management counselling. If he's not willing to do this - then yes you should leave when he's not around.

Having a baby is a wonderful experience - but it's also a very stressful time as well. I think you both would benefit from taking parenting classes and how to handle situations when the baby is unconsolable. You're doing the right thing with keeping a packed bag with money. If your husband is willing to get anger management counselling right away - then I think it's okay to stay. An appointment needs to be made Monday morning. Be safe and best of luck.

** Please know that I'm not advocating you stay in an abusive relationship. It's just since this is the first time and he seems remorseful and shocked - I think he would benefit from immediate anger management counselling. The stress of a new baby and lack of sleep can strain emotions to the breaking point. This won't go away on its own. If he doesn't commit 100% to the counselling idea then I recommend leaving **

[justfloating]

(((((((((Inny))))))))))


You are not weak! Just by packing a bag and making a solid plan to get out, you're showing a massive amount of strength. I am so sorry about what your husband did -- it was wrong and he had absolutely no excuse to do it, not because of anger or stress or exhaustion, and especially not because of anything you said or did. I agree with others that you should get out sooner rather than later. Getting your husband to get therapy or counselling is a good idea, but you should get him to do it after you leave, on the condition that you won't come back until he does. The fact that he would so lose control with your child in his arms signals that he probably isn't going to think about his actions before he does them, and you can't risk yourself or especially the baby getting hurt the next time your husband lashes out.

Sending lots of hugs. I hope that you can both get the help and support you need to get through this difficult time.

[ECHOES]

You are not responsible for his inability to control his behavior.

What are you waiting to have happen before you go?

[theotterone]

Echoes is right. I understand you are in a tough place right now, but you need to leave for your safety and your child's. This behavior doesn't tend to stop, it tends to increase. You always have support here!

[Lenny]

Originally Posted by Inny2009

He told me if i do decide to divorce him he will help me and pay for it and support my decision. He said what he did terrified him ...he is afraid of even coming two feet near me. ...

Hi Inny and hugs to you.

Posts of this type are so hard to read. They are so real...so in your face,,,so tragic...I feel for you....

Like other wise folks before me....when anger turns to violence a line has been crossed that is very difficult to uncross. But it can be done. If he is serious about his remorse set a Loving boundary that he immediately enroll in an anger mangement course. His graduation from this will be a first step in moving forward...If he refuses...I don't think you or your child will be safe.

Secondly please remember that you are your childs first protector...that is really all that is needed to state...

We care...deeply.

Lenny

[sabby]

((((((((((((((((((((((( Inny )))))))))))))))))))))))))))

I'm so sorry that this happened to you hon. These things really pull the rug out from under us when they happen. There are so many different emotions that run through us and thoughts that make our minds race.

As always and well stated above, safety for you and your child are #1 on your priority list. I think setting a clear boundary with your husband about what you expect from him moving forward is in order. Maybe take a few days/nights away to give both of you some breathing space might help. It will give you the opportunity to look into anger management, therapy (for both of you, separate or together), safe houses, and concrete plans for safety in the future.

The only way you will be able to tell if your husband really did slip up and is truly remorseful is that he agrees to anger management and therapy and doesn't make excuses not to go to the appointments. Remember......actions speak louder than words at this point.....they spoke very loudly last night didn't they

Be well dearest.....I'm thinking of you and keeping you in my prayers!


sabby

[jerrymichele]

I'm so very sorry that you have experienced this abuse. I have also been in an abusive relationship. I don't know how long the two of you have been together, but if this is early, then you really need to think long and hard about being with him. If you do want to give him a second chance then I would really make sure he is getting help for this. Physical abuse starts out small. It will then get much worse. If it was me, I would have thrown him out of the house. I can't believe that he was holding your baby while he was attacking you. Until he gets help, I would be very careful on how you address him.

