[Berries]

My parents divorced over 2 years ago. I moved in with my mother 1 year ago, from another state. We live about 5 minutes from my father. I have seen him once since I've been here. I invited him over for lunch last December.
He never communicates with me unless I initiate it. He forgot my birthday and in a thank you email for the father's day card I sent, just said, "Oh and happy belated birthday." Not even a sorry I missed it.

I sent him a birthday card and he emailed and said thanks and then went on and on braging about his niece and how he flew out to see her soccer game and she got MVP...Then said hope you are well. And that was it. He didn't ask me how I was or what I was doing.

He never flew out to see my plays in college. He never bragged about me. He constantly criticized me and belittled me for having a MI and being on disability.
And I don't like him just as much as he dislikes me.
Should I just let him go? All our communication and lack thereof just hurts me. Is it worth it? Is he worth it?

[jerrymichele]

Originally Posted by Berries

My parents divorced over 2 years ago. I moved in with my mother 1 year ago, from another state. We live about 5 minutes from my father. I have seen him once since I've been here. I invited him over for lunch last December.
He never communicates with me unless I initiate it. He forgot my birthday and in a thank you email for the father's day card I sent, just said, "Oh and happy belated birthday." Not even a sorry I missed it.

I sent him a birthday card and he emailed and said thanks and then went on and on braging about his niece and how he flew out to see her soccer game and she got MVP...Then said hope you are well. And that was it. He didn't ask me how I was or what I was doing.

He never flew out to see my plays in college. He never bragged about me. He constantly criticized me and belittled me for having a MI and being on disability.
And I don't like him just as much as he dislikes me.
Should I just let him go? All our communication and lack thereof just hurts me. Is it worth it? Is he worth it?

I'm sorry that your dad is doing this to you. I agree that this is really crappy to do this to you.If this was me, I would leave him alone. This is your call though. If you do decide to talk to him again, I would really make it a point to let him know how you feel.

[lynn P.]

I would only resort to cutting him off if it becomes apparant that the relationship is toxic - I don't think it's reached that point for you. The reason I say this is because alienation from family members is very painful. Of course I wouldn't advocate maintaining a relationship if there's been physical or emotional abuse.

I think you should tell him how you feel - but not in a blaming or arguing way. I know you're struggling but I also think you need to look at his point of view also. I think he's also struggling with his own feelings about your MI - maybe he's feels scared or sad. I had a brother who was manic depressive and it's very hard to see a family member suffer. I also think he's struggling with the divorce - he might think you're choosing sides just because you live with your mom. I think you really want to stay connected to your father - so he needs to know that you still want him in your life even though he's not married to your mom. Your mom also needs to be diplomatic and not taint your relationship either. You should make it clear to both your parents that you love them despite their divorce. He's probably not the best communicator and feels it's easier just to withdraw. It's easier to have a nice talk with him compared to the sadness you would feel from no contact at all. It's very hard on holidays to be alienated - not good for you.

If he came to see your plays in college maybe he did brag about you to other people and you don't know. I don't think what's happening or not happening is from you Berries - I just think your dad is dealing with his own issues and doesn't know any better. Also most(not all)men are not good at remembering special occasions like birthdays. Talk to him nicely, tell him what would makes things better and let him know that you still want him in your life even though he's not with your mom. Best of luck and try not to take things personal.

[salukigirl]

I feel for you. My dad used to be that way - and kind of still is. For several months I did totally stop talking to him. From about May until the next March I didn't speak to him. I had found out he was cheating on my step-mom and was put in jail for domestic violence against my step-mom. Then starting finding out that my mother had been physically afraid of him throughout their marriage. So it was like one day, this man that was supposed to be my super hero, was just another jerk.

I was killing myself trying to change him and help him and fix him. Trying ultimatums to get him to stop drinking etc... and eventually decided that our relationship was hurting me. Being fresh out of high school and starting college, I had to. Now we are talking again and I guess he realized that he needed to be more supportive. So now he calls me just to say hi etc... and always tells me how proud he is of me which is a total 180 of how he used to be.

So I think that us taking a break from our relationship saved it. Both of us realized that we did in fact need each other and to forget the past and just be supportive of each other. So if you feel that taking a break could lead to a better relationship later on down the road then I say go for it. If you need time to focus on yourself then do it. You should see that family will always be family but he also needs to see that he should be more supportive of you.

Also, do you think he might be hurt by the fact that you moved in with your mother? My dad was really upset when he found out I had been to a therapist because everyone knew except for him and he was pretty mad that I didn't feel like I could tell him.

[VickiesPath]

What's the saying.....anyone can be a parent. It takes someone very special to be a father. Give it time.

[justfloating]

((((((((Berries))))))))


I'm not sure how valid any advice I give would be because I have what a lot of people would consider an abnormally good relationship with my parents most of the time. But I have dealt with people like your father, in that they never initiate contact, don't remember my birthday or special events in my life, are intensely critical or downright insensitive and are apparently oblivious to the pain they cause. I had a friend who was like that in many ways. Eventually, I got tired of being the one "carrying" our relationship, and I just stopped initiating contact. I didn't get angry or cut him out, I just decided one day to let him come to me. As a result, I have not heard from him since last March, which pretty much proves me right in thinking the relationship was one-sided at best. There's a saying that goes something like "Don't make someone a priority in your life if you're only an option in theirs."

If you want to keep in contact with your dad, then by all means go ahead. But don't let your self-confidence ride on that relationship. It's not worth allowing someone who -- for whatever reason -- refuses to invest the time in you to claim any part of you, if that makes sense. Obviously because it's your dad you want to love him and be loved by him, but nobody's parents are perfect and at some point I think we have to look at our relationships with them as critically as we look at our relationships with anyone else, removing the biological factor, in order to come to a sound decision. I wish you lots of luck in figuring it out.

[Gabi925]

It's hard when you don't feel loved by your own parent and worse when you suffer because of him/them. I understand that he didn't hurt you on purpose and even so... try to do better than them, than your father. Because you need to respect yourself now and later! Keep a distance (an emotional one, if only this is needed) so he can't hurt you. But be there if he needs you and wants to talk with you.