[nothemama8]

Been there done that, thankfully with us there were no children involved, prayers go out to you.
knowing he was holding the baby alone is frightening, that should show you the baby could be next, as others said get out now, you may not have a chance to text anyone
Angie

[Inny2009]

Thank you so much for all your support and prayers and advice. It means alot to me right now, i dont feel so alone anymore. He did offer to do anger management classes and offered to leave for a couple days if that is what i wanted. Im not sure what i want at this point. The fact that he brought our baby into the situation really really angers me as a mother. The fact that sean was not physically hurt and he is a very good father other than that situation is hard. He has never touched a hair on the childs head inappropriately and is always playing with him and sean loves his daddy very much you can see that. I told my husband that if he did hurt sean ever in any way i would not give him a second chance. I would leave him so quick he wouldnt be able to have time to blink. My child always comes first, me on the other hand, im willing to give him a second chance if he gets help. Since he is so good to sean and sean loves him so much (except last night and that was my fault) i want to stay one time to see if we can work through it and if we cant and he chokes me again or hits me im gone and so is sean. Its amazing how in one night you can loose your life, not die, but everything changes so dramatically and its like a hammer and one wrong bang and it all falls apart and you have to start from scratch. If he does change i dont want to never forgive him. I want to forgive ...but ill never forget i know that. thank you again sooo much everyone...im trying to be safe and reestablish a security, its been less than a day and im still replaying the event over and over in my head. I dont think this feeling is going to go away as quickly as i hoped it would.
((((((((((((((((((((everyone))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[ECHOES]

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/33469328...news-tampa_fl/

[Pomegranate]

((((((Inny))))) Please take care of yourself and your baby.

[radio_flyer]

Your post brought tears to my eyes. I am so sorry this has happened to you. Your plan you made with your friend, hiding some money and clothes, is a great idea. Is good to plan ahead, just in case it happens again. Maybe, just maybe, your husband will seek some help. I pray he does..

There is no excuse for physical abuse. No matter how mad or tired a person might be, physical abuse should never be tolerated. So sad when this happens. Sending you safe hugs, cup of hot tea with honey and more safe hugs.

[Elysium]

Hi Sweety...

I haven't commented yet, but wanted to let you know that you have my support.

Personally, I think that a separation wouldn't be uncalled for at this point, if only for the interim. This way, you can feel safe and he can have a chance to get into his anger management class(es) and work on his issues.

One thing I've noticed...You say that he tells you that he will "take anger management classes IF YOU WANT (him) too". He's laying the responsibility on YOU...instead of being a man and doing what he needs to do to prevent this from ever happening again. So...if you say "No Honey, it's okay just don't do it again!!", and he goes and does it again anyway....it is, in a way, his way of saying "you didn't make me go and this is what you get".

I also want to point out a very important fact!!

ANYTHING THAT HURTS THE MOTHER, HURTS THE CHILD!!!

If you think that your Son got away unscathed by this attack on you, you are wrong. Babies can sense violence. They can pick up on the change in someone's tone of voice quite easily and they can pick up on the intensity of situations. Even though your Son wasn't being physically assaulted at that moment...he was still being emotionally assaulted as he was caught in between you and your husband while his Daddy attempted to kill his Mommy!!

He wasn't just strangling his wife....he was strangling the Mother of a child!! While holding the infant in his arms!! He was cutting off your oxygen supply to the point you almost died!! And all the while, he was using his own Son...holding his own Son in his arms because he's a coward...and he knew that just by keeping his Son in his arms that you would not attempt to fight back for two reasons....

1) You were afraid if you fought back that your Son would get hurt in the crossfire.... and

2) You were afraid that if you fought back, your husband would possibly hurt your Son, as a way to hurt you.

You don't realize it...but these are the ideas and thoughts that get planted and programmed in the back of your mind while these things are happening to you.

You don't have to leave him for good....but there is nothing wrong with some separation while he is working his program to get himself healthy. Once he has done this and can demonstrate appropriate behaviors, then you can pick up where you left off.

Know that I support you!!

[AAAAA]

I truly hate the words never and always, but I feel very comfortable saying that there is NEVER any excuse and/or rationalization for putting your hands on someone else in anger. There were a million things that he could have done to prevent this from happening.

I am truly sorry that you went through this.

Having said that, we all have our breaking point. Something that may seem insignificant to someone else may be a major trigger to yourself. Name calling to antagonize an already irritated/stressed out person just to relieve your own frustration isn't the answer either. It may be a personal issue with me, but in my opinion, bones and bruises heal (not excusing the behavior), but mental and emotional assaults are much harder to fix. I have found that the little, seemly harmless digs doled out over time are the most devestating.

This doesn't sound like a very healthy relationship, each feeding into the other's frustration. It definately sounds like you both need some space to regroup and think things out. It's really hard to teach a child healthy coping skills when they witness these destructive episodes. Even though it sounds like your son is too young to realize what was going on, I firmly believe that infants feel what's going on around them. Tension that adults may miss, children tune right into. Have you ever noticed that when you're having a particularly bad day your child is fussier than usual? You can make an infant sob just by the tone of your voice long before they can understand the words. My grandmother was a twisted woman that made my oldest child just sob by saying "oh what a beautiful baby" but in a sad tone of voice.

I wish you strength, wisdom and courage to make the difficult decisions you face to make life better for yourself and your son.

[Inny2009]

Thank you for the responses and support. He is giving my space and trying to be supportive. I wanted to bawl when i read that article. Its just terrible! And why in the world would that mother leave her baby with a man that beat her???
The ironic thing is we have been married for a year. We have known each other for at least 5 years. In all that time we have been happy. Yes, we have had fights. Just normal fights...some harmless bickering...but never like this. We always calm down apologize to each other and discuss the problem..we do...but for some reason it just went haywire.

AAAAA- i completely understand you. You do have a point. I did participate and "egg him on" by calling him a name. I just got so angry with him being so angry at me and saying things that werent even true and slipped out. I wish i wouldnt have said it. I wish i could take it back. It wasnt fair to him and i know i need to take part in the responsiblity. I did apologize for it but i know it might not be enough. Thats why i do feel guilty though...because there are women who get beaten all the time just for breathing wrong, I actually did something wrong and just got what was coming to me...probably alittle harsher than i imagined but nonetheless he was already tired and stressed and i knew that. I really should take some responsiblity.

I guess i almost feel like, those other women who get beaten for just breathing wrong they deserve the support and empathy, I dont deserve it...my husband doesnt beat me every day...he just choked me ...once...didnt even leave bruises. This is one issue im struggling with. Yea i almost passed out..but i didnt. He didnt actually hit me or slap me or kick me. Just cause he choked me once...i feel like im playing up the spousal abuse...im feeling really guilty and really ashamed...Its just how i feel, i know everyone is being so supportive of me and so understanding. But why do I still feel like the bad guy???????

[Yoda]

Originally Posted by Inny2009

... they deserve the support and empathy, I dont deserve it...my husband doesnt beat me every day...he just choked me ...once...didnt even leave bruises. This is one issue im struggling with. Yea i almost passed out..but i didnt. He didnt actually hit me or slap me or kick me. Just cause he choked me once...

I was with my BF for seven years before he started battering me. In the first seven years we had fights with yelling and door slamming and I would be angry. But then the abuse began and instead of anger I had fear. At first he "just" choked me or "just" shoved me hard enough to slam my head through a wall. No he never broke any bones and I never ended up in ICU so I thought it was "mild" abuse and because I loved him I stayed. Things got worse. Much worse.

If you wait for it to get worse it likely will and your child will be witness to the abuse. My BF never directly abused our son but my son would hide in fear when he heard the abuse.

He absolutely needs reform and anger management training. Until he can be angry and walk away you should not be with him. It is natural to feel anger but how one deals with that feeling makes all the difference.

[uoffl]

I'm really sorry you're going through this. I definitely think a separation time would help. Maybe you can move back with your parents, or family members, while he tries to help himself. But he definitely needs to want to help himself. My hopes and wishes are for you and your son. Please take care.
If he does it again, please please get out. My mom was in an abusive marriage for years. I watched my sister hide behind a couch when my dad physically abused her. I stood in front of him holding a knife because I was trying to protect my mom twice. Luckily, he stopped once I went to college.
I don't want your son to go through the same thing in his toddler years. It leaves emotional scar. I get sad whenever I look at my little sister.
I hope everything will be okay.

[AAAAA]

I did not mean to imply in any way, shape or form that you "got what you deserved". Your husband had a choice, he should have simply walked out until he was able to control himself. But you have a choice too, you can refuse to participate in this destructive dance.

This particular situation hits very close to home with me. Cliff notes version is that my brother and I grew up seeing a lot of violence, I learned to control my temper he did not. A couple of years ago his wife had an affair, this is not what angered him. When he confronted her, he told her up front, the very worst thing she could do is lie to him and insult his intelligence (his trigger for being called stupid by his teachers for years when in fact he is a genius and was bored).

She lied right to his face, he presented his evidence and called her a *****. She slapped him across the face. He grabbed her around the throat and choked her. He was so angry that he blacked out (stone cold sober, no alcohol involved on his part) and has no recollection of this act. His mother in law was finally able to pull him off of his wife. His behavior is inexcusable.

It sounds like this episode is the crisis of an unhealthy relationship. If you don't get a handle on this now, the cycle will continue with your son. It doesn't mean that either of you are "bad" people, you just need learn some coping skills.

[Inny2009]

I know AAAAA you didnt mean it like that. Thats just how i feel because i did call him a name just in reference with what you had mentioned. He is upsetting me alittle bit though, constantly asking me to talk to him about this and saying he feels lonely in dealing with this alone. One breath he says what ever you want to do or how to cope i completely understand. Unfortunately MY coping skills are yet to be desired. I really kinda have none. I go stone wall. I feel nothing and i see nothing and act like there is nothing. Unfortunately that is not healthy, but honestly i dont know how to approach the situation. The one man i normally run to for support and protection is not who i can go to. He called a domestic abuse hotline to ask her what to do and she gave him a number to a support group to go to. The support group, according to the guy leading it, goes on once week, ironically the day of the week that i go to school. Then my husband asked about setting up another day one on one and its 30 dollars a session, which we cant afford. So he told me he is going to talk to one of his guy friends..who happens to be my friends as well and get some guidance from them. Right now...im scared and im shut down. He wants support and his best friend back. Its only been two days since the man choked me....i dont know! I want to force myself to be the same old me with him in our relationship but i think a two day bounce back is asking for alittle much. Im angry at myself for not being more supportive, im angry that he would put me in all these situations, im angry that im just not getting a break! I need a vacation away from everything. Just some personal fix myself me time.

[jerrymichele]

I think that your relationship is fairly new. A year isn't that long at all. One thing that the two have you have learned is that he has triggers. I really don't think that you calling him a name is a reason for him to chock the life out of you. I do agree that name calling is bad. When the two of you get heated like that it is best to walk away. You cannot solve anything when both of you are blowing up at each other. Walking away gives each of you time to cool off, and think about the situation. Relationships can really go down hill from all of this. I will say that even if you think that you played a part in this or not, doesn't mean he should just forget that it happened. I have been abused. Abuse is a cycle. It will start off small, and get much worse. Lets just say that he doesn't get help. It is very possible that he could start punching you, kicking you, along with the chocking. If his parents are abusive then it is very possible that this has been passed down to him. He needs treatment. The sooner the better.

[AAAAA]

I don't think there will ever be the "same old" people in this relationship again. You've both had a life changing experience. You've been hurt by someone you trusted and your security is shattered, your husband has learned that he is capable of using deadly force upon his loved ones.

I wish there was a simple answer to this. Abuse comes in many forms, and even if this scared the hell out of him and he never lays a hand on you again there are other components in this relationship that are extremely unhealthy. No matter what you do, he is responsible for his own actions and vice versa.

I know you're overloaded, I know you're stressed out but if you want to fix this, you have to make it a priority. If this group therapy thing will not work for you, can your husband go on his own? You mention going to school, most campuses have mental health services check with them. Look in the phone book under Lutheran Brotherhood, or there is a Catholic mental health service that whose name escapes me now that offer services on a sliding scale. If nothing else utilize the library. Do it while the memory is fresh, as time goes on we tend to minimize what happened.